Will it ever be enough?

I should be happy. Joyful. Elated. Excited. Hyped.
But i'm not.

Technically, I was. I was so frightened upon receiving the notification to check my mail for ANU's offer, thinking i'd not get in for even the single degree one since my grades were really not quite impressive. And then I received this acceptance letter. And for the first time in many years, I felt as though my efforts paid off. As though things weren't as bleak and hopeless as it seemed to be for a very long time. I was in shock, even, cuz they offered me not just a conditional offer, but one for a double degree in two degrees i'm really passionate about.

My first response? To tell one of two of the most important people in the world of course. I iMessaged this photo to my mom and called her. Her response? Not a tinge of joy or surprise in her voice. I whatsapped this to the family group. And my dad goes "I'd be delighted if NUS or NTU sent this to you".

Is it really that difficult to firstly feel at least a little joyful and happy that I've actually been accepted to a good university? For pete's sake, it's 27th in the world. Best in Australia. And this doesn't deserve any recognition?

Moreover, I know my grandpa hasn't had the best impression of me when it came to studies. So "stupid and reckless" me went to tell my grandpa about it and what did I get? A scornful look and him saying "must be because you cannot get into local university". I was so disappointed, and yet motivated to show him that I do have the ability and aptitude to do so.

And then my mom comes home and rants at me for being rash and now having to explain to my grandparents on why they even let me apply for ANU. And silly me though I won't have to cry and feel upset over something during this period.

What. More. Do. You. Want. From. Me.
I won't let this bring me down. Even if I get accepted into any university, I'd strive to go with good results and my head held high. Because I know I can do it.

But I can't help but think to myself: will it ever be enough?

Register

Down to the single digits and i'm more stressed that i'm not stressed.

Study.
Read.
Flip pages.
Write.
Pulls hair.
Continue to study.
Daze. Haze. Maze.

It's become a droning and mundane process and to be honest I can't really remember the content anymore (especially for geog, i.e. i'm screwed) so i'm just writing essays after essays hoping some miracle would happen.

What a dedicated and talented humanities student I am.

Ironic how my most feared and detested subject of math has now become my solace when I go crazy with the content involved in my other subjects. And that i'm more secure for it than any other subject (other than GP, I suppose)

Study.
Read.
Flip pages.
Write.
Pulls hair.
Continue to study.
Daze. Haze. Maze.

Started looking into uni apps and being as realistic as possible, applying to places who would hopefully accept me with my imperfections and inadequacy. It's become a dilemma for me on whether I should continue to pursue and hope for an education in Yale-NUS. Idealistically, of course, and they would see me for the person I am and the passion I have and accept me. Realistically? Um, no. More than 11,400 applicants last year and what, 157 students got accepted? That's apparently even more difficult (percentage wise) than Harvard since Harvard has an acceptance percentage of 5.8%. When that piece of information dawned upon me my hopes and dreams of entering my dream school and my dream liberal arts education just went *poof*, hurray.

Study.
Read.
Flip pages.
Write.
Pulls hair.
Continue to study.
Daze. Haze. Maze.

So I started applying to other universities in hope for a place that would take me in (aw how upsetting). I've learnt to dream big but stay grounded and realistic too. It's only gonna hurt if I continue sticking my head in the clouds. So... Group of 8 in Aussie, and perhaps, Durham University in the UK? Not to mention Dartmouth College, the college I adored since quite awhile ago because of it's campus and courses and structure. (But then again, I only just found out yesterday that it was part of the Ivy League colleges. Yay. -disgruntled-)

Study.
Read.
Flip pages.
Write.
Pulls hair.
Continue to study.
Daze. Haze. Maze.

I hope everyone's lives will turn out good or at least the way they hope it would. It's getting immensely terrifying and I'm starting to lose direction by diversifying my choices so much.

And it's getting horrifying because "9" hasn't been registered into my mind.
But then again it's my register number.
(Oh, ha ha Nicole. Ha ha ha.)

Better

So here are some thoughts triggered by a debate and well, an argument with my parents just now.
Disclaimer: I love my parents and they're really good people who love, nuture and care for me. What i'm thrashing below is some things that I really cannot agree with.

1. People are put into our lives for a reason
I believe in this so, so much. Most of us would all have had "friends" who've betrayed us, backstabbed us, hurt us, flamed us, cyber bullied us, used us or cheated us. But think about it this way: they made us learn, they made us grow and they made us stronger. And most of the time, they learn, they grow and they become better people too. Point is, no matter what it is, and no matter how "unhealthy" these people have been for us; they were in our lives for a reason and its up to us on how we want to decipher and give meaning to this relationship, friendship and/or acquaintance.

Who doesn't make mistakes? Who doesn't want to be a better person than they are right now? Trust me, there're so many out there like you and me who're striving so hard to be better people everyday. Some may struggle or some may seem nonchalant, but is it really that hard to simply have faith in everyone's intrinsic goodness?

2. Never make generalizations nor associations too quickly
So I know this friend from XXX "neighbourhood" school whose grades totally suck and smokes and has a tattoo and all. Yeah, sounds bad right? But hey, does all these really define a person and deem them to be bad people? (And if you're struggling to find an answer here it is: no)

Does this then mean that all scholars, top scorers, character award winners, obedient, seemingly mature people are all good people? There are so many counterexamples for this.

Understand that as much as they make these seemingly unwise or "improper" decisions at times, it doesn't define the person they are. It doesn't show their heart, it doesn't show their thoughts and it definitely doesn't show exactly what kind of a person they may be.

There is so much goodness in this world that may be unseen. Embrace the unseen.

3. It hurts to judge
How easy it is to hang these words by our mouths, isn't it? How many of us even make a conscious effort to really take a step back and really give a good thought about it?

Imagine this: your good friend's parents / other friends / other people in their lives hear about you and some of the things you do / have done that are probably not the things you're very proud of (or sometimes, they don't even hear about the things you do), and the first statement that comes from them is "oh, must be a junkie / unsafe person / not a good person". Ouch. Yeah, maybe it hasn't happened to you before or you may not think much about it, but hey, empathise a little. Feel a little. Consider a little. And maybe after that you'd realise a little how hurtful it really is.

4. Never base a person's importance on how "valuable" he/she may be to you
"Why make time for someone who's not so important? You've got no time for them."
Um, excuse me?

Some of the people in our lives may not be of best influence, but does that make them any less important? Define importance. To start things off, what is more important to you: a good role model who is just merely a good role model, or someone who's not so much of the best role model, but has been there for you in tough times? Would you choose to place a higher importance on someone who's successful, or someone who works together alongside you in pursuit of success?

Whatever your choice may be, here's one thing: the best person in this world may not be the best person for you. Through it all, as much as the successful and good people can probably bring us benefits or reap positive outcomes for us, lets not forget those "not so good" people who stuck by us, or even made us mature and grow through the things they let us experience / know about. They're important, too.

5. Assertions are unnecessary
There is a immense and H U G E difference between giving an opinion and bringing forth an assertion. To assert oneself is "declare one's views forcefully". Give yourself some space, and slow down for a bit. Are absolute terms that give a huge stamp on the issue really needed? Is the imposition of your beliefs and views unto another really necessary?

6. So I listen to Lady Gaga, am I bad?
Okay so this point is rather random but it popped up in my head. I really love Lady Gaga's ideas, music, talent and her heart. And as much as many would refute saying that its all part of a campaign or publicity stunt to gain more fans and supporters; (I would like to repeat this again) is it really that hard to have faith in humanity and it's goodness? Are social norms (which are often viewed as contrived and convoluted anyway) really that important to pursue?

I have friends from different backgrounds and places ranging from really obedient and seemingly naïve ones to really wild and liberal ones. So if you associate me with the people i'm friends with then... what am I? Alien?

I've drunk alcohol and uttered vulgarities before. Am I bad? I don't have stellar grades (or in fact, I don't even have meagre grades for now). Am I bad?

I'd like to think otherwise.

7. At least try to understand that everyone become the people they are because of certain situations, experiences and circumstances
Even if we can't completely empathise or understand what anyone is going through, we should at least try, right? Instead of passing sweeping judgements and statements on how some person "is" when you might not even know what they've truly gone through.

Many a time, we fail to see (or in some cases, overlook) how insecure anyone may be about themselves. Think about it; would someone who's constantly looked down upon or judged feel good about themselves and have a really brimming self-esteem? Would they truly not care about all those comments and hurtful judgements? Would you really not care, if you were to be in their shoes? Or would you have to put in conscious effort not to care?

Everyone has struggles of their own. Some may not have good relationships with their parents, some may have lost something or someone they hold dear, some may have not been "taught properly" on how to be a "good person", or something may have happened to some in their lives. Heck, there're so many different factors. And all these different factors and experiences shape us to be who we are.

So instead of judging so quickly and carelessly, why not try to understand a little more about the person first?

8. Pause, and rethink
It is arguably intrinsic in us to judge, and I know of some who may use the phrase "I can't help it" I their own defense. True enough, we instinctively form certain judgements and associations in our head when we see or hear about someone or some situation;  but how about this: challenge these instinctive judgements. Question yourself. Is it really true? Am I generalizing? Am I being overly harsh? Am I being unfair? Do I really know this person / situation well? Do I even know this person? Do I have the grounds or basis to judge this person / situation?

The world would honestly be a better place if people simply took these few moments to pause, take a step back, regroup and rethink about these fleeting judgements we may have about others.

Think broadly. Consider perspectives. Be objective.

We often blame social norms and our "culture" for shaping us to be judgemental, yada yada. But yet again, take a step back and think back; aren't we the ones who're following and condoning these social norms and negativity in the first place? Quoting Thought Catalog, "it's not a matter of how our culture needs to change, but how we need to start choosing for ourselves genuinely, and allowing culture to take shape around that instead of the other way around."

-

It's been quite a lengthy and rant-y post but I hope I've made sense. And I also hope that I didn't seem too idealistic / naive because that was completely not my intention. Albeit knowing how ugly reality and society can be at times, how you choose to see it is the most important isn't it? It's like our choice on wanting happiness - we've got so many things to be unhappy about but yet we constantly find that way out and choose to be happy. 

Whatever it is, bottom-line is, make a conscious effort to challenge judgements. Spread love, spread positivity, spread love and spread acceptance. For this not only benefits others, it benefits us too.

It makes us... well, better.

"I Still Think About You"

Though a huge part of our largely-silent, post-dating acquaintanceship is based on the idea that neither of us have any interest in the other — that whatever happened between us is something entirely left in the past to wither and rot — I still think of you. I am not sure if that makes me the weak one in the equation (though I’m alright with it if I am), it’s just that the silence that is expected after separations seems too simple and, to be honest, too cruel. It’s as though a breakup of any kind means that whatever existed before is now somehow erased from the mutual history of both partners, never to be acknowledged again — and that just feels ridiculous.

And saying that I miss you wouldn’t quite be the right term, either, though I know that admitting you still think of someone you used to love immediately conjures up images of someone sitting alone in their room, listening to Death Cab or something equally emotional, and crying. I’m not crying. It’s just that, when I see photos of you or hear through the grapevine of something that you’ve been up to, I wish that reaching out to you wouldn’t be such an inappropriate step. In fact, it’s the whole “this requires a long, drawn-out explanation of why we’re talking again” thing that really confuses me — am I not allowed to ever consider your existence again? In almost every other aspect of my life, keeping tabs on things and remembering what was good is something to be praised, something that makes you an adult. Somehow, this is the exception.

What have you been doing? Are you happy in your life? The things that you always talked about doing as we lay together in bed, looking at the ceiling in that kind of dreamy, half-asleep lull of honesty — are you doing them? I want to know what you’ve been up to, I am genuinely interested about the turns your life has taken and the people you are now choosing to spend it with. Perhaps it would be inappropriate to ask, but who are you dating now? Do you like her? Do you love her? I know it must sound strange, but I have a hard time picturing even the concept of love involving you and someone else. When you create such love with someone, as you do in a relationship of a certain magnitude, the entire word “love” seems to belong to you and you alone. If you have chosen to share it with someone else, do you mean it?

Do you think about me? I know, it’s selfish, it’s childish. Nothing screams “immaturity” like wanting to catch up with someone only to shortly thereafter find out exactly what percentage of their life has to do with you still, but I’m curious. As much as I genuinely find myself thinking of what your life must consist of, it would be comforting to think that you have the same moments of reflection about me. Tell me that something as great as we were sort of echoes through the rest of your life, occasionally tapping you on the shoulder to remind you of a past that you so clearly left behind. Tell me, because the world would seem a bit too cold if it didn’t.

I have thought so many times about the implications of contacting you, of telling you simply that you’ve been on my mind, and waiting for the repercussions to permeate through the twisted groups of our mutual friends. It seems almost an exercise in masochism, the unbridled exposure of one’s heart with the expectation that, at best, the other won’t actively humiliate you. Don’t humiliate me. This isn’t some white flag with the implication that “you won” some unspoken competition — I would hope that our time spent apart has moved us past the petty distinctions of “who is happy” and “who is sad.” I would hope that we have both become happy enough in our own lives, and on our own terms, that joy is not something that has to be divided up amongst us. I want us to both be equally in love with our own chosen paths.

Yes, I am still curious. I wonder what has happened to you since I last saw you, touched you, whispered something in your ear. I wish that getting coffee and catching up like old friends was something acceptable for the two of us to do, and not something that came with a million implications about how desperate the initiating party must be. But, in the interest of honesty, I do wonder. I guess I’d like to know that your life has gone as well as I had once hoped it might, and that what you have become is something that you can sit with at the end of the day and be proud of. I knew you were meant for great things, and I want you to achieve them (even if I may have experienced a moment or two of selfish jealousy in the midst of our separation). You deserve so many great things, not the least of which is my honesty.

I still think about you, do you think about me?

- Thought Catalog, http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/i-still-think-about-you/

All i can do

"Nicole, are you okay?"

I nod.

 

Am I, really?

 

Most days I am, I guess. Studying, being with friends, more studying. But then something as small and as insignificant as a song, a tweet, a picture, a place, or even seeing you online on Whatsapp and Facebook once in a while; and I'm back to square one. Back to wondering how you are, back to having that extreme urge to call you, to text you, to catch a glimpse of you.

I hurt you, I know. And i'm really sorry about that.
But you're moving on, you're "A Little Bit Stronger", like what you tweeted.

I'm not.

Honestly, I don't know why either. They always say it's the one who initiates the breakup that hurts less, the one that loves less, the one that cares less.

Lies.

Yeah, perhaps, you really did love me a lot, and I broke your heart.
But does that mean that I'm heartless? That I don't care? That you're the only one hurting?

E v e r y t h i n g  reminds me of you.

But what can i do?
You're moving on, living and enjoying your university life.
And as much as i actually am truly happy for you,
I miss you.

But I guess that's all i can do, isn't it?

Chin up, beautiful

生活不容易过，忙忙碌碌挫折很多。

但是不管生活上发生多少不好的事情都是为了要让你变成一个更加坚强的人。

所以，不要放弃生活，不要放弃梦想，也不要小看自己的工作小看自己。

让自己的生命去影响别人的生命让整个世界变得更加的美好！

还有，不要错过任何一个拥抱，不要吝啬说声 “加油”!
 

This has never been more applicable; the road to As has only a short runway of 97 days left and the pressure's definitely on. I've really hit rock bottom this time and time's running out - but this ain't gonna stop me from giving it my all till the end. Whatever it is, I've endured and gone through six years of this, and i'm not going to let it go to waste nor let anyone down, anymore. 

But before I go on my long blog hiatus for my exam preparation in these 97 days, I just really wanna take a pause and dedicate this post to all of you out there.

_____________________________________________________________________

 

Dear you,

It's been such an arduous and stressful journey, hasn't it? All the hard work, all the sacrifices and all the time spent. I hope things have been going well for you.

If you're having good grades and balancing life well, I'm truly happy for you - keep it up, and keep going because you know you can do it :) Shine bright, and don't forget to reward yourself.

On the other hand, if you're feeling down, feeling useless, worthless, or even on the brink of giving up; I just want to let you know that you're not alone, and that it's okay to feel this way at times. You could be breaking down, feeling as though things aren't gonna get better, or even not finding any hope or meaning anymore, but just know this: you are loved, and you are better and stronger than you think. No matter how much it hurts now, just know that you'll get through, and that one day you'll look back and realise that this has made your life more fulfilling and meaningful.

Find something to fight for - be it yourself, your family, your friends, your teachers, or even just for the sake of life - but remember never to lose yourself in the process. Who you are will shine from within; it'll shine brighter than any certificate or testimonial that you may get or have gotten. This may sound a little cliché, but truthfully, what defines us is not our failures nor our brokenness. It's the way you pick yourself up despite how hard things are, the little acts of kindness or kind words you've bestowed upon people, and it's so much more than any bad feelings about yourself or about life that you may have now.

It's a tough period, but it won't be forever. You've already gone through these many years in your life, and this ain't going to break you. But even if it does, it's not permanent. Know that you have the capability to mend yourself and pick yourself up - with a little help from the people in your life, of course - so start, because it's up to you to find beauty in the ugliest of days, and because

 

You matter.

And remember, even if you feel as though the world has turned their back on you, you're definitely not alone, and not unimportant. The feeling of loneliness comes from within you, and no one is ever truly alone in this world. All you have to do is to step out again, or let people come back into your life. (Pst, by the way, just to let you know; no matter who you are, or whether we've met - just know that I care, I empathise, and that you've got a friend in me!)

Whatever may come your way, jiayou, and hang in there! You're beautiful, you're amazing, and you're worth so much more than you think. Chin up, cause you deserve it!

Love,

Me

不要错过任何一个拥抱，不要吝啬说声 “加油”!

志在四方 just came to a close and it's truly been a joy and an inspiration watching this show omg i can't believe it's ended already. Definitely makes it to the top of my list of favourite Mediacorp dramas of all time. QYW's performance really really stood out cuz he was just so extremely natural with the goofy smiles and all, so unlike his previous style. Okay tbh everyone in that show really gave a stellar performance, kudos kudos kudos!

Anyway a long post coming up before my hiatus till the end of the long awaited A levels; stay tuned!

-

On a side note, just rewatched the finale of Glee Season 3 and sobbed like crazy.

RIP Cory Monteith, you've been a true inspiration. No amount of words can describe the way you've impacted so many of us fans through being Finn and through being yourself, and we pray that Lea's alright.. The heavens have gained another talented angel. Fly high, and I hope you're happy up there.

Strengthened

Got back my results today and I've gotta admit that despite gearing up for the worst, it was disappointing and it hurt quite a lot. Won't be shy about it and I'd admit that

1) I had limited time in revision and studying
2) The above shouldn't have been / shouldn't be an excuse
3) I have since hit rock bottom, but I know that from now I can only go up.

Earned for myself a bunch of Useless Us (yes, rhyme intended) along with a nice C for my GP, which sums up my grades to be CUUUU and I can actually really say "C UUUU (again next year dhs)" if I continue on like this.

But i will not.

Very very thankful for the encouragements I've got today :)
@junjiee_: "Jiayou -inserts biceps emoji-"
@amandaaaalee: "press on! just don't give up :)"
@alleenyeoh: "hello. jiayou on become an As-s student"
Not to forget classmates' encouragements, Eunice's nagging and spurring me to study + Eric's call and insistence to help me get through all this. Eric's was especially funny cuz he understood me so well to the extent that one of the first things he told me was "I don't wanna know your grades, I wanna know how your parents reacted cuz their reaction would affect yours". Not to mention that he's now gonna devote some hours from his weekend bookouts to sit by my side while i'm studying to help me sharpen my exam skills.. Like seriously, i can never be more thankful.

So from here, let's move on, and move up. Cuz when you've hit rock bottom, the only way is up :)

I don't know

"Tell us what we did wrong"

"Did we not give you enough"
"Maybe its our fault that..."
"Maybe we're just bad parents who don't know how to encourage you"
"No, I-"
"What happened to you"
"Why are you like this"
"Having no self confidence is like self destruction"
"Did your boyfriend do something wrong to you"
"Did some guy say something to trigger all this"
"How have we not provided you with all you need"
"I'm getting impatient"
"I have to face the music with your teachers for bringing you to Europe"
"What you do want from us"
"Your family is not even broken or anything"
"Do you want to quit school"
"Is there something we done wrong"
"Be true to yourself"
"But I-"
"The results at the end of the day will show how much you put in"
"Is it that you don't want to study anymore"
"If you want to sing just tell me"
"We can provide for you"
"We are so confident, why are you like this"
"The past six years you've been disappointing us, are you going to do it again"
"The end result will show"
"Why aren't you communicating with us"
"All i want is a B"
"You see, I-"
"Attitude problem will ruin your life"
"If you're happy, i'm happy"
"I have to fly off with a heavy heart and its very much because of you"
"Don't be a bloody burden to me"
"Bloody piece of shit"

Because i don't know. I don't know what i want. I don't know what i can achieve. I don't know if anything good would happen to me. I don't know if i have a future. I don't know if i can do it. I don't know if my efforts will pay off at the end of the day. I don't know if i'm going to live up to your expectations. I don't know if i can live with myself not doing well. I don't know if i will be disappointed again. I don't know if i'd disappoint you again. I don't know if i'm enough. I don't know what's my best anymore. I don't know what it feels like to do well anymore. I don't know what to do. And most of all, I don't know how to love myself and believe in myself. I really don't.

 

It's enough how much my mind fights against itself, how i feel as though i'm bipolar on the inside. I really don't need anymore implants of negativity into myself. I'm broken enough. I'm so tired. My head is pounding. I feel as though my tear glands are dried out.

And i really have to get these wayward thoughts that i have now out of my head. But then again maybe doing crazy things for once without consideration will fix my life and put things into perspective.

I don't know.

Hope

Today was actually one of the best days I've had in a really really long time. Spent the morning clarifying my math paper after contacting Mr Sim to schedule a session, moved on to the Geog paper which was meh but it's okay because I know what I need to work on. Had dinner with Christina and Eunice at Parkway and subsequently getting a random act of kindness back at Tampines on my way home. And people started contacting me, asking me out, and turns out i'm actually remembered by my friends from way back, too.

But most of all I think the best thing was that I knew. I knew what was going on, I knew that i had something on, I knew that i had something to look forward to. Because when you know what you want, and you know that you've something to look forward to, you start to hope.

And to have hope is one of the most intrinsically powerful things in this world.

How

What's life?
Why do we live?
What do we live for?

Heck, who knows.

And yet why do so many people out there just carry on with the incessant drone of life, living with the flow, living because that's the only thing we can do? Lol, that's existing, not living.

Yeah, i'm disillusioned, troubled, uncertain and horrifically petrified at what's gonna come because I can't imagine a thing. I don't imagine myself going anywhere, doing anything, getting together with anyone, having any car or house or hdb or attic or whatever. It's funny because I really don't, and can't imagine myself having any future at all in any aspect. I may say I aim to be a teacher in Northlight to help those truly in need, or to study Psychology at Yale-NUS just because. But heck, no, all my head says is "I can't I can't I can't" and it's been hard fighting back at it.

Who the heck was I to even coach all those kids and tell them "believe in yourself and love yourself because you're worth it and because there's so much to live for" when I don't even have a damned ounce of self-belief to even speak of. It's as though I don't see a reason in giving a shit about myself.

Numb, empty, blank.

I don't even know what's happening. My parents went berserk over my lack of drive and my hopeless self and I guess i'm ok now because it pains me to see them sad.

"What happened?"
I don't even know how to answer that. It's as though things just dawned on me that I didn't see a point in striving for anything or achieving anything anymore. We're a speck, heck no we're even less than a speck in this vast universe so at the end of the day you're nobody anyway.

Lol did I just type that.

Anyway I guess i'll be ok, or I am okay. I just got to figure out what I want for myself and who I want to be. Cause in the end its up to you to love yourself, everyone's ultimately alone anyway. Love yourself, believe in yourself, have faith in yourself.

And i'm just doing my best to figure out: how?

First paper gone today. I don't know how to feel. It's as though I knew how to do it but the yapping voices in my head just kept telling me it's no use. And what's the point anyway? Why should I be successful? Why do I need to get good grades for As? Why do I need to live a good life, or even live?

Math tuition was just over and Mr Sim just told me to have faith. The moment he stepped out of my house I broke down. Have faith in what? My abilities? The fact that I may or may not even do well? I don't even see a point in doing well anymore.

I've been living for others. Wanting to get good grades cause I owe it to my parents, my family, my teachers and friends who put in the effort to guide me and encourage me. Wanting to do good for others just because I think they're worth the effort. Smiling because I know the people around me would notice if I didn't. Breathing because I owe it to my parents who gave me life.

And fact is, who am i? I'm just a speck in the world, i'm no Nelson Mandela nor Mother Teresa, and so what if i made a difference? I have no bloody motivation and nothing to fight for.

Because who am I to think that I'm important? 

I don't want to hurt anymore.
I don't want to cry anymore.
I don't want to fail anymore.

But what's the use when I don't even have a motivation anymore?
What's the point if I don't even find a point in anything anymore?
And what's the damn point if I don't find a point in living anymore?

Fall

The nights are the worst. As night falls, the tears fall and the thoughts flood. I miss you like crazy, but I know I shouldn't.

But what am I to do? I want the best for you. 

Life in Pictorial Snippets #1

 

 

 

Just so you know

All these years I thought that being heartbroken / rejected was the worst feeling ever. It wasn't until now that I realise how wrong I was. Breaking someone else's heart is more unbearable than anything I've ever felt. Everyone's been asking me if i'm okay / telling me not to be sad / asking how they can help. Thank you peeps, but I guess it's really something I've got to go through myself. Despite the sleepless nights, despite the tears that fall out from nowhere - I am healing and I will heal. (And so will you, I promise. And this song is so apt. I'm so glad you found it. Thank you.)

 

Just so you know, I care, and I always will. And if it's meant to be, things will work out in the end. Just not now.

Thank you x

Dear you,

I don't know when you'll read this or if you'd even read it at all; but I guess I want to just let you know how thankful I am. I've grown up thinking that I'd probably always be the one who loved more, one who'd be chasing after guys to no avail and one only suited to be a guy's best friend and nothing more. And I believed it, till I got together with you.

I'm so thankful. Thankful for these 3+ months of care and concern. Thankful for having you around in my life. Thankful for your affection, your sincerity and your patience. Thankful for all the things you've done for me, be it big or small gestures and actions. Thankful for the relentless good morning and good night texts. Thankful, most of all, for your love.

My biggest regret would be breaking your heart. But like I told you, i'd rather break it now than to shred it later. You will heal, and you will learn to love again. And so will I. Just wanna let you know that you're not alone, and you never will be. I will always care and i'm sure the friends around you love and care for you loads too. Take care of yourself, alright?

This is hard for me too, trust me, its not easy when tears start coming down my face out of nowhere. But at the end of the day I have to be strong and I had to be strong (especially in front of you) because I know that this is what would be best for you. You'll find someone so much more deserving of your love and attention, for your perfection and purity in the true love that you give. 

You'll always have a place in my heart.

Love,

Me

My life is a fucking drama serial. I've had enough.

Less

"I’ve been there. We all have. This is what happens. Maybe you used to love them or you just don’t yet, even though you want to, even though you’re trying. Some people call that commitment phobia or being selfish, but you’re not afraid of commitment. In fact, it’s exactly the opposite. You long for the idea of spending your life with someone, finding that one person you can give yourself to and someone you can grow old with. You can’t wait to be old with someone. You aren’t afraid, you’re just careful about who you give your heart away to and what words like “I love you” and “Forever” mean. You want to mean them when you say them, and you’ve known too many people who throw those words around carelessly. So, you are guarded about who you love and give your words away to. / You can feel bad about this, and in certain cases, you should. It’s easy to unintentionally take advantage of a person who loves you, someone who looks into your eyes with undying devotion." - Thought Catalog

(What am I to do now?)

Knowing

 "If you tell me unrequited love is hard, then why can't you
accept the love from someone who's so willing to give it to you?"
 

 

At times we know

What we want

What we yearn for

And what exactly we need

 

At times we yearn for

Things we don't have

Things we might get

And things everyone else wants

 

But sometimes when you

Get what you want

You realise

It's not really what you wanted

 

Perhaps it was,

Before

But not now

And probably not the future

 

But

The future is uncertain, anyway

So how would we even

Know?

 

/

 

Search your heart and

Ask that little voice inside of you

For at the end of the day

You'd probably know best

 

(I really don't know what will make me happy/unhappy now, and what I want from all this.
Either way, I foresee myself having regrets.)

x

"I guess love is a funny thing, the way it fades without warning;
it doesn't asked to be excused and when it's gone, oh it's gone."

Fragile

Life, relationships, friendships, self.

It's quite difficult to believe in these things at times, seeing out fragile and short lived they can be at times. It scares me how much things can change so quickly and so drastically between people and i'm just praying that all the rest of the lovely couples i know will stay together because i really really really hope to believe in lasting love and commitment. And I guess it's making me feel very guilty now because i can really feel the imbalance and toil of my own relationship, and it's with me starring as the bad guy. I don't know how much of my trust and faith in his intentions and all is considerable, but i know his understanding, love, commitment, dedication, care and support is so immense and i can never match up to it. I reckon he's really many girls' dream kind of boyfriend with all the sweet texts and endearing support. Tumblr worthy, in fact.

I'm busy, i'm weary, i'm tired. And i don't know what to do with all this anymore so i'm just going to let it be and see what life has in store for me. Maybe it's just cause i haven't seen him in awhile and that i miss him. Or maybe it's cause feelings fade. Whatever it is i'm hanging on because i don't ever want to have any regrets. I'm just so confused now.

I can't

"I can't love you. I can’t love you because you adore me too much. Every time I wish for you to stop flattering me, to stop agreeing with me on every little thing, to stop doing every completely nonsensical thing I ask of you, it makes me feel sick, ungrateful and mean. You’re wonderful for thinking I’m wonderful, but I can’t love you because you don’t love me for my flaws—you love me in spite of them. You don’t see me for what I am—the ugly, pungent parts of my guts. You can’t and don’t want to tear these parts out of me while I scream. I can’t love you because you won’t defy me, because you won’t fight me when I’m wrong. I can’t love you because you don’t stand eye to eye with me and challenge me, demand of me, to be a better person. I can’t love you because it’s too hard and I’m too busy. I’m so busy all the time. I keep trying to convince myself that you’re just not right for me but half the problem is I simply don’t have the time for you. I can’t love you because I’m scared. Because I’ve been broken hearted and I know the pain of losing something I love all too well. I don’t have another heartbreak in me, and sometimes when I look at you I imagine myself as a younger girl and I know I would have ridden into the sunset with you, had you asked, even if you were entirely wrong for me. I can’t love you because I’m so tired of love; its commitments and risks. I can’t love you because I don’t know if you’re worth the commitment or the risk and I’m not willing to find out the hard way, although I sincerely hope that one day I will be." - Thought Catalog

I can’t love you the way you love me, and sometimes I’m afraid that makes me a bad person.
I guess i do love you, but i'm just so confused as to what i'm supposed to do now.

Like entries on diaries,

To-dos on schedulers,

Photographs in albums

And the words sprawled across your favourite book

Like the wit in conversations,

Harmonies in songs,

Chords on a guitar

And those lyrics that haunt you

 

Like the breeze at sea,

Sunrise and sunsets,

Fjords and mountains

And walks on the beaches

 

Like electric currents,

City lights in the night,

Fireworks

And static that runs through your veins

 

That's what love should be.

Breathtaking, passionate, and yet,
Enduring.

 

/

 

 

Enough

What a day of highs and lows.

Phone got confiscated yesterday by TCB cuz i used it while Mr A. Chan was singing his rendition of "Starry starry night" before the lecture started and i was just finishing up whatever i was doing with my phone. Went up to him to apologize after the lecture and he asked me to see him tomorrow. Reflected and i admit it probably wasn't the best thing to do so i went to him this morning and was sincerely apologetic. Went to the staff room and asked if he was in and he snapped "wait outside la!" and scared the hell out of me. Got a subsequent scolding in which he probably spilled his whole day of pent up bad moods onto me. Fine, i can tolerate. "Come and take your phone at the end of the day", he says.

Hours past and my day finally ended with GP as the last period. Went up to him and he coolly and sneerily says "Oh? My day hasn't ended. Come find me at 6pm."

Thing is, i needed my phone desperately for many reasons

1. I needed to reschedule my tuition that was at 430pm today
2. I needed to settle and collate the costume stuff
3. I needed to contact people for the payment of the vest
4. I needed to contact the bugis street guy for the vests
5. I needed to discuss about the Bennu event which would take place at 530pm today
6. I needed to contact my econs tutor

AND IF I COULDN'T RESCHEDULE MY TUITION, HOW IN THE WORLD COULD I GO AND FIND HIM AT 6PM? So i told him "I have tuition later at home". And his reply? "Oh, then go home lor" and he struts off leaving me dumbfounded.

Fair enough, i accepted his 6pm timing and went ahead to contact my mom and subsequently my math tutor (after she gave me his number) to reschedule the session. Thank God he was nice enough to do so so i had one thing off my back.

Went ahead with my day and took things in my stride, preparing for the Running Bennunus event. It definitely cheered me up and i counted down to 6pm and didn't want to go bother TCB before that because i respected his orders. So the best thing was that i went to the staff room at 6:05pm, only to find out from Celeste that he left at 4pm (i would very much like to swear now but i'm restraining).
Contacted him subsequently using Weilee's phone and he just said, "Oh, i left for a teachers' viewing at the ArtScience Museum, you can find me on Thurs to collect the item." Why, thank you very much for that, i really appreciate you doing your best to teach me a lesson.

As much as I respect that he's truly a good and responsible teacher and educator, and as much as I do my best to defend his name because so many people just think's he's this anal and unhappy soul, I just really feel alot for him because i care, and i care enough to want to see him genuinely happy for once.

So i calmed down and talked to Russ who gave me this advice:

Well I can't tell you what to do. Because I'm not there. I don't know what he's doing and I don't know what you're doing. Instead, here are some good questions to ask! What does he want? A place to vent because he's in a bad mood? To be difficult to piss you off? Respect because he feels unappreciated? What do you want? Your phone, someone to vent to (hi), and not to burn bridges with this teacher. What can you do about it? There's walking away (not an option), confrontation, or going up the food chain. When you find out what he wants, ask yourself; do you want to give him what he wants? If it's respect,you can give a little to him and he'll be placated, and you can play him for a fool. OR, you can not give it to him, because you don't want him to win at these little games, and find someone superior to force him to return the phone and apologize, and 'win'. Both are perfectly legit options. Now ask if you've gotten everything you want with the said solution. If it is, then go do it! If not, change your strategy. Don't want him pissed at you? Maybe when you talk to him, be respectful so you know that you're giving him a hard time because of the situation and not because it's personal. Tell the superior that; I need my phone, and need to get on with my life it's affecting everything, and I'm not worried that it's unreasonable but that it's affecting my studies. Having tacitly mentioned that it's unreasonable will get the superior on your side. Or colleague, equal standing-people can also be a good help. Like a form teacher! Keep in mind what people want, then you can play them however you like and come out tops. 

Come on, don't give a damn and all your problems go away. Are you going to date this guy? Join his family? Play Clash of Clans with him? No right? So why the hell should you give a shit.

Idk. What he said makes alot of sense but i do give a shit cuz i do care, and enough for me to be sad that he's like this. I really don't want to spite him nor anger him intentionally. It's not so much about the phone anymore (I'd probably get my new iPhone 5 tomorrow anyway); what i was upset about was that his words meant nothing. If he truly wanted to only give me back my phone on Thurs, then just say it so i won't feel like a fool to believe him and have my two days of communication messed up because of his broken promises.

So yeah because of Running Bennunus i had to take it in my stride again and i did. Cheered up quite alot over the silly games like Chubby Bunny challenge with Zhengyu and Calvin competing. Zhengyu actually managed to stuff 15 marshmellows into his mouth and still be able to speak lol he was really a chubby bunny then. The atmosphere was high so it influenced me alot and cheered me up, especially with ridiculous Zhengyu zihighing and being silly. So the event ended with the pizzas wiped out and we started the clean up. Shifted the tables and chairs and cleaned the floors together w both batches of house comm and i had no complaints cuz it was my responsibility. My mom, on the other hand, had alot to say and complain about, especially on the way home.

And this is where my mood just took a freefall and plunged. Was so mentally and physically drained from the whole day and my mom, albeit with good intentions, went on and on and on and on and i just couldn't take it anymore. All the questioning and antagonizing had really poked me so much that i started sobbing and then she screamed at me and told me she hated my crying. Yeah okay thanks.

I've had enough.
I've had enough of crying
I've had enough of all the ranting
I've had enough of having to deal with all the stress
I've had enough of having to deal with the expectations
I've had enough of the comparisons
I've had enough of the spite
I've had enough of having to take everything in my stride
I've had enough of having to tolerate time and again
I've had enough of you telling me "oh i'm not a saint like you", cuz i'm just doing my best to be a better person
I've had enough of all the contradictions
I've had enough of feeling aggrieved
I've had enough of the fact that you almost only find fault
I've had enough of being caught in the middle of my responsibilities and having to pacify you
Most of all, I've had enough of being so tired about everything, really.

Believe me or not, i want to do well. And i want to do well being the better person i wanna be, being the selfless and caring person i strive to be and being a good, unselfish individual. I won't forsake who i am for grades, but i won't jeopardize my grades either. I've seen so many people change because of individual gains, endeavours and studies. I don't want to be one of them, and i just don't want these tough circumstances to change me, and change the way i want myself to be.

Am i really not enough?

Weekly, Edition 2

Haaaaay wurld.

Okay that was weird. Anyway sorry for that really badly structured + over questioning post about Love; was just really vexed about some stuff and it triggered that thought! Life's been really draining and i've been busy chasing unicorns lol ok i think i'm on the verge of insanity rn.

Here's another update on the week that just past ha.

Monday was a crazy day with loads to do! Epic max in math lecture cuz it struck 1215 and i just started spamming the SYF AP results page and corresponding with dear SH choristers on the whatsapp group chat.. Aaaaaand *drumroll* we got DISTINCTION! Yaaaaay hahaha we were alll jumping and high-fiving outside the Audi after the lecture :)

It was also dear Yanting's b'day so we had the b'day surprise after PC for her and it was quite epic cuz we decided to troll her. Gathered everyone and we basically just took out the green notebooks and the post-it, telling her "Happy birthday, this is from all of us" and it was just really super awkward cuz she was appreciative and yet apprehensive cuz the present was really just extremely pathetic lol.

So after the deliberate awkwardness we finally took out the polaroid we bought her and hehe the delight on her face is so heartening! Camwhored and took the polaroids, really love these girls so much xoxo!

Went on to buy the gongcha at I12 with Zhengyu and Junjie! Quite epix cuz gongcha had to take a helluva long time cuz they had to cook the pearls and the tea. -_- Sooooooo while waiting i got to know these two juniors and Bennu HC successors better! Walked around and stuff till we decided to go eat at BFF (Batter Fluffy Flaps) @ Katong!

The pancakes was really not bad hahaha!! And these two juniors are really fun to be around with, grateful to have had the opportunity to get to know them better! :) The gongcha was finally ready and brought it back to school for the Bennunus waited for ages for it haha oops. Choir afterwards was... bad but it was probably due to overexhaustion from the many practices and hours of singing in the past week so no biggie! :)

 

Tuesday was another busy day but with MSC, math tuition and all. Tiring hahahah. :(

 

Wednesday was alright, had the SC investiture which was terrifying at the start cuz of Dr Foo's address omg. Applaud him for his efforts and care but tbh the grammar police'd have died in that speech. Subsequent ceromony and performance was really not bad and it ended well i guess! Met up with my momsie for lunch at Ichiban Boshi, then homebound!

 

Thursday was crazy busy but crazy fun too! Had a short 1hr of choreo session in the morning and it's  really coming into shape!! :) So school started and I had to do my NAPFA for PE since i missed it cuz of SYF! Really happy and fulfilled cuz not only did I get a gold with improved stats for all 5 stations, i helped my friends pass too and did extra rounds of shuttle run / SBJ and a collective 7 rounds around the track with Yirong, Zhiyi, Yangwei and Yiling for their individual 2.4 runs! Muscles ached like crazy but it was really fulfilling, neverthless :)

 

School as per usual with the truckloads of hours of free periods. Went to the PAC with Claire, Bryan, Arthur and Turts for the lighting and managed to try out my solo in that venue for the first time! Quite amazed that my voice could actually project and be heard even in the circle seats!! Hyped!! HC meeting with Mr Ngiam after that and he was really quite humourous tbh :) I'd wanna be a teacher like that!

 

Ok uhm so after all of that I met up with Isaac for dinz! Ate with the monster at Astons and he cut a piece of the rare steak he ordered and practically shoved it at me so yeah i had my first piece of rare steak and it was surprisingly nice... Though gross at the same time.

Aha aha aha dat photo. But anyway on a side note, he's really grown and matured much through the years. So extremely heartwarming to witness the improvement of a good friend through the years and to have helped them through it!! Happy for him and thank God for this friend who brought much joy to me through the years!

 

Today was a good day! Well most of it, at least.

Met up with the BFF turts reaaally early in the morning. Woke up and it was raining omg (best weather to sleep in, yah?) so i was so damn reluctant haha. Anyway that joker went to board the train subconciously so he had to board the train when it was super full and packed like sardines and everyone was just squished together so i was in an extremely awkward position facing his TREASURE CHEST lol -_- Lucky it cleared at Paya Lebar though it was hard to breathe hah. Went along to Bugis and had b'fast at Subway (where he had a foot long and i had a pathetic shortbread thingy and he was mocking me).

 

Headed on to the supermarket where he bought a litre of milk and jugged half of it down within 30 seconds omg. To his dismay and my utter amusement, he didn't know the shops in Singapore open around 1030am. So we had nothing to do for an hour (did i mention how extremely smart this bff of mine was). Walked around and around and around till we finally decided to head to Bras Basar to scout for the flag materials first. Some epic moments with the bamboo pole and i got poked countless times by that turts (YOU DIE) lolol. Went on to Bugis Street to scout for the costumes and we managed to find an affordable vest for the guys yaaaay!

 

Bus-ed back to school and walked with the pole armed and there were some extremely amusing moments in which my puny brain cannot remember at the moment haha ohwell. Back at school and i transcripted Adiemus for the choir before heading to to choir room to do up the flags and lepak!

 

Really love my choir batchmates to the max hahaha we had really loads of fun before the practice started hahaha camwhored and role played and played limbo with the bamboo stick and all! Let the photos do the talking hahha :) :) :)

 

 

Hehe love my choir girls and my choir peeps :) Mm ok so practice started and we went to the PAC to test out the choreo as a whole choir!! Was not bad cept for some unfamiliar nerves and all. It's gonna be a spectacular performance, i can feel it pulsating through my veinsssssss *_* Some gay max moments between SZ and JZ hahahah but i really love the feeling of all of us up on that PAC stage again, it felt like it was truly our moment!!

 We had Twelve Cupcakes as a celebration for our efforts for SYF too!! Had loads of fun and we were all going crazy eating and singing and prancing around! Did all sorts of nonsense and epic stuff too hahaa i shall let the photos talk again

 

Really felt like family, sharing the joy and the laughter, growing and learning through all the tough times and just being there for one another, not just as a choir, but as a family and friends for life. I've made some of my closest and best friends through this CCA and it's truly one of the best decisions of my life to have joined this family (ok i'm tearing while typing this now but i really love them ALOT) Love the choir family so so so so so so much xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :)

 



 --------

Okay haha that sums up my week and my muscles are sore to the extent that any major movement or small poke (esp on my back / shoulder blades) will hurt like askasjdhsfslha. Gotta sleep now, gonna have another productive and amazing session with choir tomorrow!

 

Till next time and remember that things'll get better! Smile and goodnight! x