How

What's life?
Why do we live?
What do we live for?

Heck, who knows.

And yet why do so many people out there just carry on with the incessant drone of life, living with the flow, living because that's the only thing we can do? Lol, that's existing, not living.

Yeah, i'm disillusioned, troubled, uncertain and horrifically petrified at what's gonna come because I can't imagine a thing. I don't imagine myself going anywhere, doing anything, getting together with anyone, having any car or house or hdb or attic or whatever. It's funny because I really don't, and can't imagine myself having any future at all in any aspect. I may say I aim to be a teacher in Northlight to help those truly in need, or to study Psychology at Yale-NUS just because. But heck, no, all my head says is "I can't I can't I can't" and it's been hard fighting back at it.

Who the heck was I to even coach all those kids and tell them "believe in yourself and love yourself because you're worth it and because there's so much to live for" when I don't even have a damned ounce of self-belief to even speak of. It's as though I don't see a reason in giving a shit about myself.

Numb, empty, blank.

I don't even know what's happening. My parents went berserk over my lack of drive and my hopeless self and I guess i'm ok now because it pains me to see them sad.

"What happened?"
I don't even know how to answer that. It's as though things just dawned on me that I didn't see a point in striving for anything or achieving anything anymore. We're a speck, heck no we're even less than a speck in this vast universe so at the end of the day you're nobody anyway.

Lol did I just type that.

Anyway I guess i'll be ok, or I am okay. I just got to figure out what I want for myself and who I want to be. Cause in the end its up to you to love yourself, everyone's ultimately alone anyway. Love yourself, believe in yourself, have faith in yourself.

And i'm just doing my best to figure out: how?