I don't know

"Tell us what we did wrong"

"Did we not give you enough"
"Maybe its our fault that..."
"Maybe we're just bad parents who don't know how to encourage you"
"No, I-"
"What happened to you"
"Why are you like this"
"Having no self confidence is like self destruction"
"Did your boyfriend do something wrong to you"
"Did some guy say something to trigger all this"
"How have we not provided you with all you need"
"I'm getting impatient"
"I have to face the music with your teachers for bringing you to Europe"
"What you do want from us"
"Your family is not even broken or anything"
"Do you want to quit school"
"Is there something we done wrong"
"Be true to yourself"
"But I-"
"The results at the end of the day will show how much you put in"
"Is it that you don't want to study anymore"
"If you want to sing just tell me"
"We can provide for you"
"We are so confident, why are you like this"
"The past six years you've been disappointing us, are you going to do it again"
"The end result will show"
"Why aren't you communicating with us"
"All i want is a B"
"You see, I-"
"Attitude problem will ruin your life"
"If you're happy, i'm happy"
"I have to fly off with a heavy heart and its very much because of you"
"Don't be a bloody burden to me"
"Bloody piece of shit"

Because i don't know. I don't know what i want. I don't know what i can achieve. I don't know if anything good would happen to me. I don't know if i have a future. I don't know if i can do it. I don't know if my efforts will pay off at the end of the day. I don't know if i'm going to live up to your expectations. I don't know if i can live with myself not doing well. I don't know if i will be disappointed again. I don't know if i'd disappoint you again. I don't know if i'm enough. I don't know what's my best anymore. I don't know what it feels like to do well anymore. I don't know what to do. And most of all, I don't know how to love myself and believe in myself. I really don't.

 

It's enough how much my mind fights against itself, how i feel as though i'm bipolar on the inside. I really don't need anymore implants of negativity into myself. I'm broken enough. I'm so tired. My head is pounding. I feel as though my tear glands are dried out.

And i really have to get these wayward thoughts that i have now out of my head. But then again maybe doing crazy things for once without consideration will fix my life and put things into perspective.

I don't know.