“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”
― Marilyn Monroe

Never easy to live in this messed up world isn't it? True enough, it shapes us to who we are and imperfections are actually perfect at times, but it gets so complicated at times. And the worse part is where you get wrong, you get judged and you get mocked. Gah i don't even know why i'm like this now. I guess i'm tired.

*switches happy mode on*
Yeah enough of those overthinking nonsense, here're some photos to sum up the past 3 days :) Rather unproductive but fulfilling days indeed :)

29th

Finally started on my promo study checklist (it's ridiculously long and epic) and i used these pretty printables, it turned out so pretty hahhaha -motivated- Sometimes its these cheap thrills that make all of us happy! But doing this schedule up made me realise the truckloads of things i had to complete. :(

Mom bought my first set of earrings hehe it's supah pretty!! Have more but this one's a set!

Need like those plastic geomentric shapes though. I want a hallows sign one too aaaah :)

Was looking for a notebook to write my notes in and i found this!! From eric for my birthday, was so apt for me during my low and unconfident days so, thanks bro! :)

29th is also EUNICE DAY as marked out on my organiser :) Happy birthday to my bestie hehehehe! It's amazing how our friendship transcended these 5 years and though we have really different personalities and temperaments, we managed to stay close through the years. Really miss having her around and having a best friend with me in class. :/ But yes, here's to Eunice Koh for being a best friend that i know i can count on :) You can count on me toooooo!! <3

Had Teachers' Day Celeb full dress rehearsal too! Performed 暖暖 with Val and Linyao, it was really really fun working w these two girls :) And they're both really talented hehehe!! Maybe we can open a dunmanhigh youtube account featuring all the people who can sing :D

Had Bakerzin for dinner with xiaogu, grandparents and sis :) First time having their non-dessert selection and it was quite good ahaha i'm impressed. And their cakes are really one of the best :D Aim to bake like that one day, can't wait for promos to end for some time off to do some baking!

Bunked in with mom and sis! Long time since i felt so close to them in awhile.

Moreover my mom's room has this comfy feeling to it hahahahh all the white sheets and comforters!

 

30th

Lunch

Had an angry bird for lunch ahhahaah cutest yongtaufoo selection i've ever come across!!

 

St. Nick's Choir Concert :)

Went for St. Nick's choir concert with Isaac under his relentless requests haha but i'm glad i went. Met him at Macs first and he could seriously be spotted like 200m away cause of his tie and all. This dude can't stop self-praising and self-proclaming that he's good looking and i refused to "admit" that he is aha aha aha. But yeah he's been one of my considerably close friends and though he's had loads of problems in his life i'm really glad he pulled through. :) Hope his life'll start getting back on track and i'm just grateful for a friend that can make me laugh and feel carefree with his ego and jokes :)

XOXO met up with Vanessa too!! Called ruo down to take a polaroid and voila! We finally have our first polaroid together aaaaah. And again, i can't wait for promos / As to end so i can finally meet up with them for shopping or food hunting or whatever :)

 

31st

 Teachers' Day Celebrations

Hehe JH and SH choir combined to give this hugeass card to our choir teachers in charge :)

Missed choir loads :(

Went to Sistic @ Indoor Stadium to queue for SWC tix with Eunice hahaha (not going though)

Bought her a cake (to her dismay) cause i didn't get to celebrate w her on the actual day!

 

 

 

 Shall end the post here, i'm getting really tired hahaha. Post soon!! :)

 

 

 

“This life is what you make it. Not matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And babe, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up becuase if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.” 

― Marilyn Monroe

Proverbs 14:13-14 (ESV)
Even in laughter the heart may ache, and the end of joy may be grief. The backslider in heart will be filled with the fruit of his ways, and a good man will be filled with the fruit of his ways.

In math lecture now but I'm really vexed about something else. I don't understand why she can't make things clear and just stop hurting him. Lol not that I like him but he's a close friend so I can't bear to see him hurt, really. He's doubted himself so many times, been selfless toward her, sweet, thoughtful and nice. Well maybe some girls just like those who don't give them the attention, but seriously, she should just stop prolonging his agony in seeing her and the other guy together. Maybe she has her own reasons and troubles. Maybe she's just confused and at loss of what to do. I don't know. I choose to believe that she definitely feels for him, but for a hopeless romantic like me, i'm starting to doubt that and I'm feeling really bad for him. She should know that he's been there for her, being a pillar of support just loving her with all his heart. And she should know that she could affect him a lot / the most, and that whatever she's doing now is not protecting him from any "hurt" that she may inflict - its ironically hurting him even more, to the extent that he may just give up after all this while.

I'm just hoping things will be alright for him, and I hope that she'll realise what she's doing soon. I really don't hope to see that she loses such a good guy like him for someone like.. okay no names. But really. She's giving up a thoughtful and selfless guy for someone who's just treating her like a prize to compete for.

Hoping for the best.

Can't blame you / For thinking / That you never really knew me at all
I try to deny you / But nothing never made me feel so wrong
I thought was protecting you
From everything that I go through
But I know that we got lost along the way

Good day today :) Had normal lessons and i managed to learn alot from the 1.5H Math tutorial. Mr Ong's really patient and meticulous, just really trying not to let him down in the upcoming promos..
After that was GP and Mr Tan refused to come back to teach us, so yeah we self-studied and all :/ Wasn't hungry so i sat in the CSC lesson haha it was quite an eye-opener seeing how relaxed the teacher was. And i agree with Valerie, he DOES look like a bear!!! :)

Rehearsed for the TDC with Lin Yao and Vally after that and finally completed the PPT in the library and sent it to Mingquan ~_______~

Anyway the best part of my day: I TALKED TO MY BEST FRIEND AGAIN, AFTER SO LONG. AND EVERYTHING'S STILL OKAY. NOT AWKWARD. NOTHING'S CHANGED. I AM SO HAPPYYYYYYYYY. Glad and grateful :) Saw him in the library and he looked like some rapper studying and lip-synching the notes in a hoodie so i decided to break this stupid code of silence and text him HA okay and then we finally acknowledged each other and talked ohgoodlord I am so relieved now. Can't imagine life without any of my best friends D/E/JZ/WS + fav people :)

So here's to lasting friendships and happy days :) Bye :)

These few photos pretty much summed up my Monday :)

Had choir phototaking today haha! Such a big choir we have now :') To be honest I really miss the JH choir times a lot, wit h all my qtpie beloved altos.. Took a Polaroid with Ruowei's new Polaroid too hehe glad she liked it :> Oh and at night I completed Mr Ong's teachers' day tumbler!!! Nice right hahaha :D

Kay that's all for now :)

What a record breaking one week of totally no hellos, no questions, nothing. It's sad how I'm feeling this way and you're probably too preoccupied with other things to even bother. Even simple things like replying to my tweets or a simple initiated wave would make me happy - but there was literally nothing. Maybe i'm the one that should try harder, that should take the initiative, but i guess for now its a test on how reliant i am on you, and how much you, on the other hand, bother.

I'm tired of being the one having to keep friendships together and i'm just tired of trying too hard and getting misunderstood for my intentions. Just so you know, i can go all out for a friend. And especially for you, my best friend. It doesn't mean my contributions of effort means that  i like you in any romantic way. I just hope everything will be fine and things won't turn out awkward cause of all this.

Or maybe i'll just get used to this and we'd be reduced to mere hi-bye friends.

I've had enough of not being good enough.

Just don't understand why good days seemingly can't last. If there were to be a strain in our relationship - perhaps I really was in the wrong for some things - it'd have been manifested from the many times you turned my good intent / a good conversation into a nasty and screamy one. Your impatience and ranting is going to drive me up the wall sooner or later.

Phrases like "oh you only did a mere 3 pages? Am i supposed to be proud of that?", "you're never going to do well at this rate", "what kind of shit is this", "your work is like pieces of junk" etc. start coming out and you're telling me that you're trying to encourage me. What am i supposed to think? And to be honest, i had already set my mind to pack my table this Wednesday for better revision. But you beat me to it and start scolding me for not caring and chucking everything aside, for not giving a hoot about my work. To be honest, i appreciate your efforts and for caring about my tidiness and stuff, but to say all that to me and spoil my whole entire day, to make me feel so upset and expect me to pick myself up every single time - i've had enough, really. All you have to do is truly communicate with me. Give me a chance to justify my actions, to tell you whats on my mind. Give me a chance to tell you what i'm doing to do, what my plans are for today; instead of just starting it with "you better get your priorities right when you get home, if you continue like this you're not gonna get anywhere". And then expect me to what, continue to be cheerful as i initially was? I may be resilient but not to that extent in becoming borderline bipolar. You drive me nuts at times.

This pressure isn't just coming from you. It's coming from dad, from our family, from teachers, and mostly, from myself. I really don't need anyone to remind me of how lousy i am and how much i need to buck up. I know all of this. And i can't change overnight - i'm just trying to improve as fast as i can, but i AM improving. I may not be the best person, the best student, the best teenager, the best sister or the best daughter, but i'm just trying to be someone better than who i was / am.

Here I am with all my heart / I hope you understand / I know I let you down
But I'm never gonna make that mistake again / You brought me closer to who I really am
Come take my hand / I want the world to see / What you mean to me

I love communicating with y'all, telling both of you things that happen in my life, telling you how i feel or even simply, how my day has been. I really tell y'all everything - and sometimes it just gets shrugged off, ignored or rebutted with words that just dampen my positive mood that i'm trying to keep. I really don't want to pull long faces or show unhappiness, but i'm human. I have my thoughts, my emotions, my reactions and my take on things. I really love this family but sometimes the biggest stress comes from here, and not from anywhere else.

I really don't like it when you contradict yourselves, telling me you're trying to encourage me and give me everything, subsequently demoralizing me and putting me down with all those nasty remarks. I don't like it when you can't let go of my past, and how it keeps reinforcing your wrong idea that i haven't changed one bit. I don't like it when you fuss over me and disallow me to make mistakes through wrong decisions. I don't like how the pressure from staying with grandparents is inflicted so much on me. I don't like how i have to live to expectations. Most importantly, i don't like how sometimes i feel as though i'm not a good enough daughter for you.

I admit, there're definitely many good times too. And i truly am grateful and thankful for them. I'm just extremely tired of how i'm being put through emotional rollercoasters because of all this. I may be strong, but there'll be a day that all this accumulation will come crashing down on me.

To both of my beloved parents, I know i'm your beloved kid. But i'm not a kid anymore.

Galatians 6:9 (ESV)
And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.

Feeling like a walking zombie now after editing the WR2 till 330AM last night. Kinda regretting it now... Wonder if i'll last through both math and econs tuition later. Anyway, decided to do a short update on life since next week'll be really really hectic and i may not have time.

Looking back on this week, it's been really fulfilling in many ways! Though it was a myriad of different feelings ranging from bliss to disappointment, it was nevertheless.. eventful. Monday was outing with beloved galen girls + PW, Tuesday was the econs market failure test and Wednesday was the day Mr Tan walked out on 5C12 #sighs :( Thursday was nothing much besides the revelation of my Merit for Grade 7 HAHA.

So yeap this post'll be about Fri (24/08) and Sat (25/08)!!
Friday was BAMSS - Bennu A Mooncake Snowskin Style :) To be honest we weren't really having high hopes on the participation of the event, especially when it was quite bleak at the start. So grateful for all of the people who started to join in and to be really honest, even though there weren't alot of people, the 20 people who were there had fun + we as a comm had fun too - and i think that's the thing that truly matters cause a successful event isn't determined by the number of people who attend, but the number of people walking away from it feeling good :) So yep haha oh and i took polaroids with Marc A and Kennedy!!! Missed these two juniors alot, haven't been able to really talk to them in awhile. Took a polaroid shot with Bennu HC too haha Ruoting was "selling" polaroids for a cause so yep! Other photos'll be uploaded another time cause i don't have it with me now :)

Went for choir halfway through the event.. Kinda missed those routine Mon and Fri practices that i used to have before i got suspended :( Haha anyway headed to check out the Mid Autumn Fest and OMAI there were so many people! It was really successful :) Dr Foo sang 月亮代表我的心 with Desirae too, and to be honest it was not bad HAHAHAH. Mom came to fetch me thereafter so i didn't really get to stay till the end of it :(

 

Saturday was Choir CIP at causeway pt! We sang for a CAUSE at CAUSEway point hahahahah punny right. #selfamusement Anyway, met up with Clarice YX Claire Bryan and JZ at Paya Macs for breakfast before meeting the rest at the MRT to head to Woodlands! Took tons of unglams of them and i had a slight reminiscence on how i used to spam photos of my life and spam unglams with my old camera THAT I LOST IN PRAGUE omg D: Sigh but anyway, the long MRT ride to woodlands was fun, and the North area of Singapore is really forest-y and serene :) Love seeing a change in scenery, detaching from the hustle and bustle of Tampines and the east side. So yep we reached Causeway Point and headed to the atrium area where they were setting up the balloon / facepainting / game / photo / info booths and i saw this:

 

SO CUTE RIGHT. The balloon sculptist was really quite talented :) :) :) Haha so after that, we headed to the field near the mall to do warm ups and stretches... I swear some passers-by thought that we were mad or something. It was especially funny when we sang Mr Tay's "I Like" warm up, cause we ended up singing and gesturing "I Like the Green Fields" on a vast green field itself :) Turts was being an awkard turtle as usual when he led warmups hahaha i was quite amused.. But anyway, at that point in time, i was feeling really thankful for these group of wackos for brightening up my life wherever we may be :) Though there may have been disagreements and stuff, i guess the most important thing in the end is that we're there for each other :)

 

Some photos of us on the vast green fields!!

Haha :) Mmm ok the programme started and we sang Singaporean Medley / Ti Or Or / My Friend Elijah / Daemon / For Good :) Good mix for a good mix of crowd haha though it was abit awkward singing choral songs in an atrium of the shopping mall... And Elijah reverberated and echo-ed hahaha we sounded like some 50-strong choir or sth HAHAHA. It's amazing how we matured and grew as a batch and as a choir from the time where we were Y1s and somewhat clueless.

 

The event itself had these two qtpie mascots (panda + dinosaur) and there were people going around selling polaroid shots for a cause (yet again).. So.. hehehehe...

 

 

First one was abit screwed and dark cause the polaroid's battery was going flat.. And the lady was nice to allow a second shot!! So hehe instead on 2 for $5, I got 3 for $5.. Not bad for a cause ;) So yep hehe shots on the polaroid with choir girls and my ever awkward turtle BFF :)

 

So yep the event ended quite abruptly as the people cut our performance (cause the GOH was arriving early, hah). So we headed back and i saw Vanessa!!! :) Hahaha she called out to me and immediately gave me a hug aww :') (Bryan thought i hugged a stranger LOL.) I miss her, but we've both been so busy.. Which reminds me, NABI LEAVES ON THE 9TH OMG MUST MEET UP WITH EVERYONE OR I'LL REGRET MAN :( Gahhh :(

 

Okay back to the update.. Was supposed to study out with JZ but that stupid turtle was feeling lazy and wanted the comfort of home -_- But it was a good thing, in a sense, cause my feet were darned sore, anyway. Oh and haha i remember how Yongxin was being really considerate and gentlemanly to Clarice on the mrt trip home and i can tell how much he really values her and protects her even though he can be utterly childish at times :) Hahaha i always feel happy when i see them happy together, and HELLO @ CLARICE if you're reading this :)

 

Gah ok i'm reaching my stop for tuition. Will post soon if i ever needa rant or anything :)

"When you’re sad, you’re not really sad. You are merely oblivious to the good things in your life. There is always a crack of light in the darkness. Find it."

Just a short update before I snuggle up and sleep :) Had an extremely pleasant surprise today when my piano teacher told me i got a Merit for my G7 practical... To be honest i expected to barely pass or something, with my horrid sigh reading on that day -insert gasp face- So yeap i'm extremely delighted and glad that at least i know i'm doing quite okay in certain aspects in my life and that i'm sort of gifted in a way or another -self consolation-

Anyway Mr Tan's situation really DID get out of hand, and though i agree to a small extent with comments that says he's going overboard, I guess this is a good time for all of us to reflect on how we've been as students - how we've taken teachers for granted, how we've disrespected or disregarded them and their good intentions. Don't wanna post too much about this here, but all in all, I really don't want to lose Mr Tan as a GP tutor. He really is very good and makes life enjoyable. He may've been mean to me in ways or another especially when he's in a foul mood; but whatever it is, i really wish for him to give our class a second chance or something. #crossingfingers

On another note, i'm just really tired of seeing you and acting as though we're mere hi-bye friends just so others wouldn't get the wrong idea. I really dislike having to conform towards a society that creates big fusses and messes up friendships with two people of the opposite gender. I must say i'm grateful that i still have jz and ws still being 2 of my 4 best friends. It's just so hard, especially when you were one of the people who supposedly understood me the most. And yet i got hurt all over again by you, by someone who means a lot to me. I just don't understand what i'm supposed to do now. It's as though we can't even sustain a long conversation with each other anymore. Am I really gonna lose this friendship that i hold so dear? When will all this take a turn for the better?

There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay / But that's not what gets me
What hurts the most / Was being so close
And havin' so much to say / And watchin' you walk away

Guess i'll just continue holding on. I'm just hoping this will all be strong enough to sustain through this, i don't want to go through another round of having to struggle with losing something i hold dear.

James 4:17 "So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin."

Don't really want to seem self-righteous or whatever cause I myself make mistakes and sin at times. Just don't understand why people can just shrug off important and serious things and take it like a joke.. I'm not saying that we should always take things seriously, but we ought to at least behave and act in a right manner at the right time, right? Like when things are supposed to be taken seriously, we should really try to rectify it instead of taking it for granted and shrugging it off? It's also somewhat a form of social responsibility and respect, no?

Mr Tan must be fuming now or something and idk why it seems as though we're all taking it as a joke. Well personally I'm worried cause he's a very good teacher and it's as though we're disrespecting him and taking him for granted. Well okay at least we stay in class and do work so that's a consolation I guess. Sigh I just feel so bad :/

Taking another case in consideration, I really don't know why people need to talk behind others' backs or mask their dislike and begrudge others.. Especially, in general, if someone judges another for being a hypocrite and acts as though they're okay with it.. Doesn't it make them hypocrites themselves? Like fine, if it's to avoid affecting dynamics and to refrain from conflicts then okay it's understandable to not confront or clear up anything with the other individual, but we ought to at least let each other know instead of holding it inside and building up this grudge and whatever right? It'll get ugly. I just hope all of us can work together with earnest and sincere outlooks instead of backstabbing and complaining to others (and acting like as though everything's fine in front of the person being complained about)..

Life's complicated enough and everyone's still complaining about it. Yet we all still continue judging / backstabbing / discriminating / bitching and all, making it even more complicated than it already is.

What's the point? :/

Nobody said it was easy / No one ever said it would be this hard

Today was alright, I guess. Had nightmares like crazy last night and semi-woke up with a headache, sigh. Mom thought I was being utterly irresponsible and purposely chose to be late so she was all dramatic like "where did the real nicole go, what did you do to her" kind of thing haha. So yeah she was raging and refused to send me to school so I ended up going myself on bus 12 and being almost an hour late.. Sigh.

Rest of the day was just mundane with 2H of math.. And sometimes I pity Mr Ong cause it's actually the subject itself that's mundane, not him. Think he feels rather down or helpless when it comes to our class.. Explains why he always tries to entertain us or make it more interesting for us. He's a good teacher, actually. :)

So after math it was econs test and to be really honest, the question was just rage-worthy. Was really annoyed by it ugh. But anyway I guess I've got more confidence for this test in a sense? I studied really really hard for it :(

Was supposed to go KFC with weishuen and yijun but went home with Eunice instead haha. Spending more time with her recently :) In a sense when you sort of drift from one, you get closer again to another, right?

Short post for now, gotta go have dinz and start on geog / bio. 30 more days till promos... :/

Days like today should exist more, really :)

Had a wonderful time with my Galen dears at Bugis today! Met Shihming and Sining at 9:32AM haha we were all supposed to reach around 9:15AM but i think Shihming was the only one who reached at that time.. Yanting and Xiaomin came at around 10 and we sat on the floor infront of Intercontinental likeaboss and like nomads hahaha (refer to my previous post for the inside joke). I missed these girls so much, and it's truly heartwarming to see that though things've changed and we've changed, we can still come together and be awkward together hehe.

Yuxuan was late hahaha this girl forever like this one. So we headed out to find Food For Thought with Yanting leading the way........................... Hehe kidding, we found the place and voila! 40mins waiting time. And for us (7 people), it was an hour waiting time omai :( The waitress passed me a namecard and told us "maybe next time you can book your seats 5 days in advance!" and I was just stunned hahaha wtheck 5 days in advance, that's madness! Sigh.

Wanted to head to Strictly Pancakes but realised that it only opens at 6PM on Mondays :( So.. there goes our pancake date out hahaha sigh it was really quite a joke haha. Headed back to Bugis+ (yuxuan finally reached when we were going up te escalator haha) and ended up eating at this Prata Palace place... well Indian pancakes count too right? -grins- So yep we ordered all the different types of prata and i guess whats truly the most important is the company you're with; no matter what kind of food we're having or place we're gathering at, the people whom you're around with will matter the most :)

Yanting and I sneaked out to "go to the toilet" (buy a birthday cake for Weiting's b'day celebration) and bought the CBTL Red Velvet cake hehe!! Brings back memories of Vally and my dear PW group mates who bought one for my b'day too :) But yeah anyway they had a candle but no lighter!! Yanting was super bent on borrowing a lighter from somewhere to make the cake complete, so we ended up asking this group of extremely friendly staff from Ireland's Potato which was next to the prata place! They were really extremely likeable and even gave us one of the cool balloons they had in the shop and incessantly wished us "happy birthday" and stuff :) Uber adorable, i love nice people! Hehe so we brought in the cake and started celebrating for Weiting! Photoz photoz hehe :)

                  

 

                  

Love these girls, it's been 5 years and counting :) We may not go out or talk as often but i guess i'm just grateful for having them in my life, and knowing that all of us would be able to just be ourselves when we're altogether, be it unglam or crazy or just plain awkward :) Xoxo <3

Haha so after the celebration and brunch we split into our specific mugging and going-to-meet-PW-groupmates plans and headed to wherever :)

Part two of this exceptionally fulfilling day was with my PW mates at my house haha :) Though we weren't exactly very productive, it was nevertheless a very fruitful and time well spent together, discussing about life, politics, adding points (inside joke), mocking each other (for entertainment's sake) and all. Really grateful for a cohesive and communicative PW group like mine :) Really happy to have y'all to work alongside for this dreadfully

So yeah, we talked about life and though I knew that my reputation hadn't been very fair toward who I truly was,  and that it tended more to the negative aspect, it set me thinking once again on how this world acts and reacts toward things and people who're seemingly different.

To be really honest, i find that this whole thing about acceptance of others' differences and being different, as a whole, is always being "glamorised" in a way, like this:
 

I mean, honestly, if differences and "you"ness was so celebrated, then why would there be all these prejudices / discrimination and gossiping existing right now? Moreover, I can be sort of classified as one who's different in Dunman High, and i often get judged and all for knowing alot of people / being over-friendly. Point is, if differences and everything was truly accepted, then why are people like the twins discriminated by alot of people who don't even know them? Or like whoever who goes out to party and stuff, why are they labelled? It's difficult to not judge, i agree, but why not just put in the small extra effort to get to know who / why and how the person's that way? Everyone has a story to tell and yeah, perhaps some people are just self-conceited or their character and personality flaws are just like that, but to judge one for their past / for being different is just wrong.

Truth is, i'm just sick of all this. I'm not trying to vicitimize myself, but truly, i'm just sick of getting judged and talked bad about behind my back. If one really knows me, i choose to look at the good side of people, to forgive and to accept. I may not be a saint, but i definitely conciously do my best not to judge. So to all those people who know of my existence and wonder why the heck i wave at you if i'm not your "friend", then all i have to say is that I treat everyone as my friend. If i know that we both know of each other's existence then i'd do my best to wave or just smile. Isn't that nicer and better than just looking awkwardly and not acknowledging? Idk. Haha.

I admit my twitter is like spammed with all my thoughts and rants and stuff. Yet again some people judge that and think i'm very scary to tell the whole world how i feel. I agree, and i'm trying to refrain from over-explicity and stuff. But isn't it true that the true scary ones are the people who hide their feelingsa and plot behind others' backs? Lol and here i am revealing all my thoughts and life to the world. But okay not everything, i must say.

Luke 6:37
Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven.

Okay i'm done haha. It is a good day, and i'm thankful :) Thankful for lasting friendships, thankful for good food, thankful for my PW groupmates that make life more interesting and allowing group sessions to be cohesive and everything :)

Will post again soon :)

1:28AM in the morning and i'm writing this. Ha. I know i'm not supposed to be doing this now, but i'm just so sick and tired of being upset or having negative thoughts at th end of the day. Its the kind of tiredness that sleep can't fix.

I just don't know how to make things better again. Or to make them understand how much i really want to do well and that i'm constantly improving already. I'm just at a loss of how to continue on with this, with this controlled, dictated lifestyle i have for many things. What i wear, how i talk, how i react, phone usage, friends i make, places i go and just, really. I'm tired. I may have accepted all this to a certain extent but i truly need my space too. I can't be told what to do or what not to do all the time, I need to make mistakes to learn from it.

I love my parents, really. And i know they love me too. But what they always fail to understand or let go is the fact that i've grown up from all the stupid things i've done in the past, from many of the mistakes and misdemeanours and that they're always in my consideration. No matter what decision i make, i'd take them/their opinion into consideration, be it buying anything that exceeds $20, where to study, where to go, what to do. Maybe it's cause of my compliance and obedience reinforcing upon them that's making them unable to give me more freedom, but it's the right thing to do, isn't it? Idk. Many a time people just tell me not to care but i can't. No matter whether it's parents, friends or anyone in my life, i can't just say "I don't care". Perhaps that'd be my downfall but to be really honest, i'm happy with who i am that way. No matter how much they may put me down at times, i'd never not care or just turn away from them. I'm just really hoping how much effort i'm putting in to let them change their mindset about me, to allow them to finally let go and forgive me for the rebelliousness and mistakes i've made in the past.

Truly grateful for the better days, the calmer times and the times where my efforts into changing is appreciated and acknowledged by them. They truly mean alot to me and their opinion and acknowledgement brings me the most joy - it makes me feel as though I finally made the people i love, happy. So yes, i'm a teenager, an adolescent and probably a person difficult to control. But i'm also an individual who's gone through many failures, many setbacks and many criticisms/judgements. Having all this undoubtedly made me a better and more resilient person, and it made me stronger in many ways. All i'm hoping for right now at this very instance is the acceptance and agreement to let me make my own choices and face my own consequences and to finally take charge of my life to a greater extent.

Maturity comes with experience, and i need the experience to set my own life, to change my own life. Self control undeniably needs self discipline, which comes from resisting temptations and being firm to doing the right thing. But by taking my phone away and enforcing the rule of having to "surrender" my phone to my parents room at night - yes, perhaps that level of self-discipline is inculcated, but what about the self-control? I'm confident that i can resist using it or touching it when i'm supposed to be sleeping / cross a certain time. It's this trust - or should i say, distrust - that shakes me and makes me feel really upset from time to time.

It's getting late and i'm actually feeling better ha writing helps. Whatever it is i'll fight on and continue to prove myself to myself and my parents and the world. I won't and don't want to let them down again. I really don't.

Sometimes i may not seem strong, but it doesn't mean that i'm weak.

Horrid number of people at Paya now, can't even get onto the trains ugh. Didn't get to go for choir in the end cuz it's the start of seventh month.. -inserts exasperated face- so yeah studied econs in the freezing cold library till my laptop ran outta batt.

Currently being squished on board the train now it's really packed like sardines wtheck. CAN'T BREATHE PROPERLY D: Hate going home during peak hours. Hate going home alone ):

Anyway I got back my econs case study test just now and ugh it was just disgusting, I've had enough of failing.. And the most annoying thing was that the question I had the most confidence and spent the longest time on earned me a meagre 1 out of 6 points just cause I didn't refer to the extracts given (not like I knew, it'd have been easier if I didn't have to think of my own real life examples ugh ironic). Just look at this man, it's so annoying I can't tank. ): All my time and effort for one bloody mark. Okay peeved now, shall not write more >:(

Sigh. So tired, and i really think that this statement is extremely highly utilized by everyone nowadays. Amazing thing's that even though we're all so tired, most of us still continue with life, continue fighting our demons resiliently. :) Jiayou everyone, we'll all be okay, eventually.

Today was a whole whirlwind of laughter / fun / joy / stupidity / lethargy :/ 

Softball was fun, though being the catcher was just gross cause of the helmet haha. After PE we started on our "scheme" to surprise Mr Ong for his birthday!! It was super pretty hehe and the waffle stack "cake" idea worked out well, together with the pretty zocards that we stringed up!! Photoz photoz hehehe i'll repost later with the photoz :) 

But anyway after that was just a boring hour of Mclaurin's before Econs lecture which was so super mouth-gaping and exasperating when it came to LHT's turn to lecture. As in okay fine, she has her own style and perhaps we can't really judge or what, but wth this is an econs lecture, and she came up with a point saying that the limitation of legislation for compulsory primary education is that some of the people in Singapore are extremely poor and some are nomadic (?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!), having no fixed placed to stay and hence having no reason or thought to even enter their children in education. LT1 really erupted into laughter and she still put a straight pouty face telling us it's not funny. To be honest i'd applaud her if she was trying to joke with us but she was serious. SHE WAS BEING SERIOUS ABOUT POOR, NOMADIC SINGAPOREANS. WHAT. IN. THE. WORLD. Such exasperation, seriously. Even Ms B Goh was seemingly exasperated. 

Waiting to meet the rest of the choir batchmates with Bryan and Claire in 5C11 now, so tired and i'm hearing JH choir sing now, there're some nice parts :) Kay bye, post later or something.

I don't know your thoughts these days / We're strangers in an empty space
I don't understand your heart / It's easier to be apart

We hadn't had a proper conversation in such a long long while that I've almost forgot the sound of your voice. It's ironic how we're kind of drifting apart just because of my personal beliefs that i should "stay away", and also because of the things others' say. But fact is that I really miss you. Not in the romantic, cheesy "let's stay together forever" kind of way, but in the sense that i miss your presence, and i miss talking to you about everything and anything without having to consider all these other factors. I miss my best friend.



Through it all i guess things change and i'd have to really find ways to channel my thoughts and energy into my priorities now - i've gotta get my grades right once and for all, anyway. It's just kind of sad to realise that everything changes and challenges to friendships you treasure and cherish the most would surface, making you doubt the strength and meaning behind them. I really don't want thoughts of reconsideration to float in my mind ever again. It haunts me.

It's not really about how much two people meet up or talk to determine how close they are, and its always said that as long as these best friends are there for each other in times of need or comfort then it's good enough. But what if we can't even communicate our problems anymore? For now it's more of a i'm-not-sure-if-she-really-doesn't-like-me-so-i'll-just-keep-my-distance for one and i-don't-want-to-be-an-added-burden-to-his-upcoming-hectic-Alvl-prep-life for the other kind of thing. It's just tiring and vexing when all i'm thinking now is how long would this last before break-point? Perhaps i'm over-thinking this but who wouldn't, really. It's as though this friendship that i invested so much effort and soul into is about to come to a close or something. And it's as though i'm about to lose something i care so much about and hold dearly.

I guess i just got used to it. Used to having someone there for me through anything and everything that happens. And when you get used to things you'd get expectations - and as they all say, the higher the expectations, the larger the disappointment too. I won't deny that i'm probably at fault by distancing myself; but believe me, i tried to let go of these stupid i-shall-not-be-a-burden kind of value systems. It didn't work. Precisely the reason why i'm feeling rather vexed now.
I'm still trying, though. Trying to care and not completely lose touch of this friendship which i cherish so damned much. And it just doesn't feel good to realize that i may truly just lose this. It wouldn't be the same, but i'm just hoping that it wouldn't become awkward or overly distant. May the faith i have in this friendship being resolute and strong bring me through this dreadful period. And i hope it'd truly be strong enough.
I can't afford to let that happen, to let yet another amazing friendship just slip through my fingers. It'd hurt, and i'd hurt too much; it'd be too much for me to bear.

 So yes, i miss my best friend. And i'm trying really hard not to let it affect me too much.

Long and dreary day in school, can't wait till this week ends. Geog test was utterly stupid - they told us to cover from 1 to 2.3 and they ended up only testing things solely from 2.2. Stupid stupid stupid. But I guess it was okay so I'm just crossing fingers that the grades'll be alright.

It's gym now and everyone's just fooling around and having fun. :) So tired though, sigh. And we still have H1 after this. Plus I've got piano and dinner with family, no time for a lil nap at all :( Yeah okay whatever, shall end off this post with photo of them in gym!!

And out of all these things I've done / I think I love you better now

Feeling rather insecure for Geography now (and yet i'm ironically here); I've been studying for this for a while now, having a rather productive session in school doing up essay plans. Shall wake earlier tomorrow morning and continue from there.

Hadn't felt proud of myself in any way for a while now, not since I did up Deon's big birthday present and stuff, but that aside, it's been just lows for academics and achievements for me.

It was an amazing experience for me compiling this and truly, i've got no regrets about it. I just wish some conversations / arguments / thoughts hadn't arised but it did, so i guess i can only take it in my stride.

Aunty Ivy and the 4Js were back for a while :) So along with Aunty Siewyan and Jen we all went to the Zoo hahaha :) It was really fun and relaxing, i missed these kind of days where it was just complete liberation from all the stress and madness of reality to get up close with nature and good company :)

               
Really enjoyable day hurhur. Can't wait till i go visit them in London again, oh how i missed that beautiful and wonderful city with all the amazing architecture and medieval buildings :)

Shall end off this horribly short post here, will post again soon :) Goodnight :)

It's so hard to say that I'm sorry / I'll make everything alright / All these things that I've done
Now what have I become, and where'd I go wrong? / I don't mean to hurt, just to put you first

New blog / New thoughts / New feelings / Same life
It's been a crazy few months and i've realized no matter how much time i "wasted" on blogging in the past, it was a true form of release for tension, thoughts and cooped up feelings. So yes, it's been crazy, really. So many wrong decisions, so much disappointments, so many surprises, setbacks, efforts wasted, smiles, tears and it'd been just a whirlpool of what seemed like such an incredibly long time.

To be honest, i'm extremely consoled that i'm seeing better days - recent happenings and events hadn't been nerve-wrecking and all-so-disappointing. NDP / Zoo / Gardens By The Bay with family was truly amazing and it was time well spent. With all the madness in the past few months, i just really need normalcy in life again. And perhaps i'm keeping my toes on the ground now.

Back to Geography, won't want to disappoint myself in tomorrow's test, would i?
Be right back.