"I Still Think About You"

Though a huge part of our largely-silent, post-dating acquaintanceship is based on the idea that neither of us have any interest in the other — that whatever happened between us is something entirely left in the past to wither and rot — I still think of you. I am not sure if that makes me the weak one in the equation (though I’m alright with it if I am), it’s just that the silence that is expected after separations seems too simple and, to be honest, too cruel. It’s as though a breakup of any kind means that whatever existed before is now somehow erased from the mutual history of both partners, never to be acknowledged again — and that just feels ridiculous.

And saying that I miss you wouldn’t quite be the right term, either, though I know that admitting you still think of someone you used to love immediately conjures up images of someone sitting alone in their room, listening to Death Cab or something equally emotional, and crying. I’m not crying. It’s just that, when I see photos of you or hear through the grapevine of something that you’ve been up to, I wish that reaching out to you wouldn’t be such an inappropriate step. In fact, it’s the whole “this requires a long, drawn-out explanation of why we’re talking again” thing that really confuses me — am I not allowed to ever consider your existence again? In almost every other aspect of my life, keeping tabs on things and remembering what was good is something to be praised, something that makes you an adult. Somehow, this is the exception.

What have you been doing? Are you happy in your life? The things that you always talked about doing as we lay together in bed, looking at the ceiling in that kind of dreamy, half-asleep lull of honesty — are you doing them? I want to know what you’ve been up to, I am genuinely interested about the turns your life has taken and the people you are now choosing to spend it with. Perhaps it would be inappropriate to ask, but who are you dating now? Do you like her? Do you love her? I know it must sound strange, but I have a hard time picturing even the concept of love involving you and someone else. When you create such love with someone, as you do in a relationship of a certain magnitude, the entire word “love” seems to belong to you and you alone. If you have chosen to share it with someone else, do you mean it?

Do you think about me? I know, it’s selfish, it’s childish. Nothing screams “immaturity” like wanting to catch up with someone only to shortly thereafter find out exactly what percentage of their life has to do with you still, but I’m curious. As much as I genuinely find myself thinking of what your life must consist of, it would be comforting to think that you have the same moments of reflection about me. Tell me that something as great as we were sort of echoes through the rest of your life, occasionally tapping you on the shoulder to remind you of a past that you so clearly left behind. Tell me, because the world would seem a bit too cold if it didn’t.

I have thought so many times about the implications of contacting you, of telling you simply that you’ve been on my mind, and waiting for the repercussions to permeate through the twisted groups of our mutual friends. It seems almost an exercise in masochism, the unbridled exposure of one’s heart with the expectation that, at best, the other won’t actively humiliate you. Don’t humiliate me. This isn’t some white flag with the implication that “you won” some unspoken competition — I would hope that our time spent apart has moved us past the petty distinctions of “who is happy” and “who is sad.” I would hope that we have both become happy enough in our own lives, and on our own terms, that joy is not something that has to be divided up amongst us. I want us to both be equally in love with our own chosen paths.

Yes, I am still curious. I wonder what has happened to you since I last saw you, touched you, whispered something in your ear. I wish that getting coffee and catching up like old friends was something acceptable for the two of us to do, and not something that came with a million implications about how desperate the initiating party must be. But, in the interest of honesty, I do wonder. I guess I’d like to know that your life has gone as well as I had once hoped it might, and that what you have become is something that you can sit with at the end of the day and be proud of. I knew you were meant for great things, and I want you to achieve them (even if I may have experienced a moment or two of selfish jealousy in the midst of our separation). You deserve so many great things, not the least of which is my honesty.

I still think about you, do you think about me?

- Thought Catalog, http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/i-still-think-about-you/

All i can do

"Nicole, are you okay?"

I nod.

 

Am I, really?

 

Most days I am, I guess. Studying, being with friends, more studying. But then something as small and as insignificant as a song, a tweet, a picture, a place, or even seeing you online on Whatsapp and Facebook once in a while; and I'm back to square one. Back to wondering how you are, back to having that extreme urge to call you, to text you, to catch a glimpse of you.

I hurt you, I know. And i'm really sorry about that.
But you're moving on, you're "A Little Bit Stronger", like what you tweeted.

I'm not.

Honestly, I don't know why either. They always say it's the one who initiates the breakup that hurts less, the one that loves less, the one that cares less.

Lies.

Yeah, perhaps, you really did love me a lot, and I broke your heart.
But does that mean that I'm heartless? That I don't care? That you're the only one hurting?

E v e r y t h i n g  reminds me of you.

But what can i do?
You're moving on, living and enjoying your university life.
And as much as i actually am truly happy for you,
I miss you.

But I guess that's all i can do, isn't it?

Chin up, beautiful

生活不容易过，忙忙碌碌挫折很多。

但是不管生活上发生多少不好的事情都是为了要让你变成一个更加坚强的人。

所以，不要放弃生活，不要放弃梦想，也不要小看自己的工作小看自己。

让自己的生命去影响别人的生命让整个世界变得更加的美好！

还有，不要错过任何一个拥抱，不要吝啬说声 “加油”!
 

This has never been more applicable; the road to As has only a short runway of 97 days left and the pressure's definitely on. I've really hit rock bottom this time and time's running out - but this ain't gonna stop me from giving it my all till the end. Whatever it is, I've endured and gone through six years of this, and i'm not going to let it go to waste nor let anyone down, anymore. 

But before I go on my long blog hiatus for my exam preparation in these 97 days, I just really wanna take a pause and dedicate this post to all of you out there.

_____________________________________________________________________

 

Dear you,

It's been such an arduous and stressful journey, hasn't it? All the hard work, all the sacrifices and all the time spent. I hope things have been going well for you.

If you're having good grades and balancing life well, I'm truly happy for you - keep it up, and keep going because you know you can do it :) Shine bright, and don't forget to reward yourself.

On the other hand, if you're feeling down, feeling useless, worthless, or even on the brink of giving up; I just want to let you know that you're not alone, and that it's okay to feel this way at times. You could be breaking down, feeling as though things aren't gonna get better, or even not finding any hope or meaning anymore, but just know this: you are loved, and you are better and stronger than you think. No matter how much it hurts now, just know that you'll get through, and that one day you'll look back and realise that this has made your life more fulfilling and meaningful.

Find something to fight for - be it yourself, your family, your friends, your teachers, or even just for the sake of life - but remember never to lose yourself in the process. Who you are will shine from within; it'll shine brighter than any certificate or testimonial that you may get or have gotten. This may sound a little cliché, but truthfully, what defines us is not our failures nor our brokenness. It's the way you pick yourself up despite how hard things are, the little acts of kindness or kind words you've bestowed upon people, and it's so much more than any bad feelings about yourself or about life that you may have now.

It's a tough period, but it won't be forever. You've already gone through these many years in your life, and this ain't going to break you. But even if it does, it's not permanent. Know that you have the capability to mend yourself and pick yourself up - with a little help from the people in your life, of course - so start, because it's up to you to find beauty in the ugliest of days, and because

 

You matter.

And remember, even if you feel as though the world has turned their back on you, you're definitely not alone, and not unimportant. The feeling of loneliness comes from within you, and no one is ever truly alone in this world. All you have to do is to step out again, or let people come back into your life. (Pst, by the way, just to let you know; no matter who you are, or whether we've met - just know that I care, I empathise, and that you've got a friend in me!)

Whatever may come your way, jiayou, and hang in there! You're beautiful, you're amazing, and you're worth so much more than you think. Chin up, cause you deserve it!

Love,

Me

不要错过任何一个拥抱，不要吝啬说声 “加油”!

志在四方 just came to a close and it's truly been a joy and an inspiration watching this show omg i can't believe it's ended already. Definitely makes it to the top of my list of favourite Mediacorp dramas of all time. QYW's performance really really stood out cuz he was just so extremely natural with the goofy smiles and all, so unlike his previous style. Okay tbh everyone in that show really gave a stellar performance, kudos kudos kudos!

Anyway a long post coming up before my hiatus till the end of the long awaited A levels; stay tuned!