I don't understand why all of this has to be so hard.

1. What i want is not what i should have
2. I'm at a loss of what to say
3. I just don't know what to do to make things right

So frustrated right now..

I'd admit, i'm just the same as i was / Now don't you understand / I'm never changing who I am

Heya :)
Haven't posted in awhile and i've got two long drafts awaiting publishing. Just thought i'd 'pen down' my thoughts for today before i forget / lose the inspiration for it. But first and foremost, HAPPY 2013, MAY IT BE A BLESSED ONE!!! Okay back to topic. Today was a generally good day; had the final orientation dry run and i reckon it'd be real fun if we're gonna be hyped on those days :) Not gonna post any spoilerzzz -grins-! Headed on to McDonald's with Jan and Val, and i misplaced my wallet like HOLEY BALONEY. Thank the heavens they found it in the hall hahaha T_T

Met up with Eric thereafter for dinner at Raffles City and we had a rather endless conversation (which was heartening) and i really must say that out of all my close friends and best friends, he's really the one who knows me best. Or you could also say that he was the one who knows how to phrase my beliefs and thoughts best :) So yep, the 2 hour dinner and catch up really made me reflect, think, reevaluate and realign some of my existing beliefs, making me think once more as well about something i've always thought about: which side of me, exactly, is my true self?

Many would/may think that i'm seriously overfriendly, especially in my DHS community cause it's not exactly normal to be really sociable out of the community and all; and from all the feedback, the first impression i give to people is probably described through words like "attention seeking"/"wannabe"/"trying too hard" and what nots. But i'm really taking pride in the fact that these opinions of me change after they really and truly get to know me. (So please, don't be too quick to judge all the time) Anyway because of this fact, it's true that i've got lots of friends (taking into account that i treat every single person whom i've had a meeting / outing / conversation with as a friend), and it comes as both a good and bad thing i guess. Too many friends would only mean that i've got to split my time more for each of them and that i'd have more opinions/feelings/thoughts/requests to fulfill and take into consideration (seeing that i've got this extremely self-harming habit and inclination to care about everything + to please everyone to the best of my ability). It gets really tiring and sometimes, this "fluttering around" the different groups of friends i have makes me feel like i don't truly belong to any clique, firmly. I've got true good friends whom i know i can count on, but the feeling's different cause i don't feel as though there's a specific group that i'd be inclined to depending on... Hah but like i said, i don't even know which is my true self, so to speak.

Whatever it is, i got reminded today that despite of the fact that personality/belief isn't bad or anything, it's rather unsustainable. Altruism can only bring a person that far; and though i believe that nothing is truly certain and that comfort zones can be stretched to match the needs of different friends and people in my life, i'm already rethinking on whether i'd really be able to live with juggling so many persectives and needs, seeing that this year's a really crucial one with 'A's coming up in just a few months.

And on a side note, i really need to be more certain of myself and stop holding back good things that are happening in my life. Aaaah okay bye, this was a rather messily structured + rambly post :( G'night and sweet dreams! Will update about Dec + review on 2012 soon! x

And you ask me what I want this year / I try to make this kind and clear / Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

HAAAAAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!

A year has passed and 2012 truly went by really quickly. It's been an eventful year with surprises, disappointments, happiness, sorrow, new friendships, partings; all the ups and downs that defined this year truly made me learn, made me appreciate and made me feel more fulfilled than ever. 2012's been a year that i've realized so much about how much we should appreciate every single moment, Looking forward to the 2013 that we've already entered (at least in some timezones), I really hope for consistency and strength to go through this stressful year approaching 'A's, and also wish from the bottom of my heart that family, friends and loved ones would be blessed with good health and joy. Have a really blessed 2013 everyone, ☺❤

Will post on a review of 2012 soon! x