Just so you know

All these years I thought that being heartbroken / rejected was the worst feeling ever. It wasn't until now that I realise how wrong I was. Breaking someone else's heart is more unbearable than anything I've ever felt. Everyone's been asking me if i'm okay / telling me not to be sad / asking how they can help. Thank you peeps, but I guess it's really something I've got to go through myself. Despite the sleepless nights, despite the tears that fall out from nowhere - I am healing and I will heal. (And so will you, I promise. And this song is so apt. I'm so glad you found it. Thank you.)

 

Just so you know, I care, and I always will. And if it's meant to be, things will work out in the end. Just not now.

Thank you x

Dear you,

I don't know when you'll read this or if you'd even read it at all; but I guess I want to just let you know how thankful I am. I've grown up thinking that I'd probably always be the one who loved more, one who'd be chasing after guys to no avail and one only suited to be a guy's best friend and nothing more. And I believed it, till I got together with you.

I'm so thankful. Thankful for these 3+ months of care and concern. Thankful for having you around in my life. Thankful for your affection, your sincerity and your patience. Thankful for all the things you've done for me, be it big or small gestures and actions. Thankful for the relentless good morning and good night texts. Thankful, most of all, for your love.

My biggest regret would be breaking your heart. But like I told you, i'd rather break it now than to shred it later. You will heal, and you will learn to love again. And so will I. Just wanna let you know that you're not alone, and you never will be. I will always care and i'm sure the friends around you love and care for you loads too. Take care of yourself, alright?

This is hard for me too, trust me, its not easy when tears start coming down my face out of nowhere. But at the end of the day I have to be strong and I had to be strong (especially in front of you) because I know that this is what would be best for you. You'll find someone so much more deserving of your love and attention, for your perfection and purity in the true love that you give. 

You'll always have a place in my heart.

Love,

Me

My life is a fucking drama serial. I've had enough.

Less

"I’ve been there. We all have. This is what happens. Maybe you used to love them or you just don’t yet, even though you want to, even though you’re trying. Some people call that commitment phobia or being selfish, but you’re not afraid of commitment. In fact, it’s exactly the opposite. You long for the idea of spending your life with someone, finding that one person you can give yourself to and someone you can grow old with. You can’t wait to be old with someone. You aren’t afraid, you’re just careful about who you give your heart away to and what words like “I love you” and “Forever” mean. You want to mean them when you say them, and you’ve known too many people who throw those words around carelessly. So, you are guarded about who you love and give your words away to. / You can feel bad about this, and in certain cases, you should. It’s easy to unintentionally take advantage of a person who loves you, someone who looks into your eyes with undying devotion." - Thought Catalog

(What am I to do now?)

Knowing

 "If you tell me unrequited love is hard, then why can't you
accept the love from someone who's so willing to give it to you?"
 

 

At times we know

What we want

What we yearn for

And what exactly we need

 

At times we yearn for

Things we don't have

Things we might get

And things everyone else wants

 

But sometimes when you

Get what you want

You realise

It's not really what you wanted

 

Perhaps it was,

Before

But not now

And probably not the future

 

But

The future is uncertain, anyway

So how would we even

Know?

 

/

 

Search your heart and

Ask that little voice inside of you

For at the end of the day

You'd probably know best

 

(I really don't know what will make me happy/unhappy now, and what I want from all this.
Either way, I foresee myself having regrets.)

x

"I guess love is a funny thing, the way it fades without warning;
it doesn't asked to be excused and when it's gone, oh it's gone."

Fragile

Life, relationships, friendships, self.

It's quite difficult to believe in these things at times, seeing out fragile and short lived they can be at times. It scares me how much things can change so quickly and so drastically between people and i'm just praying that all the rest of the lovely couples i know will stay together because i really really really hope to believe in lasting love and commitment. And I guess it's making me feel very guilty now because i can really feel the imbalance and toil of my own relationship, and it's with me starring as the bad guy. I don't know how much of my trust and faith in his intentions and all is considerable, but i know his understanding, love, commitment, dedication, care and support is so immense and i can never match up to it. I reckon he's really many girls' dream kind of boyfriend with all the sweet texts and endearing support. Tumblr worthy, in fact.

I'm busy, i'm weary, i'm tired. And i don't know what to do with all this anymore so i'm just going to let it be and see what life has in store for me. Maybe it's just cause i haven't seen him in awhile and that i miss him. Or maybe it's cause feelings fade. Whatever it is i'm hanging on because i don't ever want to have any regrets. I'm just so confused now.

I can't

"I can't love you. I can’t love you because you adore me too much. Every time I wish for you to stop flattering me, to stop agreeing with me on every little thing, to stop doing every completely nonsensical thing I ask of you, it makes me feel sick, ungrateful and mean. You’re wonderful for thinking I’m wonderful, but I can’t love you because you don’t love me for my flaws—you love me in spite of them. You don’t see me for what I am—the ugly, pungent parts of my guts. You can’t and don’t want to tear these parts out of me while I scream. I can’t love you because you won’t defy me, because you won’t fight me when I’m wrong. I can’t love you because you don’t stand eye to eye with me and challenge me, demand of me, to be a better person. I can’t love you because it’s too hard and I’m too busy. I’m so busy all the time. I keep trying to convince myself that you’re just not right for me but half the problem is I simply don’t have the time for you. I can’t love you because I’m scared. Because I’ve been broken hearted and I know the pain of losing something I love all too well. I don’t have another heartbreak in me, and sometimes when I look at you I imagine myself as a younger girl and I know I would have ridden into the sunset with you, had you asked, even if you were entirely wrong for me. I can’t love you because I’m so tired of love; its commitments and risks. I can’t love you because I don’t know if you’re worth the commitment or the risk and I’m not willing to find out the hard way, although I sincerely hope that one day I will be." - Thought Catalog

I can’t love you the way you love me, and sometimes I’m afraid that makes me a bad person.
I guess i do love you, but i'm just so confused as to what i'm supposed to do now.

Like entries on diaries,

To-dos on schedulers,

Photographs in albums

And the words sprawled across your favourite book

Like the wit in conversations,

Harmonies in songs,

Chords on a guitar

And those lyrics that haunt you

 

Like the breeze at sea,

Sunrise and sunsets,

Fjords and mountains

And walks on the beaches

 

Like electric currents,

City lights in the night,

Fireworks

And static that runs through your veins

 

That's what love should be.

Breathtaking, passionate, and yet,
Enduring.

 

/