-

On a side note, just rewatched the finale of Glee Season 3 and sobbed like crazy.

RIP Cory Monteith, you've been a true inspiration. No amount of words can describe the way you've impacted so many of us fans through being Finn and through being yourself, and we pray that Lea's alright.. The heavens have gained another talented angel. Fly high, and I hope you're happy up there.

Strengthened

Got back my results today and I've gotta admit that despite gearing up for the worst, it was disappointing and it hurt quite a lot. Won't be shy about it and I'd admit that

1) I had limited time in revision and studying
2) The above shouldn't have been / shouldn't be an excuse
3) I have since hit rock bottom, but I know that from now I can only go up.

Earned for myself a bunch of Useless Us (yes, rhyme intended) along with a nice C for my GP, which sums up my grades to be CUUUU and I can actually really say "C UUUU (again next year dhs)" if I continue on like this.

But i will not.

Very very thankful for the encouragements I've got today :)
@junjiee_: "Jiayou -inserts biceps emoji-"
@amandaaaalee: "press on! just don't give up :)"
@alleenyeoh: "hello. jiayou on become an As-s student"
Not to forget classmates' encouragements, Eunice's nagging and spurring me to study + Eric's call and insistence to help me get through all this. Eric's was especially funny cuz he understood me so well to the extent that one of the first things he told me was "I don't wanna know your grades, I wanna know how your parents reacted cuz their reaction would affect yours". Not to mention that he's now gonna devote some hours from his weekend bookouts to sit by my side while i'm studying to help me sharpen my exam skills.. Like seriously, i can never be more thankful.

So from here, let's move on, and move up. Cuz when you've hit rock bottom, the only way is up :)

I don't know

"Tell us what we did wrong"

"Did we not give you enough"
"Maybe its our fault that..."
"Maybe we're just bad parents who don't know how to encourage you"
"No, I-"
"What happened to you"
"Why are you like this"
"Having no self confidence is like self destruction"
"Did your boyfriend do something wrong to you"
"Did some guy say something to trigger all this"
"How have we not provided you with all you need"
"I'm getting impatient"
"I have to face the music with your teachers for bringing you to Europe"
"What you do want from us"
"Your family is not even broken or anything"
"Do you want to quit school"
"Is there something we done wrong"
"Be true to yourself"
"But I-"
"The results at the end of the day will show how much you put in"
"Is it that you don't want to study anymore"
"If you want to sing just tell me"
"We can provide for you"
"We are so confident, why are you like this"
"The past six years you've been disappointing us, are you going to do it again"
"The end result will show"
"Why aren't you communicating with us"
"All i want is a B"
"You see, I-"
"Attitude problem will ruin your life"
"If you're happy, i'm happy"
"I have to fly off with a heavy heart and its very much because of you"
"Don't be a bloody burden to me"
"Bloody piece of shit"

Because i don't know. I don't know what i want. I don't know what i can achieve. I don't know if anything good would happen to me. I don't know if i have a future. I don't know if i can do it. I don't know if my efforts will pay off at the end of the day. I don't know if i'm going to live up to your expectations. I don't know if i can live with myself not doing well. I don't know if i will be disappointed again. I don't know if i'd disappoint you again. I don't know if i'm enough. I don't know what's my best anymore. I don't know what it feels like to do well anymore. I don't know what to do. And most of all, I don't know how to love myself and believe in myself. I really don't.

 

It's enough how much my mind fights against itself, how i feel as though i'm bipolar on the inside. I really don't need anymore implants of negativity into myself. I'm broken enough. I'm so tired. My head is pounding. I feel as though my tear glands are dried out.

And i really have to get these wayward thoughts that i have now out of my head. But then again maybe doing crazy things for once without consideration will fix my life and put things into perspective.

I don't know.

Hope

Today was actually one of the best days I've had in a really really long time. Spent the morning clarifying my math paper after contacting Mr Sim to schedule a session, moved on to the Geog paper which was meh but it's okay because I know what I need to work on. Had dinner with Christina and Eunice at Parkway and subsequently getting a random act of kindness back at Tampines on my way home. And people started contacting me, asking me out, and turns out i'm actually remembered by my friends from way back, too.

But most of all I think the best thing was that I knew. I knew what was going on, I knew that i had something on, I knew that i had something to look forward to. Because when you know what you want, and you know that you've something to look forward to, you start to hope.

And to have hope is one of the most intrinsically powerful things in this world.

How

What's life?
Why do we live?
What do we live for?

Heck, who knows.

And yet why do so many people out there just carry on with the incessant drone of life, living with the flow, living because that's the only thing we can do? Lol, that's existing, not living.

Yeah, i'm disillusioned, troubled, uncertain and horrifically petrified at what's gonna come because I can't imagine a thing. I don't imagine myself going anywhere, doing anything, getting together with anyone, having any car or house or hdb or attic or whatever. It's funny because I really don't, and can't imagine myself having any future at all in any aspect. I may say I aim to be a teacher in Northlight to help those truly in need, or to study Psychology at Yale-NUS just because. But heck, no, all my head says is "I can't I can't I can't" and it's been hard fighting back at it.

Who the heck was I to even coach all those kids and tell them "believe in yourself and love yourself because you're worth it and because there's so much to live for" when I don't even have a damned ounce of self-belief to even speak of. It's as though I don't see a reason in giving a shit about myself.

Numb, empty, blank.

I don't even know what's happening. My parents went berserk over my lack of drive and my hopeless self and I guess i'm ok now because it pains me to see them sad.

"What happened?"
I don't even know how to answer that. It's as though things just dawned on me that I didn't see a point in striving for anything or achieving anything anymore. We're a speck, heck no we're even less than a speck in this vast universe so at the end of the day you're nobody anyway.

Lol did I just type that.

Anyway I guess i'll be ok, or I am okay. I just got to figure out what I want for myself and who I want to be. Cause in the end its up to you to love yourself, everyone's ultimately alone anyway. Love yourself, believe in yourself, have faith in yourself.

And i'm just doing my best to figure out: how?

First paper gone today. I don't know how to feel. It's as though I knew how to do it but the yapping voices in my head just kept telling me it's no use. And what's the point anyway? Why should I be successful? Why do I need to get good grades for As? Why do I need to live a good life, or even live?

Math tuition was just over and Mr Sim just told me to have faith. The moment he stepped out of my house I broke down. Have faith in what? My abilities? The fact that I may or may not even do well? I don't even see a point in doing well anymore.

I've been living for others. Wanting to get good grades cause I owe it to my parents, my family, my teachers and friends who put in the effort to guide me and encourage me. Wanting to do good for others just because I think they're worth the effort. Smiling because I know the people around me would notice if I didn't. Breathing because I owe it to my parents who gave me life.

And fact is, who am i? I'm just a speck in the world, i'm no Nelson Mandela nor Mother Teresa, and so what if i made a difference? I have no bloody motivation and nothing to fight for.

Because who am I to think that I'm important?