I just don't know how to make things better again. Or to make them understand how much i really want to do well and that i'm constantly improving already. I'm just at a loss of how to continue on with this, with this controlled, dictated lifestyle i have for many things. What i wear, how i talk, how i react, phone usage, friends i make, places i go and just, really. I'm tired. I may have accepted all this to a certain extent but i truly need my space too. I can't be told what to do or what not to do all the time, I need to make mistakes to learn from it.
I love my parents, really. And i know they love me too. But what they always fail to understand or let go is the fact that i've grown up from all the stupid things i've done in the past, from many of the mistakes and misdemeanours and that they're always in my consideration. No matter what decision i make, i'd take them/their opinion into consideration, be it buying anything that exceeds $20, where to study, where to go, what to do. Maybe it's cause of my compliance and obedience reinforcing upon them that's making them unable to give me more freedom, but it's the right thing to do, isn't it? Idk. Many a time people just tell me not to care but i can't. No matter whether it's parents, friends or anyone in my life, i can't just say "I don't care". Perhaps that'd be my downfall but to be really honest, i'm happy with who i am that way. No matter how much they may put me down at times, i'd never not care or just turn away from them. I'm just really hoping how much effort i'm putting in to let them change their mindset about me, to allow them to finally let go and forgive me for the rebelliousness and mistakes i've made in the past.
Truly grateful for the better days, the calmer times and the times where my efforts into changing is appreciated and acknowledged by them. They truly mean alot to me and their opinion and acknowledgement brings me the most joy - it makes me feel as though I finally made the people i love, happy. So yes, i'm a teenager, an adolescent and probably a person difficult to control. But i'm also an individual who's gone through many failures, many setbacks and many criticisms/judgements. Having all this undoubtedly made me a better and more resilient person, and it made me stronger in many ways. All i'm hoping for right now at this very instance is the acceptance and agreement to let me make my own choices and face my own consequences and to finally take charge of my life to a greater extent.
Maturity comes with experience, and i need the experience to set my own life, to change my own life. Self control undeniably needs self discipline, which comes from resisting temptations and being firm to doing the right thing. But by taking my phone away and enforcing the rule of having to "surrender" my phone to my parents room at night - yes, perhaps that level of self-discipline is inculcated, but what about the self-control? I'm confident that i can resist using it or touching it when i'm supposed to be sleeping / cross a certain time. It's this trust - or should i say, distrust - that shakes me and makes me feel really upset from time to time.
It's getting late and i'm actually feeling better ha writing helps. Whatever it is i'll fight on and continue to prove myself to myself and my parents and the world. I won't and don't want to let them down again. I really don't.
Sometimes i may not seem strong, but it doesn't mean that i'm weak.
I love my parents, really. And i know they love me too. But what they always fail to understand or let go is the fact that i've grown up from all the stupid things i've done in the past, from many of the mistakes and misdemeanours and that they're always in my consideration. No matter what decision i make, i'd take them/their opinion into consideration, be it buying anything that exceeds $20, where to study, where to go, what to do. Maybe it's cause of my compliance and obedience reinforcing upon them that's making them unable to give me more freedom, but it's the right thing to do, isn't it? Idk. Many a time people just tell me not to care but i can't. No matter whether it's parents, friends or anyone in my life, i can't just say "I don't care". Perhaps that'd be my downfall but to be really honest, i'm happy with who i am that way. No matter how much they may put me down at times, i'd never not care or just turn away from them. I'm just really hoping how much effort i'm putting in to let them change their mindset about me, to allow them to finally let go and forgive me for the rebelliousness and mistakes i've made in the past.
Truly grateful for the better days, the calmer times and the times where my efforts into changing is appreciated and acknowledged by them. They truly mean alot to me and their opinion and acknowledgement brings me the most joy - it makes me feel as though I finally made the people i love, happy. So yes, i'm a teenager, an adolescent and probably a person difficult to control. But i'm also an individual who's gone through many failures, many setbacks and many criticisms/judgements. Having all this undoubtedly made me a better and more resilient person, and it made me stronger in many ways. All i'm hoping for right now at this very instance is the acceptance and agreement to let me make my own choices and face my own consequences and to finally take charge of my life to a greater extent.
Maturity comes with experience, and i need the experience to set my own life, to change my own life. Self control undeniably needs self discipline, which comes from resisting temptations and being firm to doing the right thing. But by taking my phone away and enforcing the rule of having to "surrender" my phone to my parents room at night - yes, perhaps that level of self-discipline is inculcated, but what about the self-control? I'm confident that i can resist using it or touching it when i'm supposed to be sleeping / cross a certain time. It's this trust - or should i say, distrust - that shakes me and makes me feel really upset from time to time.
It's getting late and i'm actually feeling better ha writing helps. Whatever it is i'll fight on and continue to prove myself to myself and my parents and the world. I won't and don't want to let them down again. I really don't.
Sometimes i may not seem strong, but it doesn't mean that i'm weak.
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