I've had enough of not being good enough.

Just don't understand why good days seemingly can't last. If there were to be a strain in our relationship - perhaps I really was in the wrong for some things - it'd have been manifested from the many times you turned my good intent / a good conversation into a nasty and screamy one. Your impatience and ranting is going to drive me up the wall sooner or later.

Phrases like "oh you only did a mere 3 pages? Am i supposed to be proud of that?", "you're never going to do well at this rate", "what kind of shit is this", "your work is like pieces of junk" etc. start coming out and you're telling me that you're trying to encourage me. What am i supposed to think? And to be honest, i had already set my mind to pack my table this Wednesday for better revision. But you beat me to it and start scolding me for not caring and chucking everything aside, for not giving a hoot about my work. To be honest, i appreciate your efforts and for caring about my tidiness and stuff, but to say all that to me and spoil my whole entire day, to make me feel so upset and expect me to pick myself up every single time - i've had enough, really. All you have to do is truly communicate with me. Give me a chance to justify my actions, to tell you whats on my mind. Give me a chance to tell you what i'm doing to do, what my plans are for today; instead of just starting it with "you better get your priorities right when you get home, if you continue like this you're not gonna get anywhere". And then expect me to what, continue to be cheerful as i initially was? I may be resilient but not to that extent in becoming borderline bipolar. You drive me nuts at times.

This pressure isn't just coming from you. It's coming from dad, from our family, from teachers, and mostly, from myself. I really don't need anyone to remind me of how lousy i am and how much i need to buck up. I know all of this. And i can't change overnight - i'm just trying to improve as fast as i can, but i AM improving. I may not be the best person, the best student, the best teenager, the best sister or the best daughter, but i'm just trying to be someone better than who i was / am.

Here I am with all my heart / I hope you understand / I know I let you down
But I'm never gonna make that mistake again / You brought me closer to who I really am
Come take my hand / I want the world to see / What you mean to me

I love communicating with y'all, telling both of you things that happen in my life, telling you how i feel or even simply, how my day has been. I really tell y'all everything - and sometimes it just gets shrugged off, ignored or rebutted with words that just dampen my positive mood that i'm trying to keep. I really don't want to pull long faces or show unhappiness, but i'm human. I have my thoughts, my emotions, my reactions and my take on things. I really love this family but sometimes the biggest stress comes from here, and not from anywhere else.

I really don't like it when you contradict yourselves, telling me you're trying to encourage me and give me everything, subsequently demoralizing me and putting me down with all those nasty remarks. I don't like it when you can't let go of my past, and how it keeps reinforcing your wrong idea that i haven't changed one bit. I don't like it when you fuss over me and disallow me to make mistakes through wrong decisions. I don't like how the pressure from staying with grandparents is inflicted so much on me. I don't like how i have to live to expectations. Most importantly, i don't like how sometimes i feel as though i'm not a good enough daughter for you.

I admit, there're definitely many good times too. And i truly am grateful and thankful for them. I'm just extremely tired of how i'm being put through emotional rollercoasters because of all this. I may be strong, but there'll be a day that all this accumulation will come crashing down on me.

To both of my beloved parents, I know i'm your beloved kid. But i'm not a kid anymore.