Enough

What a day of highs and lows.

Phone got confiscated yesterday by TCB cuz i used it while Mr A. Chan was singing his rendition of "Starry starry night" before the lecture started and i was just finishing up whatever i was doing with my phone. Went up to him to apologize after the lecture and he asked me to see him tomorrow. Reflected and i admit it probably wasn't the best thing to do so i went to him this morning and was sincerely apologetic. Went to the staff room and asked if he was in and he snapped "wait outside la!" and scared the hell out of me. Got a subsequent scolding in which he probably spilled his whole day of pent up bad moods onto me. Fine, i can tolerate. "Come and take your phone at the end of the day", he says.

Hours past and my day finally ended with GP as the last period. Went up to him and he coolly and sneerily says "Oh? My day hasn't ended. Come find me at 6pm."

Thing is, i needed my phone desperately for many reasons

1. I needed to reschedule my tuition that was at 430pm today
2. I needed to settle and collate the costume stuff
3. I needed to contact people for the payment of the vest
4. I needed to contact the bugis street guy for the vests
5. I needed to discuss about the Bennu event which would take place at 530pm today
6. I needed to contact my econs tutor

AND IF I COULDN'T RESCHEDULE MY TUITION, HOW IN THE WORLD COULD I GO AND FIND HIM AT 6PM? So i told him "I have tuition later at home". And his reply? "Oh, then go home lor" and he struts off leaving me dumbfounded.

Fair enough, i accepted his 6pm timing and went ahead to contact my mom and subsequently my math tutor (after she gave me his number) to reschedule the session. Thank God he was nice enough to do so so i had one thing off my back.

Went ahead with my day and took things in my stride, preparing for the Running Bennunus event. It definitely cheered me up and i counted down to 6pm and didn't want to go bother TCB before that because i respected his orders. So the best thing was that i went to the staff room at 6:05pm, only to find out from Celeste that he left at 4pm (i would very much like to swear now but i'm restraining).
Contacted him subsequently using Weilee's phone and he just said, "Oh, i left for a teachers' viewing at the ArtScience Museum, you can find me on Thurs to collect the item." Why, thank you very much for that, i really appreciate you doing your best to teach me a lesson.

As much as I respect that he's truly a good and responsible teacher and educator, and as much as I do my best to defend his name because so many people just think's he's this anal and unhappy soul, I just really feel alot for him because i care, and i care enough to want to see him genuinely happy for once.

So i calmed down and talked to Russ who gave me this advice:

Well I can't tell you what to do. Because I'm not there. I don't know what he's doing and I don't know what you're doing. Instead, here are some good questions to ask! What does he want? A place to vent because he's in a bad mood? To be difficult to piss you off? Respect because he feels unappreciated? What do you want? Your phone, someone to vent to (hi), and not to burn bridges with this teacher. What can you do about it? There's walking away (not an option), confrontation, or going up the food chain. When you find out what he wants, ask yourself; do you want to give him what he wants? If it's respect,you can give a little to him and he'll be placated, and you can play him for a fool. OR, you can not give it to him, because you don't want him to win at these little games, and find someone superior to force him to return the phone and apologize, and 'win'. Both are perfectly legit options. Now ask if you've gotten everything you want with the said solution. If it is, then go do it! If not, change your strategy. Don't want him pissed at you? Maybe when you talk to him, be respectful so you know that you're giving him a hard time because of the situation and not because it's personal. Tell the superior that; I need my phone, and need to get on with my life it's affecting everything, and I'm not worried that it's unreasonable but that it's affecting my studies. Having tacitly mentioned that it's unreasonable will get the superior on your side. Or colleague, equal standing-people can also be a good help. Like a form teacher! Keep in mind what people want, then you can play them however you like and come out tops. 

Come on, don't give a damn and all your problems go away. Are you going to date this guy? Join his family? Play Clash of Clans with him? No right? So why the hell should you give a shit.

Idk. What he said makes alot of sense but i do give a shit cuz i do care, and enough for me to be sad that he's like this. I really don't want to spite him nor anger him intentionally. It's not so much about the phone anymore (I'd probably get my new iPhone 5 tomorrow anyway); what i was upset about was that his words meant nothing. If he truly wanted to only give me back my phone on Thurs, then just say it so i won't feel like a fool to believe him and have my two days of communication messed up because of his broken promises.

So yeah because of Running Bennunus i had to take it in my stride again and i did. Cheered up quite alot over the silly games like Chubby Bunny challenge with Zhengyu and Calvin competing. Zhengyu actually managed to stuff 15 marshmellows into his mouth and still be able to speak lol he was really a chubby bunny then. The atmosphere was high so it influenced me alot and cheered me up, especially with ridiculous Zhengyu zihighing and being silly. So the event ended with the pizzas wiped out and we started the clean up. Shifted the tables and chairs and cleaned the floors together w both batches of house comm and i had no complaints cuz it was my responsibility. My mom, on the other hand, had alot to say and complain about, especially on the way home.

And this is where my mood just took a freefall and plunged. Was so mentally and physically drained from the whole day and my mom, albeit with good intentions, went on and on and on and on and i just couldn't take it anymore. All the questioning and antagonizing had really poked me so much that i started sobbing and then she screamed at me and told me she hated my crying. Yeah okay thanks.

I've had enough.
I've had enough of crying
I've had enough of all the ranting
I've had enough of having to deal with all the stress
I've had enough of having to deal with the expectations
I've had enough of the comparisons
I've had enough of the spite
I've had enough of having to take everything in my stride
I've had enough of having to tolerate time and again
I've had enough of you telling me "oh i'm not a saint like you", cuz i'm just doing my best to be a better person
I've had enough of all the contradictions
I've had enough of feeling aggrieved
I've had enough of the fact that you almost only find fault
I've had enough of being caught in the middle of my responsibilities and having to pacify you
Most of all, I've had enough of being so tired about everything, really.

Believe me or not, i want to do well. And i want to do well being the better person i wanna be, being the selfless and caring person i strive to be and being a good, unselfish individual. I won't forsake who i am for grades, but i won't jeopardize my grades either. I've seen so many people change because of individual gains, endeavours and studies. I don't want to be one of them, and i just don't want these tough circumstances to change me, and change the way i want myself to be.

Am i really not enough?