Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there?
 

Yeah so it's 2:07AM in the morning and i'm having one of those nights again. One of those nights where i'd just sit down and think, reflect and gather my feelings. And everything'd just come back to me at these points in time. So right now, i'm just replaying scenes from the past, replaying the good memories, replaying the things people said to me - be it criticism, feedback or just normal conversations. Oh and don't get me wrong - i may have these extremely insecure moments where everything starts crashing down, but it doesn't mean i'm weak or that i'm always like this. Let's just say when i don't need to be confident, i choose not to be.

I'd bet that most people who doesn't really know me doesn't have a good impression of me, especially because of the way i acted in the past, or the way i'm just different. Thing is, i'm getting two different kinds of responses to it. One group tells me to be who i am and just saty true to myself, that not everyone matters / should matter as much. Another tells me that i should correct my flaws and work on my mistakes. I'm just trying to find a balance with that now and it's terribly difficult cause as much as i want to not care, i can't. But by caring about how i may make others unhappy or annoyed or anything - i get so overwhelmed with the pressure to be better, the pressure to keep up with expectations of everyone, including myself. And it really gets tiring. It just hurts when people misunderstand or just setting up a certain idea of my character / personality. I may not seem like i mean what i say at times and i admit that. But it doesn't make me a hypocrite. I honestly don't say something and do another, and i really don't know, i just get so sad when people who don't know me, or even worse, people who supposedly know me best, start to judge and form bad impressions of me without even finding out or truly understanding what's going on. I'm not saying i'm sinless or that i don't make mistakes; fact is that i do, i make a ton of mistakes and i've porbably brought this upon myself with my past mistakes. I'm doing my best to change and be a better person but i guess i just can't please the whole world. And to me, that sucks. But whatever it is, i'll do my best and just believe that my faith and my perseverance will pay off.

 

只是我一个人 / 一个人不可能 / 不可能有多快乐 / 我承认
从前是两个人 / 两个人多认真 / 一年后却像两个陌生人

Everyone but you. Everyone's been caring and/or talking to me. Okay, everyone is an overstatement but truly, though it's been quite awhile, not having you as a strong pillar in my life just makes me feel empty. I know all this's probably happening cause i do my best not to disturb your busy life, your busy schedule, and i don't really take the initiative to start conversations anymore. To be honest, i just feel as though being my friend isn't something you're proud of. Argh i don't know why i'm constantly feeling this way. But for now i'm just feeling as though this wouldn't have lasted anyway, and that i'm glad i had more time to get used to this, to start letting go of this friendship's that's been a huge part of my life for the past year. It wouldn't have lasted, isn't it?

Okay enough of this nonsense, it's the night-overthinking-germ that's getitng to me. :/
Goodnight and i'll be a happier person when i wake up.

It's kind of stupid, but i missed the feeling of liking someone. It's as though i had something to hold on to, no matter what.