Favorite time of the year! xx

JOY TO THE WORLD

I am now remembered by my best friend ha okay I'm happy now. Didn't even have to text him to talk about it (which was my initial plan) and yep having b'fast tomorrow! I get so relieved when tension and troubling thoughts get eradicated from this overthinking mind of mine.. So now the only thing left to get on track in my life would be my consistent study regime heh. Planning to complete all the math papers by next week!

Feels good to know that my faith in people isn't misplaced and that my perseverance, patience and faith pays off in the end :)

Back to christmas shopping, bye! x

Good morning everyone -inserts sun emoticon-

Figured i'd blog to make myself seem less of an emo bozo cause people've been asking me if i was alright (from the last post) so for the last time, i. am. fine., and that post were just some thoughts i had on mind. I'm not entirely sad or moping about it, trust me. It's just that i get a lil down at times when i think about how things change and all; it scares me.

Talked to Russ and Eric about it (two very intellectual and seemingly logical people when it comes to giving advice so i gained insight ha) and yeah, from Russ i got reminded of how much it would be unsustainable for me to be the one constantly putting in effort for something that may not be worth it and that i'm worth the effort too (aw thanks). And then came Eric who started talking to me about it because he's a blog stalker (tsk everyone beware!!! kidding) and yeah he reminded me on how i "chose to believe the best in your friends though they might not be the same" and that i'm in se;f-denial. Thanks mdear friend ha i needed that. Oh and he rephrased my thoughts well too; "you treasure all friendships and relations for what they are, but once there's a change, you find it difficult to adapt as these are the things you hold on dearly and are the pillars of support". Yes, exactly.

I realised that about myself as i was talking on the phone with Russ last night too. No matter how much things/ situations around me changes, i'm well able to handle; but when it comes to friends and relations, i really get into a fix of how to handle the change cause these are the things that matter very much to me. (Yay i just got to know myself a lil better)

So yep, i'll persevere, and like i said, i never give up on anyone. No matter how hard it gets.
Out for lunch today before coaches gathering at Pearlyn's! Hyped for that :)

Bye for now x

And when you're gone /
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok /
I miss you

Just find it quite sad that you seemingly don't care anymore. That you don't even bother to talk to me unless i ask you questions or whatever. That this friendship is obviously one sided cause i'm the one remembering you exist. It's like, hello? Remember me? We used to talk, a lot.

It bothers me that it could've been my fault that we became from best friends to mere hi-bye friends or sometimes even strangers. Maybe i shouldn't have distanced myself and my problems for your exams but i just couldn't let myself be a burden to anyone. You told me you understood. But where are you now? Must i really always be the one starting conversations, asking about your life and what's going on? It's truly becoming one sided and you're letting it be, isn't it?

People always say "friends come, friends go". I don't completely believe in that. I believe that every good friendship or relation with anyone should be cherished and should be fought for. I believe that every single person is worth the effort, that every single person is worth investing time and feelings for. So for my side, i'd never give up on anyone; but it does take both hands to clap.

I just hope we won't really be reduced to strangers, again.
I don't need to be a priority, but i hope i could at least be an option that you remember.

On a side note, i'm really happy with how things are turning out with R, (yes, hi if you're reading this; i'm blogging about you. BE HONOURED xx) and it's been a blessing to me. Though tbh it's not been easy to communicate much + i really don't want to burden him with my troubles and all seeing that camp is so taxing already + he's been really nice and idk what i did to deserve him + i still have my insecurities + i don't know what to do for him to alleviate whatever's in camp. Ah ok rambling again. But yeah you get my point. All in all i'm just so thankful.

Yep thats it from me, i think i've blogged enough these few days to overwhelm all of you with the nitty gritty details of my life. Goodbye for now and stay safe x

Disclaimer: This post has absolutely NO intent of hurting anyone who has parent issues or family problems or anything so please don't take it personally or that i'm flaunting my tight knit family. On the contrary, though i'm thankful for a good family like mine, i'm barely breathing under this control.

I don't get it. I don't get how you can't seem to understand that i've been doing my best to understand you, that i've been rejecting many meetings and outings and all and that i'm doing my best to be a better sister and daughter. I don't get how you don't understand it when i always communicate with you, telling you my thoughts and what's going on in my life. Most of all i don't get how you feel that i'm not sensible enough to know whats the "right thing to do" when it comes to the restrictions of this family. I know. I really do know.

I'm hurt. I truly am cause i just feel that you don't see the effort i'm putting into allowing you into my life (c'mon just think about it, how many kids would willingly show their blog posts and urls or tweets and messages for you to read). I'm hurt also because with this amount of communication, i thought you'd trust my sensibility more but noooo, you still continued to doubt it.

I've been rejecting and shrugging off so many meetings so as to allow myself to spend more time with y'all and to stay at home more so you wouldn't get the pressure from grandparents. Out of the many seasons of camps and coaching activities i've been through, i've never once stayed for supper or the afterparty. I hope you understand that even as these sessions mean alot to me, i left because i knew i was to be responsible for my curfews and that i understood that our family couldn't tolerate night activities as well as other families could. And to be really honest, i accept it because i know every family has its rules. Ours may have many but it contributed alot to our good upbringing and our sense of right and wrong, and i'm proud of it.

However, accepting it doesn't mean that i'd allow myself to be completely restricted. And thats the reason i make requests. I make requests to go out and spend time with my friends, to spend time with people who matter to me, too. Yes, perhaps the number of requests to you are overwhelming and you find that i'm overzealous in saying yes, but let me just tell you that all these requests are already the filtered ones. And i'd open my mouth to ask about it only because these are the ones that matter to me, more. (Also, if i were to be extremely candid, i'd tell you this: at least i tell you where i'm going.)

I admit, in the past i used to be less sensible and less understanding toward your predicament and pressure from grandpa and grandma and that you were accountable for me. But trust me, i've grown up. I'm willing and capable of shrugging off appointments and outings for you; but you can't possibly expect me to say no to everything, especially when its with groups of people who matter alot to me. If you ask me to choose between the zoo and S1 coaches gathering, i could and i would. But not going for both? I'm sorry, it takes alot for me to be willing and happy about it.

So here I am writing again on this blog because i know you'd read it. I write with no bad intentions and i write with all the love and respect i have because i'm so thankful for you and our tight knit family. I'm so thankful that we can communicate and i can have a chance to have you as my best friend. But mom, i hope you understand that i'm seventeen and not seven. I have the capability to make rational and responsible decisions and i urge to you understand that. I need my space, and i need my freedom.

Most of all, i need your tolerance, your understanding, your trust, and a chance.

But she was already broken, and it made her blind /
But she could never believe that love would ever treat her right

Just a short update on today! Or technically, yesterday. (OH BTW HAPPY 121212 GUISE)
Went to visit J3 with 17 bottles of honey lemon and i swear they have at least 10kg on them lol it was madness to carry them!! But anyway its worth it, it's for dear coaches anyway! Yep so i visited J3 and finally managed to see dear Jasper in action hehe! Sally Zech Lionel Robin Lay Pearlyn Ben etc. were coaching too, and believe me, it felt good to be home. I always feel happy in that place.. Anyway went around 2ish and left at 6ish, managed to catch up with visiting coaches like Westley Darrick Van and my dear Azura hehe :) It was a reaaaaally small camp so they didn't really need that much help so i finally set my mind to write notes for the coaches HAHA. First camp for me to do so even as i visited all the camps this season #achievementunlockedforoverprotectedgirl

So yep, left to meet my lovelies Rach Tiff Cla and Kayl at orchard to catch up and have dinner thereafter! Really missed all of them to bits and i'm really gonna miss Rachael when she heads for London :'(

Group shot xx :) Really love this one!!

Took polaroids!!! ALL of them brought their polaroids so guess who's the one without one humph. Thank god for these generous girls though hehe giving me a copy too! Anyway met them in Swensens at Ion and got updated from / updated them on life! It's been absolutely long since i last met up with them due to the fact that my coaching season clashed with choir chalet (boooo)..

So yep that was basically my day. Ok um so yesterday was choir in the morning then Hotel Transylvania with Momsie and sis hehe! Choir / caroling practice was reaaaaally lacking in energy so i did my best to hype things up a lil. Idk, dhsshchoir doesn't seem to truly understand the joy of caroling and just having fun in making music.. (Note to self: think of ways to make choir more fun) It's like, they take the singing aspects a little TOO seriously that i can't feel the joy of singing anymore..? Does that make sense.. Ah but yeah alright thats my own sentiments. Ok er oh yes HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA IS A GOOD SHOW. Go watch it, whoever you are who's reading this now! It's really cute and the animation is just adorable hehe.

Oh yes and i would really like to blog about campus superstar too HEHE. Almost joined but i guess it was fated for me to have a continued tranny-voice from camp till the weekends (and by then i was just too lazy to fight with all the contenders and technical errors). It made me realise how much i had to focus on studies too so it was really a blessing in disguise, THANK GOD. Anyway whatever it is, many Dunmanians entered this year, including James, Yurong, Des, Meihui, Charmaine, Shanice and my dear hammy Val hehehe! If i'm not wrong, Yurong Val and Des already received the call to enter the closed door auditions!! All the best to them hehe x

 

On a side note, I CHANGED MY WALLET. YAY. No more exploding and dirty wallet heh!

Also, i have an extremely good gut feel about how things are gonna work out with him! Will keep y'all posted and updated. Soon :)

 

G'night and sweet dreams! Cya x

Angst, fury, upset, depressed, appalled, disturbed, bothered, distressed, frantic, unsettled.
These are only some of the words to describe my mood now and it's all because my whole archive of iPhone photos (in thousands) and 2012 DSLR photos are gone. Like just, poof! GONE. I'm so pissed off right now.

It could either be that
1) There was a harddrive corruption or
2) Some idiot went to override my bunch of photos to store theirs

Whatever it is, i'm depressed. Thoroughly. I just hope all of those photos will come back :'( Losing my camera + 2000 photos within it in Prague was already a major distress and scar in my life i can't afford to lose any more snapshots of memories. I'll just break down and weep like a baby because my photos mean THAT much to me.

Just finished this reading this play and i must say it's riveting. The way they portrayed the grief, the process of dealing with loss and the implications of actions and words on the emotional and mental well being of yourself and the people around you; it's really quite a good read!

"You're not in a better place than i am, you're just in a different place. And it suck that we can't be there for each other right now, but that's the way it is." (Becca)

"... At some point it becomes bearable. It turns into something you can crawl out from under. And carry around - like a brick in your pocket. And you forget it every once in a while, but then you reach in for whatever reason and there it is: "Oh right. That." Which can be awful. But not all the time." (Nat)

I think i need to re-read it again soon, though. My lit / play sensitivity isn't all that sharpened recently. Takes time to sink in. It's kind of a really sad play, though.

-

I'm back to blog again for the reason that i'm bored. Like, really bored. Not many texts from people today and i'm stuck at home by the will of my mother so yes. Oh but i'm ashamed to admit that Eric's probably more committed to my math revision than i am and if you're reading this i'm still sorry that i forgot to call you back!!!

(Alright i just got whatsapped by Rachael for an outing oh yes please i miss you girls so much)

Anyway more on my week; Monday and Tuesday was a bore cause i was just too tired and sluggish to do anything or go out ha. So it was a sloth-at-home two days after the 9-day long coaching. Was all better by Wednesday though! Went out with Jasper to town for lunch (we took AGES to decide where to go) and then Life of Pi in 3D (thanks for the treat hehe)! I'd say that the story was not bad, but it was a little unbelievable for me especially with the over-brilliant graphics and all.. It's quite cool how Jasper and I could hit off quite well despite only know each other for.. 2-3 weeks? Knew him through Azura in coach bonding session hehe! Alright anyway after the movie we met up with Kiara and Sean. Headed over to scape side and they had a smoke break before we headed on to play pool! Scape's pool place is not bad, shall consider going there next time.. heh. Left to meet Isaac who wanted to pass me a present (it was quite nice, thank you) and it was nice to see him again too :) Returned to find Kiara and the rest and Marcus came by, then we headed off to Far East for Wasabi Tei. Jasper and I left earlier though! Okay that was really rambly and disorganized but alright, w-hatever.
 

Thursday was hectic with piano lesson in the morning followed by visiting S2's grad day! It was a really messy camp with the fact that they had to shift everything everywhere with Wealth Acad sharing the training rooms. Had some really tough moments but i'll skip that. I just hope those who're annoyed know my good intentions and that it was never on purpose that i wanted to annoy anyone with what i said and did. Yep. Headed over to Bishan for econs tuition and that marked the end of my long day.. Oh and qtpie Van + Lilian in that photo hahaha.
     

Friday was o-kay; had orientation publicity meeting with the comm and teachers in charge (WE HAVE A MAJOR LOT OF THINGS TO DO BY THE END OF THIS WEEK -HYPERVENTILATES-) Sigh. Anyway Russ booked out at 12 and he was ill so being the really crazy person i am, i bought the berry essence thing and headed to Sembawang ha i missed the north's serene and tranquil greenery. Met him at SSC and walked around for awhile; he was as drama as ever so it gave me a peace of mind :) Headed to Bishan for tuition again and home thereafter.

MOVING ON, Saturday was boring till I headed out to meet Russ again; we wanted to catch Pitch Perfect but ha it went from Available to Sold Out in a mere 10 minutes. So anyway we ended up walking around town area from 313 to Cine to Taka then Wisma and Ion. Hung around Kinokuniya and he bought that book above (which he apparently read 8 times). Walked around some more and there was never really a moment of silence (which was amazingly comforting) so I had alot of fun with his epic drama and all too :) Oh yes we mutually agreed that Typo would be a good place to go and THERE WAS THIS BIG SALE ASJHSFKSHF I CANNOT. Uhm okay hehe. Went for dinner at Nam Nam and OHMAIGAUD their Pho is good. Like really good (mental note to go back there soon). Continued to walk around Ion before heading back home! Photos below hehe; pretty christmas tree in Taka and Russ writing being the on-the-spot poet writing a poem on the word "Joy" :)

I'll skip the details, but it's really truly amazing how similar we are in many things ha. Like we're weirdos in our own way when it comes to soft toys and notebooks and all. Favourite songs, shows, and how we can click with ideals and all hahaha okay i'm rambling again. But yep, really grateful to have known him better through this coaching season with his visits!!

 

Ah last one, Sunday. Today's been quite boring on a whole as mentioned above but i guess its good to have days to just slouch around at home and stuff heh. Cousins are here too so i guess its not that bad (moreover my grandma's whipping up a feast YAY). Alright that's all i have for now; update soon! It's gonna be yet another hectic week especially with all the publicity comm stuff to complete.

 

We've only got 86,400 seconds in a day to turn it all around or throw it all away /

Gotta tell em that we love em when we got the chance to say /

Gotta live like we're dying 

(What if the world really ends on the predicted doomsday, 21st Dec? Will these 12 remaining days be enough for us to leave without any regrets?)

 

God bless you all and be safe xx

On a side note, i've had just too many reminders this year about how fragile life is, and how much we should all cherish every single moment we have. These numerous reminders are a huge price to pay for us to really wake up and realise how lucky we are to be living.

Life

This's a ghost town, isn't it? Ha sorry i haven't been updating, but judging from my blog stats there are still subsantial numbers of viewers so THANK YOU FOR BEING INTERESTED IN MY LIFE, WHOEVER YOU MAY BE. Ain't tired yet so i figured i'd make my time worthwhile by writing and updating on my life since i brought my laptop upstairs heh.

Life's been pretty good to me, i guess. With all the hustle and bustle of events and happenings and stuff it's been rather satisfying too :) Anyway i had gotten back my results and i (miraculously and deservingly) promoted unconditionally. It wasn't spectacular or anything but i guess a CESEU is better than a SSEUU anyday. Gotta work on my Math, sigh. Also, i really have to thank my beloved Tamp / Bugis Starbucks outlets cause i found my maximum studying productivity rates there, whoopie. At an expense though (but then again the drinks are like uh-ma-zing). Hm okay then there was PW, which turned out to be a really enjoyable process especially towards the end with my beloved DH009! It also taught me on how to be an extremely anal formatting master.. which would probably help me in future career or job or whatever. So armed with my extremely pretty WR and my amazingly formatted Prezi for OP, i'm just crossing fingers for an A that i worked so hard for. Ah anyway this photo's a photo of us DH009 interviewing foreign construction workers at Blue Stars Dorm :) Teehee.



Alright enough of studies; more of the fun bits of my life! Shan't bore anyone with all the nitty gritty details so i guess the main thing in Oct was the zoo trip with 5C12! It was a considerably successful outing in my opinion so alright lets let pictures say a thousand words shall we (and so that i can just move on to the more recent and interesting bits of my life)

 

Yep so that was basically my October. November was more fun with coaching (YES, UH HUH) and outings and movies and meetings and chalets but alright imma just post about COACHING cause yes it's one of the best things that's been happening.

 

Coaching this season was really amazing; the new and old faces, the familiar faces and of course, the whole experience on it's own. First off was IAG Senior 1 from 24-27th Nov and it was amazing :) First senior camp (though i got the youngest group) but yeah it was really fulfilling!

Yep so those (in the first and fifth photo) were my.. uhm, kids! Namely Elvan, Ian, Wenfeng, Walter, Kieren, Terese and Ke Ning; and yes, they were quite a handful at first but i'm glad my sincere attempt to help them and to be their friends paid off! Seeing the growth of your participants and all is really and truly the best part of the whole experience :) Oh but that is, other than the fact that they do their best to come back as coaches and all but ohwell that can wait.

     

Mmm for S1 camp i was supposed to have Wenkai as a co-coach and apparently Pearlyn put us together in a group to allow me to bring out his better side and show him some love(?) ha okay i'm good at that. But anyway he fell ill after the first day and yeah i was left with a group of seven to take care of by myself. I guess it was good as well, seeing that i could build direct rapport with them and really get to know each and every one of them better! To be honest i think the best difference about Senior camps is that they have the amazing race segments which are amazing to build rapport and help with teamwork so i'm really grateful for that.

Got to know amazing coaches like Pearlyn Benkoh Chuanlay Zech Lilian Cheryl Russell (<-- he visited and we fianlly got to know each other better. Oh and he bought twelve cupcakes YAY) etc better through this camp too; and i'm really grateful for this team cause the energy was really there and it propelled me through the 4 days. Strengthened bonds with dear girls Azura, Kiara and Cyn Shen too! There were definitely ups and downs for me especially with the extremely late 2AM nights where my ever-anxious mom would breathe down my neck (but alright i'm learning how to appreciate and cope with that) and with all the stress i put upon myself to be the best coach to my participants that i could be. Had some really stressful moments with handling TR3 and doing my best to help out with admin on the last day when both admins weren't around, but it deemed to be an extreme stretch for myself and it truly made me go out of my comfort zone with my limits and all. Oh and i made a new friend from admin side named Adam through the sorting or shirts and helping out with admin lalala.

(I am starting to ramble. I can feel it. But it's 1:34AM now so bear with me!!!)

Alright so that's for Senior 1. Here's the catch: i took up and challenged myself so i did 2 consecutive camps this season!!!! It was amazing though. 9 full days of meaningful activity and endeavour. Was truly tiring but i'm extremely proud to say i survived it without any dozing off or falling really sick or anything. All i got was a sexy, hoarse, tranny-like voice. Me likey :)

 

My qtpie kids from IAG Junior 2 :) It was a reaaaaaally tough camp for me i must say. Though Senior 1 was taxing in the sense that i had lots of parental stress / responsibilities, Junior 2 drained my energy in a way no other camp has ever. So okay, at the start i had Sheena as a co-coach and it was a relief to me but then after an hour they figured Alicia (oh my twin sis btw) needed her more to handle the youngest group in camp (mine was second youngest) so uh huh, goodbye co-coach and hello myself yet again.

Alright so this group was really tough for me to handle for the fact that they were mostly really young and didn't understand the major segments (and trust me, it's extremely vexing). Moreover a couple of them really couldn't understand even the personality / preference tests and content so i had to really rephrase and go through every detail for them to absorb the information; but here's the worst part - they wouldn't tell me if they understood or not. Like if i asked "do you understand?", they would nod; but when i test them.. VOILA, i realise they didn't understand it at all. HOWEVER, it would be this precise fact that it was so tough that it was extremely fulfilling and enriching. It stretched my patience thin, but yet it strengthened it too.

This round's coaching team was great in it's own way too! First day's energy may've been quite low and all but (skipping the details on the not-so-nice stuff and the meeting called on the first day) i really learnt alot from this team as well. I thank God for the people who gave me direct feedback, i thank God for the people who affirmed my efforts, i thank God for the people who gave me advice and a listening ear, and i thank God for the people who were there for me :) Special mention to Vanessa for being really understanding, Pearlyn for the listening ear and encouragement during her visits, Clarence for always being there (be it in coaching or life) with advice and comfort, and Russell for making the effort to come down, the comforting hugs and also for the (literal) shoulder to cry on :')

Also, i got to know Alicia, Darrick, Westley, Cyn Chang, Vanessa etc better too! Strengthened relations with my dear Kiara and Cyn Shen too :) P.S., Kiara Shen Sean and I are S1+J2 warriors HA.

This camp may not have been the best but it's the imperfections that make a camp amazing, and i really am thankful for the opportunity to coach again. 9 days i'd probably never forget :)

It's now 2:51AM and i could ramble off forever... Shall do the rational thing though.
GOODNIGHT WORLD.

P.P.S., Credits to Kiara for some of the pics :)

XX

It's still unbelievable, actually. Why me? I don't even like me, sometimes. Then you come into my life like a gush of fresh air, and i'm counting my blessings that you decided to befriend me all over again though we knew each other since waaaay back in 2010. It's kinda funny, how quickly we got re-acquainted, the way you made sure that your number was cemented onto my contact list, and the way we started talking as though we knew each other all that well. It was also kinda amazing how nice and thoughtful you were and with me being the complete dodo bird not realizing anything till you made that (shocking) admission just a week back.

I've never really felt how it was like to be liked first, to be really honest. I've always been the one loving more, giving more and hurting more in the end. Time and again i've cried, emo-ed and given my all; so this's really new to me. So i hope you understand why i've been really doubtful / insecure, especially for the initial part of all this. It's not doubting your credibility or truthfulness; but more on doubting the fact that anyone would ever like me in that way. I've always been able to make friends easily, and though some come and some go, i'm really grateful for the fact that i've been able to keep some really good and true ones across the years. And well, i'm mentioning this for the very fact that with guys, i've always been more of the best friend / close friend material, never more. So with you coming into my life and telling me all those things (that really adds sweet points ha), it was honestly unbelievable.. Especially since we really don't know each other that well. Yet.

So alright, i am truly grateful for the comfort, laughter and security you bring, and for the countless / constant reassurances. I'm seeing all this in good light and i'm sure with your ability to ramble and chat endlessly, i'd really get to know you much better over time :) Hopefully you'll also gain the ability to ask endless questions too, or you'd never know how insane i can be heh. Whatever it is, thank God for you xx

P.S. It's still uh-ma-zing how similar we are.
P.P.S. Quoting someone really witty, "react however you like" :)

Hey there.
It's been almost a month and time's passing really quickly nowadays. Don't know what to think, what to react, what to say nor what to feel. Sometimes i'm just so afraid that nothing's gonna change nor improve no matter how much more effort i'm gonna put in.. But i guess faith and perseverance will pay off someday. I hope. Ah okay i gotta go.

Petals fall, night comes
And hope is seemingly lost.
The silent darkness consumes us
Though a queer inner peace is also found.

Yet
Flowers bloom, the sun shines upon us once again.
We are enthralled, yet blinded by it's intensity
We don't know what to do
Nor where to go.

We are lost,
Lost in the world we created for ourselves,
Lst in the place we hope to be
Want to be
Wish to be
Yearn to be.

Frustrated, lost, angst.

But it is in these ups and downs,
These journeys and strifes
That we truly understand
That we truly grow
That we truly appreciate

We'd need to experience all these in life
Just to find ourselves
And to find the true meaning of our existence
Of us, living.

--

What in the world did i just write hahaha. Anyway gonna post a long post next, haven't been posting for so long! Cya soon x

06. Where have you traveled?
Haha i must say i'm really blessed cause my family loves travelling and my dad works hard so we can afford it :') So yeah i'm quite well traveled for my age :) Shall do it by continents haha ^^

Asia: Singapore, Malaysia, Taiwan, Seoul, Tokyo (+ some parts of Jap i can't remember LOL i was 2y/o), Hangzhou, Nanjing, Beijing, Shanghai, Hongkong, Macau
Europe: Prague, Vienna, Paris, Switzerland, Provence, London, Copenhagen, Norway
Oceania: Perth, Pemberton, Sydney
USA: Hollywood, Los Angeles, Oregon, Las Vegas, Grand Canyon
Africa: (Egypt) Cairo, Aswan, Luxor
Middle East: Dubai

Probably going to Turkey / New York this holiday and i'm absolutely hyped!!

/

My anxiety builds up as the days pass and the collection of results and papers are nearing. I just don't know what to expect anymore, and it's as though the chances of me retaining is hanging by the thread. Especially since i know my math is gonna be horrible. I witnessed my improvement, my added practice and hoped that it'll be substantial but.. i guess it wasn't. Had a huge headache and blanked out after flustering and skipping questions along the way so it was tough and i had to use abit of time to rest in the exam ugh. Whatever it is i'm only gonna strive harder and work smarter, i ain't gonna let myself, Mr Ong, Mr Lim nor my parents down, :(
Had a long talk with my parents last night and i know though it's tough and they may contradict what they say about not taking results into too much consideration (when they absolutely do), i know they care and love me so i guess i really have to work hard not just to make me believe in myself again, but also to make them believe in me again. I can't afford anymore disappointments.

I'm just so scared for Wednesday. I don't want to do badly anymore, after all the effort.
Life's not a bed of roses, but okay lets just end this post w pretty roses. Goodnight.

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there?
 

Yeah so it's 2:07AM in the morning and i'm having one of those nights again. One of those nights where i'd just sit down and think, reflect and gather my feelings. And everything'd just come back to me at these points in time. So right now, i'm just replaying scenes from the past, replaying the good memories, replaying the things people said to me - be it criticism, feedback or just normal conversations. Oh and don't get me wrong - i may have these extremely insecure moments where everything starts crashing down, but it doesn't mean i'm weak or that i'm always like this. Let's just say when i don't need to be confident, i choose not to be.

I'd bet that most people who doesn't really know me doesn't have a good impression of me, especially because of the way i acted in the past, or the way i'm just different. Thing is, i'm getting two different kinds of responses to it. One group tells me to be who i am and just saty true to myself, that not everyone matters / should matter as much. Another tells me that i should correct my flaws and work on my mistakes. I'm just trying to find a balance with that now and it's terribly difficult cause as much as i want to not care, i can't. But by caring about how i may make others unhappy or annoyed or anything - i get so overwhelmed with the pressure to be better, the pressure to keep up with expectations of everyone, including myself. And it really gets tiring. It just hurts when people misunderstand or just setting up a certain idea of my character / personality. I may not seem like i mean what i say at times and i admit that. But it doesn't make me a hypocrite. I honestly don't say something and do another, and i really don't know, i just get so sad when people who don't know me, or even worse, people who supposedly know me best, start to judge and form bad impressions of me without even finding out or truly understanding what's going on. I'm not saying i'm sinless or that i don't make mistakes; fact is that i do, i make a ton of mistakes and i've porbably brought this upon myself with my past mistakes. I'm doing my best to change and be a better person but i guess i just can't please the whole world. And to me, that sucks. But whatever it is, i'll do my best and just believe that my faith and my perseverance will pay off.

 

只是我一个人 / 一个人不可能 / 不可能有多快乐 / 我承认
从前是两个人 / 两个人多认真 / 一年后却像两个陌生人

Everyone but you. Everyone's been caring and/or talking to me. Okay, everyone is an overstatement but truly, though it's been quite awhile, not having you as a strong pillar in my life just makes me feel empty. I know all this's probably happening cause i do my best not to disturb your busy life, your busy schedule, and i don't really take the initiative to start conversations anymore. To be honest, i just feel as though being my friend isn't something you're proud of. Argh i don't know why i'm constantly feeling this way. But for now i'm just feeling as though this wouldn't have lasted anyway, and that i'm glad i had more time to get used to this, to start letting go of this friendship's that's been a huge part of my life for the past year. It wouldn't have lasted, isn't it?

Okay enough of this nonsense, it's the night-overthinking-germ that's getitng to me. :/
Goodnight and i'll be a happier person when i wake up.

It's kind of stupid, but i missed the feeling of liking someone. It's as though i had something to hold on to, no matter what.

Oh hello civilisation / world / aliens / people / pets / animals........................
Okay here's the catch: PROMOS ARE OVER!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm just so hyped now hahahaha just watched Glee and my daily dose of Poetic Justice and i'm savouring every bit of freedom i have now :) K bye, more movie-watching time!!

Oh and that photo up there.. I just found it meaningful :)

Tribute; A Man Like No Other

It's been 2 days, and i'm starting to feel the need to write (or type, in this case), to find peace and to find closure. This post is dedicated to one of the strongest and bravest person i've ever known, and i'm really hoping he's in a safer and painless place now.

Though i'd not had the fortune nor opportunity to be a good friend to him, he had always been in the vicinity, igniting laughters and joy in his former classes (Helea and Deja Vu), both of which had been just next to my former classes. He was truly a ray of sunshine, giving in his all for his friendships and being a true brother to many of the guys in our level. I've had only snippets of memories of him, but i guess the one that got etched the deepest was one during a badminton training that i sort of chanced upon. He was (and would probably always be) a source of motivation and support to his teammates, and he was an incredible sportsman in skill, in spirit and in determination.

We often lament and complain that life isn't fair, and it really isn't. Getting diagnosed with cancer in Year 4, the restrictions and pain being put onto his life must've been unbearable. Chemo and treatment disrupted his academics, his love for sports and he was seen less along the corridors. Yet, he held on to his unyielding, fighting spirit, and continued to give in his all despite everything. His determination and strength was truly respectable, from the start of it all.

I guess as time passes, we start to take things for granted, believing in the notion that "everything will be alright in the end". He was better, and though it was obvious that he struggled through the demons of the disease, he returned to school and entered Senior High with us, as a family. Seeing him back in school with his tired but contagious and genuine grin, i guess many of us took for granted and believed that he'd have conquered the illness. Belief was good, but seeing all the guilt and the regret from many of us, it struck me on how much we took for granted in life. My heart aches for his family and his closest friends, on the endless desires to say a proper goodbye, and on the fact that we all lost a friend - one whom left behind a true legacy.

So Ervin, here's to you. Here's to your strength, your courage, your sincerity. Here's to being a true man, a true hero who chose not to give up despite all that's been unfairly put in your path. And here's to your abbreviated but meaningful journey which had impacted us all. It's truly more than words could ever say... Thank you so much for showing us what it means to be a true warrior, a true fighter and a true man.

I truly hope that you're safe and rested, wherever you may be. You are loved, respected and dearly missed. May we meet again, someday, somehow.

Truly a blessing to all of us.
200495 - 180912, but remembered and cherished for eternity.

--

Ephesians 1:16 (ESV)
I do not cease to give thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers.

& to his family, his closest buddies and classmates; stay strong, and live well without regrets. May you all be blessed by him and the Angels with good health and happiness..

HIATUS

Till 26th Sept!

Hey hahaha. Haven't been posting for these two days though i've got some drafts! Basically there was dinner @ food for thought with galen babes, sending Nabi off at the airport etc. Will post in more detail when i'm back from hiatus hahah!

Haven't been getting really great grades (ooh punny) and yeah i've really gotta put in my all, regardless of how disappointed it am. I've come so far and persevered so long, I ain't ever gonna give up no matter what; disappointments and undeserving bad grades will only make me more determined to work harder, faster, stronger. :)

J I A Y O U everyone, it's gonna be over soon! Be it Os, promos, prelims, 'A's, PSLE, etc!! And to the Y6s taking 'A's in 49 days time, all the best and keep calm! Y'all can do it as long as yall stay true to yourself, and your efforts :)

Gonna be on hiatus till H1 Bio ends on the 26th! Goodbye and goodluck till then!!
加油! すべてのベスト! Vše Nejlepší! Tout le Meilleur! alles Gute! ทั้งหมดที่ดีที่สุด!

BYE :)

05. A random funny story.
Hahahahaha sorry i don't really have funny stories to tell...or to type, for that matter. Actually funny stories are better to be told, not read ^^ So yeah here's Patrick Star's rendition of a funny story LOL:

K bye, off to do workkkkkkk.

Sometimes we fall down, can't get, back up / We're hiding behind skin that's too tough

Heading over to Bugis to meet Isaac now sigh I'm sooooo late :( And I realize I've been at Tampines every single day this week..... But okay I'm grateful that I live near here :) So liveable and vibrant in its own suburban way haha like a mini orchard road :) Gonna do bio + econs today, hope I'll be able to finish most of the content subjs so I can focus on one topic a day for math from Monday onwards.. I really need it :(

J I A Y O U everyone, it's gonna be over real soon!!! And as always, crossing fingers that my efforts will pay off. Can't bear anymore disappointments :(