Thank you x

Dear you,

I don't know when you'll read this or if you'd even read it at all; but I guess I want to just let you know how thankful I am. I've grown up thinking that I'd probably always be the one who loved more, one who'd be chasing after guys to no avail and one only suited to be a guy's best friend and nothing more. And I believed it, till I got together with you.

I'm so thankful. Thankful for these 3+ months of care and concern. Thankful for having you around in my life. Thankful for your affection, your sincerity and your patience. Thankful for all the things you've done for me, be it big or small gestures and actions. Thankful for the relentless good morning and good night texts. Thankful, most of all, for your love.

My biggest regret would be breaking your heart. But like I told you, i'd rather break it now than to shred it later. You will heal, and you will learn to love again. And so will I. Just wanna let you know that you're not alone, and you never will be. I will always care and i'm sure the friends around you love and care for you loads too. Take care of yourself, alright?

This is hard for me too, trust me, its not easy when tears start coming down my face out of nowhere. But at the end of the day I have to be strong and I had to be strong (especially in front of you) because I know that this is what would be best for you. You'll find someone so much more deserving of your love and attention, for your perfection and purity in the true love that you give. 

You'll always have a place in my heart.

Love,

Me

I can't

"I can't love you. I can’t love you because you adore me too much. Every time I wish for you to stop flattering me, to stop agreeing with me on every little thing, to stop doing every completely nonsensical thing I ask of you, it makes me feel sick, ungrateful and mean. You’re wonderful for thinking I’m wonderful, but I can’t love you because you don’t love me for my flaws—you love me in spite of them. You don’t see me for what I am—the ugly, pungent parts of my guts. You can’t and don’t want to tear these parts out of me while I scream. I can’t love you because you won’t defy me, because you won’t fight me when I’m wrong. I can’t love you because you don’t stand eye to eye with me and challenge me, demand of me, to be a better person. I can’t love you because it’s too hard and I’m too busy. I’m so busy all the time. I keep trying to convince myself that you’re just not right for me but half the problem is I simply don’t have the time for you. I can’t love you because I’m scared. Because I’ve been broken hearted and I know the pain of losing something I love all too well. I don’t have another heartbreak in me, and sometimes when I look at you I imagine myself as a younger girl and I know I would have ridden into the sunset with you, had you asked, even if you were entirely wrong for me. I can’t love you because I’m so tired of love; its commitments and risks. I can’t love you because I don’t know if you’re worth the commitment or the risk and I’m not willing to find out the hard way, although I sincerely hope that one day I will be." - Thought Catalog

I can’t love you the way you love me, and sometimes I’m afraid that makes me a bad person.
I guess i do love you, but i'm just so confused as to what i'm supposed to do now.

I'd admit, i'm just the same as i was / Now don't you understand / I'm never changing who I am

Heya :)
Haven't posted in awhile and i've got two long drafts awaiting publishing. Just thought i'd 'pen down' my thoughts for today before i forget / lose the inspiration for it. But first and foremost, HAPPY 2013, MAY IT BE A BLESSED ONE!!! Okay back to topic. Today was a generally good day; had the final orientation dry run and i reckon it'd be real fun if we're gonna be hyped on those days :) Not gonna post any spoilerzzz -grins-! Headed on to McDonald's with Jan and Val, and i misplaced my wallet like HOLEY BALONEY. Thank the heavens they found it in the hall hahaha T_T

Met up with Eric thereafter for dinner at Raffles City and we had a rather endless conversation (which was heartening) and i really must say that out of all my close friends and best friends, he's really the one who knows me best. Or you could also say that he was the one who knows how to phrase my beliefs and thoughts best :) So yep, the 2 hour dinner and catch up really made me reflect, think, reevaluate and realign some of my existing beliefs, making me think once more as well about something i've always thought about: which side of me, exactly, is my true self?

Many would/may think that i'm seriously overfriendly, especially in my DHS community cause it's not exactly normal to be really sociable out of the community and all; and from all the feedback, the first impression i give to people is probably described through words like "attention seeking"/"wannabe"/"trying too hard" and what nots. But i'm really taking pride in the fact that these opinions of me change after they really and truly get to know me. (So please, don't be too quick to judge all the time) Anyway because of this fact, it's true that i've got lots of friends (taking into account that i treat every single person whom i've had a meeting / outing / conversation with as a friend), and it comes as both a good and bad thing i guess. Too many friends would only mean that i've got to split my time more for each of them and that i'd have more opinions/feelings/thoughts/requests to fulfill and take into consideration (seeing that i've got this extremely self-harming habit and inclination to care about everything + to please everyone to the best of my ability). It gets really tiring and sometimes, this "fluttering around" the different groups of friends i have makes me feel like i don't truly belong to any clique, firmly. I've got true good friends whom i know i can count on, but the feeling's different cause i don't feel as though there's a specific group that i'd be inclined to depending on... Hah but like i said, i don't even know which is my true self, so to speak.

Whatever it is, i got reminded today that despite of the fact that personality/belief isn't bad or anything, it's rather unsustainable. Altruism can only bring a person that far; and though i believe that nothing is truly certain and that comfort zones can be stretched to match the needs of different friends and people in my life, i'm already rethinking on whether i'd really be able to live with juggling so many persectives and needs, seeing that this year's a really crucial one with 'A's coming up in just a few months.

And on a side note, i really need to be more certain of myself and stop holding back good things that are happening in my life. Aaaah okay bye, this was a rather messily structured + rambly post :( G'night and sweet dreams! Will update about Dec + review on 2012 soon! x

And when you're gone /
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok /
I miss you

Just find it quite sad that you seemingly don't care anymore. That you don't even bother to talk to me unless i ask you questions or whatever. That this friendship is obviously one sided cause i'm the one remembering you exist. It's like, hello? Remember me? We used to talk, a lot.

It bothers me that it could've been my fault that we became from best friends to mere hi-bye friends or sometimes even strangers. Maybe i shouldn't have distanced myself and my problems for your exams but i just couldn't let myself be a burden to anyone. You told me you understood. But where are you now? Must i really always be the one starting conversations, asking about your life and what's going on? It's truly becoming one sided and you're letting it be, isn't it?

People always say "friends come, friends go". I don't completely believe in that. I believe that every good friendship or relation with anyone should be cherished and should be fought for. I believe that every single person is worth the effort, that every single person is worth investing time and feelings for. So for my side, i'd never give up on anyone; but it does take both hands to clap.

I just hope we won't really be reduced to strangers, again.
I don't need to be a priority, but i hope i could at least be an option that you remember.

On a side note, i'm really happy with how things are turning out with R, (yes, hi if you're reading this; i'm blogging about you. BE HONOURED xx) and it's been a blessing to me. Though tbh it's not been easy to communicate much + i really don't want to burden him with my troubles and all seeing that camp is so taxing already + he's been really nice and idk what i did to deserve him + i still have my insecurities + i don't know what to do for him to alleviate whatever's in camp. Ah ok rambling again. But yeah you get my point. All in all i'm just so thankful.

Yep thats it from me, i think i've blogged enough these few days to overwhelm all of you with the nitty gritty details of my life. Goodbye for now and stay safe x

Disclaimer: This post has absolutely NO intent of hurting anyone who has parent issues or family problems or anything so please don't take it personally or that i'm flaunting my tight knit family. On the contrary, though i'm thankful for a good family like mine, i'm barely breathing under this control.

I don't get it. I don't get how you can't seem to understand that i've been doing my best to understand you, that i've been rejecting many meetings and outings and all and that i'm doing my best to be a better sister and daughter. I don't get how you don't understand it when i always communicate with you, telling you my thoughts and what's going on in my life. Most of all i don't get how you feel that i'm not sensible enough to know whats the "right thing to do" when it comes to the restrictions of this family. I know. I really do know.

I'm hurt. I truly am cause i just feel that you don't see the effort i'm putting into allowing you into my life (c'mon just think about it, how many kids would willingly show their blog posts and urls or tweets and messages for you to read). I'm hurt also because with this amount of communication, i thought you'd trust my sensibility more but noooo, you still continued to doubt it.

I've been rejecting and shrugging off so many meetings so as to allow myself to spend more time with y'all and to stay at home more so you wouldn't get the pressure from grandparents. Out of the many seasons of camps and coaching activities i've been through, i've never once stayed for supper or the afterparty. I hope you understand that even as these sessions mean alot to me, i left because i knew i was to be responsible for my curfews and that i understood that our family couldn't tolerate night activities as well as other families could. And to be really honest, i accept it because i know every family has its rules. Ours may have many but it contributed alot to our good upbringing and our sense of right and wrong, and i'm proud of it.

However, accepting it doesn't mean that i'd allow myself to be completely restricted. And thats the reason i make requests. I make requests to go out and spend time with my friends, to spend time with people who matter to me, too. Yes, perhaps the number of requests to you are overwhelming and you find that i'm overzealous in saying yes, but let me just tell you that all these requests are already the filtered ones. And i'd open my mouth to ask about it only because these are the ones that matter to me, more. (Also, if i were to be extremely candid, i'd tell you this: at least i tell you where i'm going.)

I admit, in the past i used to be less sensible and less understanding toward your predicament and pressure from grandpa and grandma and that you were accountable for me. But trust me, i've grown up. I'm willing and capable of shrugging off appointments and outings for you; but you can't possibly expect me to say no to everything, especially when its with groups of people who matter alot to me. If you ask me to choose between the zoo and S1 coaches gathering, i could and i would. But not going for both? I'm sorry, it takes alot for me to be willing and happy about it.

So here I am writing again on this blog because i know you'd read it. I write with no bad intentions and i write with all the love and respect i have because i'm so thankful for you and our tight knit family. I'm so thankful that we can communicate and i can have a chance to have you as my best friend. But mom, i hope you understand that i'm seventeen and not seven. I have the capability to make rational and responsible decisions and i urge to you understand that. I need my space, and i need my freedom.

Most of all, i need your tolerance, your understanding, your trust, and a chance.

On a side note, i've had just too many reminders this year about how fragile life is, and how much we should all cherish every single moment we have. These numerous reminders are a huge price to pay for us to really wake up and realise how lucky we are to be living.

It's still unbelievable, actually. Why me? I don't even like me, sometimes. Then you come into my life like a gush of fresh air, and i'm counting my blessings that you decided to befriend me all over again though we knew each other since waaaay back in 2010. It's kinda funny, how quickly we got re-acquainted, the way you made sure that your number was cemented onto my contact list, and the way we started talking as though we knew each other all that well. It was also kinda amazing how nice and thoughtful you were and with me being the complete dodo bird not realizing anything till you made that (shocking) admission just a week back.

I've never really felt how it was like to be liked first, to be really honest. I've always been the one loving more, giving more and hurting more in the end. Time and again i've cried, emo-ed and given my all; so this's really new to me. So i hope you understand why i've been really doubtful / insecure, especially for the initial part of all this. It's not doubting your credibility or truthfulness; but more on doubting the fact that anyone would ever like me in that way. I've always been able to make friends easily, and though some come and some go, i'm really grateful for the fact that i've been able to keep some really good and true ones across the years. And well, i'm mentioning this for the very fact that with guys, i've always been more of the best friend / close friend material, never more. So with you coming into my life and telling me all those things (that really adds sweet points ha), it was honestly unbelievable.. Especially since we really don't know each other that well. Yet.

So alright, i am truly grateful for the comfort, laughter and security you bring, and for the countless / constant reassurances. I'm seeing all this in good light and i'm sure with your ability to ramble and chat endlessly, i'd really get to know you much better over time :) Hopefully you'll also gain the ability to ask endless questions too, or you'd never know how insane i can be heh. Whatever it is, thank God for you xx

P.S. It's still uh-ma-zing how similar we are.
P.P.S. Quoting someone really witty, "react however you like" :)

Loving this song now :) Hehehe :) Anyway i gotta feeling....................to blog haha so i'm here now!!

Busy but productive two days it's been :) Met up with Weishuen on Monday to study in school and hohoho i finished like almost half of the H1 bio topics.. Okay maybe needing a lil more refinement but YES productive hahaha. Good start to the i-have-to-be-productive week :) Studied till about 4 then headed to Nex cause he wanted to get his Gundam LOL can still picture the gleam in his eyes when he beams at his loot :) Original plan was to watch Step Up tgt but ohwell it was kinda late and we were tired too, anyway. So yep that kinda sums up my Monday!

Today was quite productive too ehehe :) Met up with Yiling Ryan and Rachel to complete the Geog essay project (stupid stupid stupid) and yeah we did :) I really enjoy f2f meetings more, online ones are kinda scary cuz if they don't reply you don't know if they didn't see / are annoyed / don't know what to reply ._. So i guess that day they were either busy or in a bad mood haha. Really glad that i'm not a person who begrudges or whatever. Though i forgive people too easily at times - not in this context though. So yep we sorta completed it haha it's an extremely long essay but i hope Chang would mark a lil more leniently or sth :( Needa pull up my geog grades badly :(

Headed to KFC for lunch with Yiling and Ryan thereafter and it was nice i guess :) Stayed for awhile and chatted before i went back to school to mug in one of those 面壁思过 cubicles HAHA. Wasn't really that productive but i finished the driest part of hydrology (LOL IRONIC). Left at about 5 to meet Deon to study at tamp bux and woah i was superrrrrrrr productive hahahaha almost finishing Hydro, cept for the last catchment mgmt part!! :) Studied till like 10pm and i'm just really happy that nothing's changed (yes i've said this countless times but i AM happy okay hahahaha).

--

Besides my daily postings what i really wanna post on now is about best friends :)
Blair and Serena from Gossipgirl!!! (OHMY HOW I MISS THAT SHOW -LESOBS-)
To me, i may have alot of people i view as good friends and close friends, but i guess there're only a few people / groups whom i regard as really my best friends / really really close friends. I don't expect them to view me in the same way but to me, these are the friends whom've transcended good and bad times / conflicts / events / etc. and i really am extremely grateful to have them in my life :) I'm truly an extraverted and extroverted person so i draw my energy from the people around me, and though at times i may feel lonely or alone or whatever, thinking about the good times and the fact that i've got these people with me - it makes me feel really blessed.

Much love to Eunice, Deon, Junzhong, Weishuen, Winne, Yanting, Weiting, Xiaomin, Shihming, Sining, Yuxuan, Jerome, Eric, Bryan, Clarice, Ruowei, Rachael, Huiyi, Vivienne, Olivia, Tiffany :)

   

 

Really grateful for each and every single one of them :) Okay to be honest i'm really grateful for everyone in my life, and regardless of whether you're a friend / someone i know exists / someone who doesn't like me / someone whom i've talked to, i really thank every one of you for making a difference in my life, be it in big or small ways. :)

 

Though i know some of the people above may not really view me in the same way i view them, i'd really like to appreciate each and every single one of em :)

 

I've long regarded Eunice as my best friend since Sec 3 when we ended up in the same class again, after Galen. Growing closer but nevertheless having some conflicts here and there, we were two people of rather different personalities that slowly became close :) I really miss having someone (like her) being around as a companion for events / projects / recesses and all, but i'm grateful that we're still close; and thank you for trusting me :)

 

As for Deon, it started out as a really random friendship, us becoming friends through Youth Day concert and through Weishuen. Talked and texted and i quickly realized how seemingly similar we were in the way we viewed things and the way we treated friends. He slowly grew into one of the closest and most trusted people in my life and through all the random studying / trips home / phone calls and all, he became my best friend, and one of the people that i know i'd cherish for as long as this friendship lasts :)

 

Weishuen has been there for me regardless of whether i treated him well or viewed him as a best friend. Haha to be honest i'm quite ashamed of myself when it comes to this, cause i knew at one point in time, I kind of neglected this friendship with him. We're both ESFPs hahah similarities galore :) And really, though he may seem like some joker or aloof person and all, he's actually really considerate, kind and i'm really glad to have him as a best friend all these years :) Our friendship may have had its highs and lows, but it lasted throughout all these and i'm just truly thankful for it. I'm glad to know that he views me as a best friend too, after all this while :)

 

It came as a shock to me when Junzhong actually got into Dunman High and into DHSChoir. I knew him since Y3 cause of Weishuen (he's weishuen's cousin) and never in my life would i have expected him to be in the same school and same cca. But the most random but amazing thing happened as well - he became one of my best friends :) Through all the talking / eating / confiding etc, it was kinda cool how we became from "people who know each other" to really close friends.. Extremely unexpected for me too, but i guess we really trust each other and all :)

 

Winne's a really good friend to me :) Throughout Y3 and Y4, though we had our disagreements at the start due to IDMI, our interests in LIVERPOOL (muahahah YNWA) and complementing personalities made us much closer over the months and the year :) Hahaha she's one person i wouldn't really feel awkward around even if there were to be silences or anything - and i believe that that's an important thing in any friendship!

 

Ah, my lovely bunch of Galen dears :) Yanting, Weiting, Xiaomin, Shihming, Sining and Yuxuan are 6 of the most awkward, wacky, fun and endearing people i know in my life, and though i may not be personally and equally close to all of them, i'm truly happy to have them in my life. This friendship's grown and sustained over the course of this 5 years and i'm just extremely happy that i've got these bunch of wackos to be awkward around and be fun with :) The birthday celebrations really bonded us much more over this year and i'm just...happy :) Really :)

 

Jerome's been one who makes me feel like a very cherished friend HAHA. Imo we both trust each other quite alot and i'm just glad to know that we'd be there for each other if we ever have no one else to confide in or anything HAHAHA we'll always spill the beans. Really hoping that he'd shine in VJ and that he and J would last long lalala. He deserves alot more than he's getting now.

 

This particular friendship of mine has brought me to my extremely low moments haha. I still remember Bryan as the little kiddo who resembled a chipmunk back in Mt Sinai days as Year Ones :) As time passed he grew and his temper grew too (i know best, H A H A. -__-). Though our friendship was a really rocky one with loads of angst from his side and all, he's a friend who's been there to give me the most frank and outright opinions, making me reflect on some of the things i do and say.. He may have his tempers but as a close friend, he's a keeper haha so i'm really glad to have him in my life too :) Just hoping we'll see more of the better days than the bad ones in future LOL.

 

To be honest i don't know why Eric's name popped up into my head hahahaha. I guess, in many ways, though our thinking is really quite different, we complement each other cause we get to see the different perspectives and views of some issues and things in our life. He's been there as a motivator and a caring friend, and tbh i'm guilty of somewhat neglecting this friendship haha. We've known each other since Y3 through (yet again) really random meetings HAHA. He's been a good confidante as i have been to him (IF YOU'RE READING THIS, DON'T DENY HAHAHA) and i'm glad i got to know him and i'm thankful for him being there for me for many things :)

 

Haha, last but definitely not least, i've got my 6 adorable choirgirl's who've brightened up my life in many many ways :) Though we're not as close anymore cause we don't get to go out as often this year (hint hint we need to go out after EOYs/ Promos/ As), they've been a really fun bunch to be with, never failing to make me laugh and brighten my day with their epicness and bimboness (for some) :) Hoping this would be lasting cause i really cherish them :)

 

:)

 

The list of people i'm grateful to have in my life is really non-exhaustive, but i guess these are the people who made a great impact in my life.. well, at least in the more recent years. I may not be the best person around to befriend, but i've gotta say that i'm doing my best and i'd mean what i say - i'd do my upmost best to be there for everyone as long as they approach me or whatever hahaha :) Over the years and experiences, i've truly learnt not to judge, not to bitch, and not to complain too much over a person or event - cause at the end of the day, even if some people break the form of trust or betray one another in the friendship, as long as we stay true to them and to ourselves, i really believe that everything will turn out fine :) People may not have a very good impression of me / may not like some of the things i do but yeah, i'm just giving it my all to stay true to my beliefs and hoping that those people who judge me (before even knowing me) would get to know the "true" me and start to change their perceptions to better ones. I can't please the whole world, but it ain't stopping me from trying. Afterall, people in my life would affect me one way or another, so why not bring be the first to show kindness? Kindness begets kindness, right? :)

 

Hahahah it's been a long post but i feel really relieved all of a sudden. If you've read till here, thank you and i really appreciate you for whoever you may be :) So yeap, it's been a long day and i'm looking forward to another productive mugging session at my house later HAHA. Goodnight, sweet dreams; may we all find better days, and may the world be a better place! OH, POET ME. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OKAY BYE, :D





Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them.
But like they say, the higher the expectation, the bigger the disappointment too.

To be really honest, i'm happy that we can still be normal and everything around each other. I'm happy that you replied my tweet. I'm happy that we can still talk to each other and i'm happy that things aren't awkward in any way. I'm happy that i know i can count on your (provided i take the initiative to tell you whats wrong - which i won't, in this period of time). But what i'm not all that happy about is the fact that i feel as though being my best friend is something to be ashamed of, something that only i believe in. Argh whatever.

I trust many people. I can trust anyone, despite how much they may have judged or hurt or talked bad about me. Maybe it's a bad thing, but distrusting someone is hard work and it can get emotionally traumatizing. Ironic thing that despite telling everyone what's going on in my life and everything, i get judged and the rest of those mysterious people who hold grudges and plot behind others' backs get spawned and whatever.

Point is, even though i trust many people, i still have a few groups of people i hold more dear. Like my very close friends and best friends. Or then again, maybe it's only me who feels that way and they don't view me as i view them. Whatever it is, these people that i hold dear may or may not "give back" or reciprocate, and i shouldn't expect anything, should i? Expectations are just gonna kill me cause different people have different obligations and definitions of what a good / best friend means to them so yeah i really shouldn't have any expectations of how i deserve to be treated. Talking to Jz got me thinking about alot of stuff and i'm thankful for him to remind me on some of the things i ought to consider.

Just really weary of constantly overthinking and overanalysing things. But truth is, everyone wants to be acknowledged, everyone wants to have someone that treasures them (and shows it), everyone wants to feel important in one way or another. I guess i have to let go of my thoughts and considerations and continue on with my ultimate goal of helping others and not bothering about how other's judge / view / insult me. They'll understand and get to know me one day. And i'm just going to do good and be true to myself and others. No regrets.

What a record breaking one week of totally no hellos, no questions, nothing. It's sad how I'm feeling this way and you're probably too preoccupied with other things to even bother. Even simple things like replying to my tweets or a simple initiated wave would make me happy - but there was literally nothing. Maybe i'm the one that should try harder, that should take the initiative, but i guess for now its a test on how reliant i am on you, and how much you, on the other hand, bother.

I'm tired of being the one having to keep friendships together and i'm just tired of trying too hard and getting misunderstood for my intentions. Just so you know, i can go all out for a friend. And especially for you, my best friend. It doesn't mean my contributions of effort means that  i like you in any romantic way. I just hope everything will be fine and things won't turn out awkward cause of all this.

Or maybe i'll just get used to this and we'd be reduced to mere hi-bye friends.

I've had enough of not being good enough.

Just don't understand why good days seemingly can't last. If there were to be a strain in our relationship - perhaps I really was in the wrong for some things - it'd have been manifested from the many times you turned my good intent / a good conversation into a nasty and screamy one. Your impatience and ranting is going to drive me up the wall sooner or later.

Phrases like "oh you only did a mere 3 pages? Am i supposed to be proud of that?", "you're never going to do well at this rate", "what kind of shit is this", "your work is like pieces of junk" etc. start coming out and you're telling me that you're trying to encourage me. What am i supposed to think? And to be honest, i had already set my mind to pack my table this Wednesday for better revision. But you beat me to it and start scolding me for not caring and chucking everything aside, for not giving a hoot about my work. To be honest, i appreciate your efforts and for caring about my tidiness and stuff, but to say all that to me and spoil my whole entire day, to make me feel so upset and expect me to pick myself up every single time - i've had enough, really. All you have to do is truly communicate with me. Give me a chance to justify my actions, to tell you whats on my mind. Give me a chance to tell you what i'm doing to do, what my plans are for today; instead of just starting it with "you better get your priorities right when you get home, if you continue like this you're not gonna get anywhere". And then expect me to what, continue to be cheerful as i initially was? I may be resilient but not to that extent in becoming borderline bipolar. You drive me nuts at times.

This pressure isn't just coming from you. It's coming from dad, from our family, from teachers, and mostly, from myself. I really don't need anyone to remind me of how lousy i am and how much i need to buck up. I know all of this. And i can't change overnight - i'm just trying to improve as fast as i can, but i AM improving. I may not be the best person, the best student, the best teenager, the best sister or the best daughter, but i'm just trying to be someone better than who i was / am.

Here I am with all my heart / I hope you understand / I know I let you down
But I'm never gonna make that mistake again / You brought me closer to who I really am
Come take my hand / I want the world to see / What you mean to me

I love communicating with y'all, telling both of you things that happen in my life, telling you how i feel or even simply, how my day has been. I really tell y'all everything - and sometimes it just gets shrugged off, ignored or rebutted with words that just dampen my positive mood that i'm trying to keep. I really don't want to pull long faces or show unhappiness, but i'm human. I have my thoughts, my emotions, my reactions and my take on things. I really love this family but sometimes the biggest stress comes from here, and not from anywhere else.

I really don't like it when you contradict yourselves, telling me you're trying to encourage me and give me everything, subsequently demoralizing me and putting me down with all those nasty remarks. I don't like it when you can't let go of my past, and how it keeps reinforcing your wrong idea that i haven't changed one bit. I don't like it when you fuss over me and disallow me to make mistakes through wrong decisions. I don't like how the pressure from staying with grandparents is inflicted so much on me. I don't like how i have to live to expectations. Most importantly, i don't like how sometimes i feel as though i'm not a good enough daughter for you.

I admit, there're definitely many good times too. And i truly am grateful and thankful for them. I'm just extremely tired of how i'm being put through emotional rollercoasters because of all this. I may be strong, but there'll be a day that all this accumulation will come crashing down on me.

To both of my beloved parents, I know i'm your beloved kid. But i'm not a kid anymore.