Disclaimer: This post has absolutely NO intent of hurting anyone who has parent issues or family problems or anything so please don't take it personally or that i'm flaunting my tight knit family. On the contrary, though i'm thankful for a good family like mine, i'm barely breathing under this control.

I don't get it. I don't get how you can't seem to understand that i've been doing my best to understand you, that i've been rejecting many meetings and outings and all and that i'm doing my best to be a better sister and daughter. I don't get how you don't understand it when i always communicate with you, telling you my thoughts and what's going on in my life. Most of all i don't get how you feel that i'm not sensible enough to know whats the "right thing to do" when it comes to the restrictions of this family. I know. I really do know.

I'm hurt. I truly am cause i just feel that you don't see the effort i'm putting into allowing you into my life (c'mon just think about it, how many kids would willingly show their blog posts and urls or tweets and messages for you to read). I'm hurt also because with this amount of communication, i thought you'd trust my sensibility more but noooo, you still continued to doubt it.

I've been rejecting and shrugging off so many meetings so as to allow myself to spend more time with y'all and to stay at home more so you wouldn't get the pressure from grandparents. Out of the many seasons of camps and coaching activities i've been through, i've never once stayed for supper or the afterparty. I hope you understand that even as these sessions mean alot to me, i left because i knew i was to be responsible for my curfews and that i understood that our family couldn't tolerate night activities as well as other families could. And to be really honest, i accept it because i know every family has its rules. Ours may have many but it contributed alot to our good upbringing and our sense of right and wrong, and i'm proud of it.

However, accepting it doesn't mean that i'd allow myself to be completely restricted. And thats the reason i make requests. I make requests to go out and spend time with my friends, to spend time with people who matter to me, too. Yes, perhaps the number of requests to you are overwhelming and you find that i'm overzealous in saying yes, but let me just tell you that all these requests are already the filtered ones. And i'd open my mouth to ask about it only because these are the ones that matter to me, more. (Also, if i were to be extremely candid, i'd tell you this: at least i tell you where i'm going.)

I admit, in the past i used to be less sensible and less understanding toward your predicament and pressure from grandpa and grandma and that you were accountable for me. But trust me, i've grown up. I'm willing and capable of shrugging off appointments and outings for you; but you can't possibly expect me to say no to everything, especially when its with groups of people who matter alot to me. If you ask me to choose between the zoo and S1 coaches gathering, i could and i would. But not going for both? I'm sorry, it takes alot for me to be willing and happy about it.

So here I am writing again on this blog because i know you'd read it. I write with no bad intentions and i write with all the love and respect i have because i'm so thankful for you and our tight knit family. I'm so thankful that we can communicate and i can have a chance to have you as my best friend. But mom, i hope you understand that i'm seventeen and not seven. I have the capability to make rational and responsible decisions and i urge to you understand that. I need my space, and i need my freedom.

Most of all, i need your tolerance, your understanding, your trust, and a chance.

Angst, fury, upset, depressed, appalled, disturbed, bothered, distressed, frantic, unsettled.
These are only some of the words to describe my mood now and it's all because my whole archive of iPhone photos (in thousands) and 2012 DSLR photos are gone. Like just, poof! GONE. I'm so pissed off right now.

It could either be that
1) There was a harddrive corruption or
2) Some idiot went to override my bunch of photos to store theirs

Whatever it is, i'm depressed. Thoroughly. I just hope all of those photos will come back :'( Losing my camera + 2000 photos within it in Prague was already a major distress and scar in my life i can't afford to lose any more snapshots of memories. I'll just break down and weep like a baby because my photos mean THAT much to me.

Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them.
But like they say, the higher the expectation, the bigger the disappointment too.

To be really honest, i'm happy that we can still be normal and everything around each other. I'm happy that you replied my tweet. I'm happy that we can still talk to each other and i'm happy that things aren't awkward in any way. I'm happy that i know i can count on your (provided i take the initiative to tell you whats wrong - which i won't, in this period of time). But what i'm not all that happy about is the fact that i feel as though being my best friend is something to be ashamed of, something that only i believe in. Argh whatever.

I trust many people. I can trust anyone, despite how much they may have judged or hurt or talked bad about me. Maybe it's a bad thing, but distrusting someone is hard work and it can get emotionally traumatizing. Ironic thing that despite telling everyone what's going on in my life and everything, i get judged and the rest of those mysterious people who hold grudges and plot behind others' backs get spawned and whatever.

Point is, even though i trust many people, i still have a few groups of people i hold more dear. Like my very close friends and best friends. Or then again, maybe it's only me who feels that way and they don't view me as i view them. Whatever it is, these people that i hold dear may or may not "give back" or reciprocate, and i shouldn't expect anything, should i? Expectations are just gonna kill me cause different people have different obligations and definitions of what a good / best friend means to them so yeah i really shouldn't have any expectations of how i deserve to be treated. Talking to Jz got me thinking about alot of stuff and i'm thankful for him to remind me on some of the things i ought to consider.

Just really weary of constantly overthinking and overanalysing things. But truth is, everyone wants to be acknowledged, everyone wants to have someone that treasures them (and shows it), everyone wants to feel important in one way or another. I guess i have to let go of my thoughts and considerations and continue on with my ultimate goal of helping others and not bothering about how other's judge / view / insult me. They'll understand and get to know me one day. And i'm just going to do good and be true to myself and others. No regrets.

I've had enough of not being good enough.

Just don't understand why good days seemingly can't last. If there were to be a strain in our relationship - perhaps I really was in the wrong for some things - it'd have been manifested from the many times you turned my good intent / a good conversation into a nasty and screamy one. Your impatience and ranting is going to drive me up the wall sooner or later.

Phrases like "oh you only did a mere 3 pages? Am i supposed to be proud of that?", "you're never going to do well at this rate", "what kind of shit is this", "your work is like pieces of junk" etc. start coming out and you're telling me that you're trying to encourage me. What am i supposed to think? And to be honest, i had already set my mind to pack my table this Wednesday for better revision. But you beat me to it and start scolding me for not caring and chucking everything aside, for not giving a hoot about my work. To be honest, i appreciate your efforts and for caring about my tidiness and stuff, but to say all that to me and spoil my whole entire day, to make me feel so upset and expect me to pick myself up every single time - i've had enough, really. All you have to do is truly communicate with me. Give me a chance to justify my actions, to tell you whats on my mind. Give me a chance to tell you what i'm doing to do, what my plans are for today; instead of just starting it with "you better get your priorities right when you get home, if you continue like this you're not gonna get anywhere". And then expect me to what, continue to be cheerful as i initially was? I may be resilient but not to that extent in becoming borderline bipolar. You drive me nuts at times.

This pressure isn't just coming from you. It's coming from dad, from our family, from teachers, and mostly, from myself. I really don't need anyone to remind me of how lousy i am and how much i need to buck up. I know all of this. And i can't change overnight - i'm just trying to improve as fast as i can, but i AM improving. I may not be the best person, the best student, the best teenager, the best sister or the best daughter, but i'm just trying to be someone better than who i was / am.

Here I am with all my heart / I hope you understand / I know I let you down
But I'm never gonna make that mistake again / You brought me closer to who I really am
Come take my hand / I want the world to see / What you mean to me

I love communicating with y'all, telling both of you things that happen in my life, telling you how i feel or even simply, how my day has been. I really tell y'all everything - and sometimes it just gets shrugged off, ignored or rebutted with words that just dampen my positive mood that i'm trying to keep. I really don't want to pull long faces or show unhappiness, but i'm human. I have my thoughts, my emotions, my reactions and my take on things. I really love this family but sometimes the biggest stress comes from here, and not from anywhere else.

I really don't like it when you contradict yourselves, telling me you're trying to encourage me and give me everything, subsequently demoralizing me and putting me down with all those nasty remarks. I don't like it when you can't let go of my past, and how it keeps reinforcing your wrong idea that i haven't changed one bit. I don't like it when you fuss over me and disallow me to make mistakes through wrong decisions. I don't like how the pressure from staying with grandparents is inflicted so much on me. I don't like how i have to live to expectations. Most importantly, i don't like how sometimes i feel as though i'm not a good enough daughter for you.

I admit, there're definitely many good times too. And i truly am grateful and thankful for them. I'm just extremely tired of how i'm being put through emotional rollercoasters because of all this. I may be strong, but there'll be a day that all this accumulation will come crashing down on me.

To both of my beloved parents, I know i'm your beloved kid. But i'm not a kid anymore.