Weary. But do i have the right to be?
Thinking back on all these years of 'studying', failures, successes and endeavours, i really do need to reassess and reevaluate why exactly i haven't been doing well, why my academics have been in a state of depression since the start of my Dunman High journey.
After much reflection, thought and talking to J, it's come to a point where I'm finally starting to admit out loud on how much of a lazy, unmotivated and horrible person i am when it comes to studies. All these years of accumulated lies, excuses and lack of solid self discipline and time management had just snowballed and made this whole journey a tough one.
So what exactly happened? I'm not even too sure myself.
Life had been really kind to me in primary school. I seemed to always be able to churn out good grades, and could even see myself in the top ten of the whole cohort of my years in Red Swastika. I still remember how my parents could hold their heads up high when others' asked about my progress in academics.. I was the good kid - skirt slightly below the knee, hair tied back with bangs for a fringe, going straight home everyday after school (i took a school bus) - and i knew my parents were proud to have a daughter as obedient as i was. I can't exactly remember if i had been conscientious in my work, but at least i could reap the results that society deemed as good. Though there wasn't really any hierarchy till we reached Primary 5, I was placed in a good class that produced the few top students of the cohort in my Primary 3 and 4 years, and i guess the people i was around really made that difference. I was best friends with the top girl and her constant success motivated me to strive for the best grades i could obtain.
But i guess for me, one thing that
did change all of this was when I had my first major crush / puppy love (whatever) at the start of P4. That crush lasted for 2 years and I recall how we used to pass notes around class, and how perfect he was to me and how my day was made with just a grin he'd flash at me. I was grateful though, that my feelings were reciprocated at one point in time. I was the typical hopeless git since young when it came to affairs of the heart and i guess that's where it all started spiraling down, slowly.
Fast forward into Primary 6, and i had a whole bag of conflicts with friends, broken hearts and angst from that first major crush (i can't even clearly remember why) that i had to carry with me throughout the year. I was in the third best class and the close girl friends I had in P5 had seemingly started to ostracise me in P6 for having many close guy friends in the class (I think). Thinking back, it was quite a mess i've made out of my social life that started worrying my parents on whether it'd have repercussions onto the grades I was getting. True enough, deviating from the projected and expected at-least-250 score, I only managed to hit a decent 245 + 2 for PSLE and I knew i had outdone myself in disappointing my parents. However, the disappointment that very fateful day was shadowed by the fact that DSA had gotten me into Dunman High, the school of my dreams. And till this day i wonder if it were really the right path for me in the first place.
What have I done? / I wish I could run / Away from this ship going under
Entering Dunman High was a gush of fresh air for me. Being the goody-two-shoes in primary school, I had the sudden liberty to take my own public transport home, liberty in going out with friends and in staying in school till late at night for CCA. Mount Sinai held so much of the unforgettable memories and i was completely immersed in the eventful school culture where we celebrated
something almost every fortnight. Thing is, i guess the fatal mistake was that I kickstarted off my Dunman High years by having my second major crush quite immediately after i entered the Dunman High family. To me, he was the most charismatic and humourous guy
i've met and I remember how much i liked him back then. It was
crazy. Crazy enough for me to bag a multitude of failures from math pop quizzes and history class tests, and crazy enough for me to get a 'beautiful' 2.4 GPA by the end of Year 1. It marked the first milestone of my constant struggle at the bottom of the brilliant cohort i was in.
Year 2 was slightly better and my grades started pulling up with a better understanding that i sought to achieve with a slight improvement in my study regime and all. The improvement in my grades was slow, but i guess improvement is what counts. My social circle grew tremendously though. I grew increasingly famous (or infamous, i don't know) throughout my cohort for liking the very prominent person (as mentioned) and also for my first solo performance of 'Hero' in the Teachers' Day concert that year, and also through entering the new organisation of AKLTG when i went for the IAG Senior programme back in Mar 2009. I had more friends (be it real or fake) and that also meant much more time spent in talking / hanging out / solving their problems / listening / getting emotionally attached. It continued on into a constant downward spiral into my third year, where things started to get real messy.
It's often said that good grades, a social life and sleep cannot coexist; that you could only choose two. For my third year in 2010 I guess i kind of chose good grades (or to phrase it more precisely, striving in vain for it) and the social life i was basking in. The sad part of it was that the 'formula' of choosing two of the three wasn't as simple as it seemed. Without the adequate hours of sleep, it got brought over to sleeping in lessons, which then affected my grades and my teachers'/parents'/friends' confidence in me. I remember how i could fall asleep just a few minutes into any lesson, despite it being interesting / activity based. The repercussion of the lack of sleep on both my grades and social life was tremendous, and it led to much stress and tears in that year. That year marked the lowest points in my life and being the emo kid i was, there were quite a few instances that i just shut myself out from the world and started lying to myself on how everything was actually alright and that i had completed all my work, yadayada. I didn't know what it meant to 'work hard' for studies anymore.
The next year was a turning point for me though. With a stronger resolution to stop sleeping in class and start bucking up, I worked
harder. But thing is, was my good,
good enough? All the lack of foundation in the first few years that i'd wasted away had brought about serious piles of debt. So that marked improvement in the last year of my Junior High wasn't enough. Not to mention that i had my third major crush in this very year (yeah i know right, crazy stupid me). Moreover, I would like to believe that i
loved him, and it made it even harder to let go. Whatever it is, the realisation and actual effort put into pulling up my grades came four months before my final JH examination, and it was really too late. Too late to make amends and too late to make up for the 3 years of loss. Ended up with a conditional promotion into Senior High, and trust me, it felt horrible, horribly numb.
Throughout so many years, i've always done either badly/mediocre and i'd always
promise (so-called) myself and others that i'd really "put in effort the next time", when in fact i didn't. I spent my days lying to myself that everything was alright, lying to myself that i had completed what i need to do for the day when i still had tons of overdue stuff, lying that i had given in my best, and lying that i didn't care. It was easier, then, to lie my way through and just not give a damn.
Alongside the four years, I'd devoted alot of my time, effort and soul into dhschoir. I wouldn't say it was a wasted one, but the effort and time spent had a definite and huge amount of opportunity cost that came with it. Choir had been sort of an escapade from my failures. I thrived in the mere fact that i could actually be good, and really good, at something for once. And this probably stemmed from the notion of self belief; believing that i could do well and hence doing well in it, believing in the recognition i get from others, believing in my self worth as a singer and a chorister. I'd say that i have my parents to thank for that - for the music lessons bestowed upon me since young, for the effort, time and money spent into all the courses i've gone though, and even for listening to Mozart and piano music when i was still a foetus in my mom's womb. I'd love to convert this innate musical talent into some form of miracle solution for my laziness and time management but obviously I can't. So for those things other than my choir, musical and (probably) social endeavours, i'd need a lot of time to build up confidence in.
My Junior High years weren't a breeze for me. In a similar analogy, it would probably have been a hurricane that swept through my life, wrecking havoc with the attitude i had towards my studies. It built up the foundation of my parents' lack of trust and patience with me, and up till now, it's been like that (and it probably won't change till i seriously start getting some solid results), and i only have myself to blame. Parents would always be parents and i can't possibly expect them to be alright with all my grades and how i'm treating many things now, be it the duration of my shower / waking up in the morning / handing up the phone to them at night. I just spoke to my dad (literally) and it dawned on me how these simple actions actually meant a lot to them, and also how these simple, fundamental actions could actually build up all the good habits in time management. "When life gets too messed up, start clearing it up right from the basics", he told me. And i'm starting to believe in it. No amount of new year resolutions, words, promises, nor short spurs of motivation is going to work unless i really start working on it, starting from the very fundamental things in my life.
I just have to stay and face my mistakes / But if I get stronger and wiser, I’ll get through this
Entering Senior High, after all the fun and joy from Orientation, tutorials and lectures started coming in and I saw this as a second chance, as a chance to renew with my new subject combination of H2 Math / H2 Geog / H2 Econs / H1 Biology. It was definitely more in depth to handle but the concentration of subjects had led me to have a less scattered focus... Initially, at least. I was put into this programme in school called iMatter, and alongside others who didn't do well for JH Y4 EOYs, our school counsellor taught about the study techniques, the belief systems and well,
did her best to motivate us to spur on and obtain good results. I'd admit, through these sessions, i reflected upon myself yet again: I
do have the necessary know-how on how to succeed, how to manage my time and all. I even
preach and teach many other individuals about it in my few rounds of coaching. So why am I still like this? Why am i still at the rock bottom of my cohort, finding it so hard to even take a proper breath? The thing about me at the point in time was that i left all these questions unanswered. And i just left it at that.
I guess through the years and through the failures, i've indeed gained much resilience and a persevering spirit; but the thing about all this letting go and moving on had manifested itself onto my work. I had started letting go of the tutorials I'd been lagging behind on, I had moved on though i didn't even get the past topics right, regardless of the subject area. And yes,
here we go again. By the first common test, i had gotten a
UUS/SE (H2 Math Econs Geog / H1 Bio GP). And believe me, i felt like i was truly useless (yeah, yeah, the pun on my grades). The struggle came and i continued on persevering though that perseverance wasn't backed up with increased effort. Excuses after excuses about how Senior High was harder to cope, about how my 4 years of failure just affected me so much, about how failing in Senior High was all so normal (when i jolly well knew i should've gotten at least
decent grades). And the thing about repeated excuses and lies was that they'd become your own personal form of a defense reflex towards others' remarks, and they'd become your own 'truth', which to be really honest, is just sad.
Nevertheless, through the several events of 2012 - deaths, disappoinments, debts - i barely made it through and the thought of choosing to retain lingered in my head. It was a battle between two internal perceptions; one side telling me that retaining would allow me to rebuild my foundation, and the opposing side telling me not to give myself anymore excuses and second chances that i didn't deserve at that point. So i put it to a test using my promo results. The road was plagued with my countless efforts for friends, my constant unhappiness with the fact that Deon's A levels had sort of made me lose a best friend, and the truckload of excuses that i continued to load myself with. But well, i guess my efforts increased marginally and i managed to scrape a
USE/EB for my promos, which earned me a full, unconditional promotion. By a close shave, that is.
But how many times will it take? / Oh, how many times will it take for me to get it right, to get it right?
I wouldn't wanna cry over split milk, but I really ought to feel ashamed. Short spurs of motivation and drive after the close shave with promos only brought about a week or so of continued revision. That's it. My self promises became worthless and unsustainable and I just let the end of year holidays pass by me once again. I wouldn't say it was unfulfilling; i had coached my first consecutive camp and it earned me my first salary, survived the apocalypse (ha ha ha) and I had all those countless meetups and outings with friends.
So there, my wonderful EOY holidays passed me by yet again (though i must somewhat credit myself for at least finishing my holiday homework, or at least,
most of it).
Nevertheless, i moved on to my final year in Dunman High, and this year's been a mere lull, moving through the days and weeks. I'd lost the feeling of what it meant to 'work hard' - all the efforts i had put in for the past years and for the tests seemed minute and uncomparable to my brilliant and hardworking batchmates - and i spent my days aimlessly going through the motion of lectures after lectures, tutorials after tutorials. I wasn't even truly focusing in choir; i had let myself go into the auto-pilot mode and I relied on my foundation for music to go through the sessions unscathed.
My guilt escalated when Mr Ong told me just yesterday that "oh you're actually following quite well aren't you, your answers in class show it". To be really honest, i hadn't done my vectors tutorial ever since i left off 18B halfway. And his comment made me realise how much other people were noticing my progress, and how much i've owed to all these people who were doing their best to be encouraging, to see the good in my slow improvements. I struggle the most with Math, though. It's been quite a difficult thing for me to keep on track and not lag behind, to keep up when i didn't even bother or know how was it like to be consistent in work in the first place. Many people from other school have the mentality that "Dunman High's bad is still good, they'd get the grades in the end anyway". Yes, there are truly people in school and in my brilliant batch who are like that. But deep down, for people like me with a shaky foundation and a need for constant guidance as i slowly delve through math sums, I really wasn't certain if I'll ever ever make it back
up there. And this uncertainty is precisely what makes me afraid to even
try.
To a certain extent, I actually
did study. But yet it felt as though i wasn't really studying, and that it wasn't enough. On other occasions, it came to a point where i could just sit infront of my notes and books and just idle. Three hours would pass and people who saw me sitting there probably thought i was really studying, but truth be told, i wasn't. The accumulation of habitual excuses and defense reasoning throughout the years had made me into a horrible person when i came to academics and self-motivation. All the change i promised myself and the people around me were merely words, words that didn't count. I knew exactly what i had to do, i knew of the methods to do well and yet i was held back by the fear to even try, by the fear that my time was running out (how ironic), and by the fear that i would eventually fail, anyway. So what exactly am I supposed to do, now that i've admitted all of this?
Can I start again, with my faith shaken? / Cause I can’t go back and undo this
We had our choir SYF soundcheck at School Of The Arts just two days back, and Ms Tham said something that struck me. "Knowing what to do and actually doing it - it had a whole lot of difference". I had probably heard words like this on quite a few occasions, but it struck me hard this time because it came at the right time and circumstance. I started to realise why the 5 years in Dunman High hadn't been going right for me (in terms of academics), and how i practiced many things in theory instead of actualizing it. It was reflected in almost everything i did. I'd tell myself the only way to start writing good econs essays was to really start writing it, and yet i still let myself go through 'studying' it through random flipping of notes or writing of notes. I'd advise everyone else on how and why they should believe in themselves and yet i didn't practice it myself. I'd rationally tell myself how i
should be motivated and hardworking, but i hadn't gone ahead to actually do it.
Some of you may be wondering why in the world i'd be using words yet again on blogging instead of using the time to start my supplementary exercises and tutorials.. Well this'd prolly seem like an excuse all over again (and if it is, let it be the last), but i believe that though words are seemingly cheap, merely thinking / talking about it is even cheaper. If i were to write down my resolutions and admittance on my blog, it'd serve as a reminder and a constant driving force to know that all the people who've read this would now expect my change. And i
would will start
actualizing all of this.
I must really justify myself, though. I may completely not believe in myself in terms of academics, but I must say i've grown alot as a person and as an individual. I've practiced objectivity, learnt not to quickly judge, to see things from all possible perspectives and develop reasoning for circumstances that may occur daily. I cultivated empathy, compassion and appreciation towards things in life, and learnt how to really
live everyday like it was my last.
The world isn't all that idealistic, and we probably all know that. Yes, being a good person with an adequate EQ to succeed is very much important; but without the initial backup of good grades coupled with an exemplary CCA and service record to boast, you have absolutely no bragging rights in even the smallest things.Wherever we go, there are bound to be comparisons - which school, what grades, what achievements - and these are all comparisons of tangible and academical accolades, never really much how good you are inside as a person and all. So amidst all my idealistic aims, goals and visions, i've accepted how pragmatic and harsh the society really is. No matter how much we want systems to change or people to stop judging, it's the hard truth that life'd throw you all these things.
It's quite sad actually, having this constant negative notion that without grades, you are nothing. Yeah, sure, there're probably a handful of success stories out there that got through and
succeeded without a degree or good grades, but then again - it's merely a handful anyway. And question is - what exactly is
success anyway? There're so many kinds of successes and achievements, but for me this idea had been seemingly out of reach and unattainable.
How could i even succeed when i wasn't even average? Nevertheless, I'm lucky that my perception about this notion of success has changed. Success can be a simple act of keeping to my words. It could be a simple completion of tasks that I set out for myelf, and it could be as simple as not having my mom to nag at me every step of the way.
So this is my
Action Plan for Greater Progress (APGP, ha ha) #1: Taking small steps and acknowledging small successes along the way to inculcate good habits for studying and life. I know time is running out and it's a mere 254 days to my first paper (GP) on the 8th Nov 2013. But with these little steps, this AP (Arithmetic progression / Action Plan) would really turn into a GP (Geometric progression / Greater Progress) where my small actions and successes will reap larger tangible progresses. Okay hahaha i can't believe i just did that but yeah you get my point.
APGP #2: Stop making excuses. More often than not, it's very much the excuses i make and lies i've said that make all this my current reality. The more I gave myself excuses, the more those excuses became my reasons and eventually something that i perceived and believed to be impeding my progress, when it was actually just
me.
APGP #3: Start setting strict timings and sticking to it, no matter what. Be it bathing times, waking up in the morning, the time to play or the time to work - the strict regime and timing would inculcate better time management and grasp of the essence of time. This would then have a spreading effect in not just pleasing my parents in my self discipline levels, but also curbing my laziness and in helping my essay writing where time is of essence.
APGP #4: Weekly filing of work and notes and all. My table is a warzone now. It's crazy and i'm spending waaaay too much time finding and sometimes literally digging out my worksheets. (Yes, mom, i can feel your joy as you read this). I'm going to need a weekend to get all my worksheets and scraps of
crap work sorted out and filed though -groans-.
And for my final one, it's gonna be real hard for me but here goes:
APGP #5: Start learning how to love and prioritize myself and my work before any other commitments / people / issues. Maaaan okay this one's going to be really hard. Other than academics, i must say i take pride in my values and my "social self".
Love all, have faith and serve others. I strive to the person i feel i should be: non-judgemental, objective, perceptive, encouraging, compassionate, caring, sensitive and helpful. Maybe i haven't really grown in all aspects yet, but it's something i'm actually proud of. That aside, perhaps that in these few months of preparation, i need to start thinking about myself more. And start working for myself more. Maybe, haha.
Final thoughts...
I'd probably not be blogging for a lot, perhaps maybe only once a month for an overall update. Whatever it is, though it's not been an easy academic strife for me, i'm still immensely and very much grateful to have been in Dunman High. The memories i have had here, the friends i've made and the experiences i've gone through are things i'd never trade for the world. And even though my brilliant batch has put a truckload of stress upon me, they've been really amazing batchmates and i really couldn't ask for a better group of people to spend 6 years of my life with.
Am also very very very grateful for my parents. Though they can really drive me craaaaazy at times and can be very discouraging / seemingly impatient, i owe it to them so much. Their impatience and diminishing trust were a direct result of my
lack of results and my actions in the past years of secondary school and all; and i'm going to have to change that once and for all. They've been the people i felt most for, and the people who supported me (in their own ways, be it nagging, giving me incentives or sending me for tuitions) all of the way. I ain't gonna let them down..
Also, i'm very much thankful for J for being there for me (and calling me right after lesson ended hahaha) when my failed GP essay triggered all of these thoughts, and being the one who made me reflect and finally admit how much of a lazy student i was.. Thankful for the advice, the time, the support and the effort!
To all those out there who feel weakened, tired, helpless and afraid - i empathise. Hang in there because there're alot of people around you who love and care for you, and they would hope and pray for your improvement and happiness too! If you ever find yourself feeling lost, just list down all the things you're unhappy about, be it big or small things. Be as truthful as possible cause
only when you find truth in yourself, can others then find truth in you, too. Analyse and go into the roots of the causes of your setbacks. Solve them slowly, bit by bit. And for those bound by uncontrollable circumstance, the only thing you can change would probably be the way you perceive it and take it in. It won't be an easy road but you've gotta hang in there, cause you're the one who can make a difference for yourself.
It's 254 days to A levels, and from this moment, i'm going to make my time worth it. It's time for me to put in the necessary effort to do well, for once. I won't want to regret this at the end of the year, and i'm not going to let myself go through all this crap anymore.
I end this long and dreary post, and thanks for reading till here. May this post be a testament, an admittance to the world, and a strong reminder to make this effort and motivation sustainable.
Love you people and i wish y'all all the best too! x
P.S. All of what i just wrote are heartfelt words of hours of reflection. I know there'd be still people out there judging me for who I am, and people who wouldn't believe i'd change; but I'm going to take your disbelief and judgements and turn them into positive energy. Just know that whatever it is, I'd never give up on anyone, nor myself, and i hope my change / you getting to know me better would allow you to trust and befriend me, whoever you may be haha.
(Edited) Reconsolidating my thoughts, I had actually finished 8 math sums (and skipped alot too but i'd learn from it through my consultation tmr -grins-) and i'm feeling v happy w myself now. Taking this small success into account and i'm going to make this sustainable!
Spent the first part of Christmas eve with Russ! Watched Les Miz together though we went in only when Anne Hathaway was singing "I Dreamed A Dream" grr that late pig. But anyway he brought Guffy along!!!! And the second photo's my christmas present hah poem + pen :)
