Life in Pictorial Snippets #1

 

 

 

Just so you know

All these years I thought that being heartbroken / rejected was the worst feeling ever. It wasn't until now that I realise how wrong I was. Breaking someone else's heart is more unbearable than anything I've ever felt. Everyone's been asking me if i'm okay / telling me not to be sad / asking how they can help. Thank you peeps, but I guess it's really something I've got to go through myself. Despite the sleepless nights, despite the tears that fall out from nowhere - I am healing and I will heal. (And so will you, I promise. And this song is so apt. I'm so glad you found it. Thank you.)

 

Just so you know, I care, and I always will. And if it's meant to be, things will work out in the end. Just not now.

Thank you x

Dear you,

I don't know when you'll read this or if you'd even read it at all; but I guess I want to just let you know how thankful I am. I've grown up thinking that I'd probably always be the one who loved more, one who'd be chasing after guys to no avail and one only suited to be a guy's best friend and nothing more. And I believed it, till I got together with you.

I'm so thankful. Thankful for these 3+ months of care and concern. Thankful for having you around in my life. Thankful for your affection, your sincerity and your patience. Thankful for all the things you've done for me, be it big or small gestures and actions. Thankful for the relentless good morning and good night texts. Thankful, most of all, for your love.

My biggest regret would be breaking your heart. But like I told you, i'd rather break it now than to shred it later. You will heal, and you will learn to love again. And so will I. Just wanna let you know that you're not alone, and you never will be. I will always care and i'm sure the friends around you love and care for you loads too. Take care of yourself, alright?

This is hard for me too, trust me, its not easy when tears start coming down my face out of nowhere. But at the end of the day I have to be strong and I had to be strong (especially in front of you) because I know that this is what would be best for you. You'll find someone so much more deserving of your love and attention, for your perfection and purity in the true love that you give. 

You'll always have a place in my heart.

Love,

Me

My life is a fucking drama serial. I've had enough.

Less

"I’ve been there. We all have. This is what happens. Maybe you used to love them or you just don’t yet, even though you want to, even though you’re trying. Some people call that commitment phobia or being selfish, but you’re not afraid of commitment. In fact, it’s exactly the opposite. You long for the idea of spending your life with someone, finding that one person you can give yourself to and someone you can grow old with. You can’t wait to be old with someone. You aren’t afraid, you’re just careful about who you give your heart away to and what words like “I love you” and “Forever” mean. You want to mean them when you say them, and you’ve known too many people who throw those words around carelessly. So, you are guarded about who you love and give your words away to. / You can feel bad about this, and in certain cases, you should. It’s easy to unintentionally take advantage of a person who loves you, someone who looks into your eyes with undying devotion." - Thought Catalog

(What am I to do now?)

Knowing

 "If you tell me unrequited love is hard, then why can't you
accept the love from someone who's so willing to give it to you?"
 

 

At times we know

What we want

What we yearn for

And what exactly we need

 

At times we yearn for

Things we don't have

Things we might get

And things everyone else wants

 

But sometimes when you

Get what you want

You realise

It's not really what you wanted

 

Perhaps it was,

Before

But not now

And probably not the future

 

But

The future is uncertain, anyway

So how would we even

Know?

 

/

 

Search your heart and

Ask that little voice inside of you

For at the end of the day

You'd probably know best

 

(I really don't know what will make me happy/unhappy now, and what I want from all this.
Either way, I foresee myself having regrets.)

x

"I guess love is a funny thing, the way it fades without warning;
it doesn't asked to be excused and when it's gone, oh it's gone."

Fragile

Life, relationships, friendships, self.

It's quite difficult to believe in these things at times, seeing out fragile and short lived they can be at times. It scares me how much things can change so quickly and so drastically between people and i'm just praying that all the rest of the lovely couples i know will stay together because i really really really hope to believe in lasting love and commitment. And I guess it's making me feel very guilty now because i can really feel the imbalance and toil of my own relationship, and it's with me starring as the bad guy. I don't know how much of my trust and faith in his intentions and all is considerable, but i know his understanding, love, commitment, dedication, care and support is so immense and i can never match up to it. I reckon he's really many girls' dream kind of boyfriend with all the sweet texts and endearing support. Tumblr worthy, in fact.

I'm busy, i'm weary, i'm tired. And i don't know what to do with all this anymore so i'm just going to let it be and see what life has in store for me. Maybe it's just cause i haven't seen him in awhile and that i miss him. Or maybe it's cause feelings fade. Whatever it is i'm hanging on because i don't ever want to have any regrets. I'm just so confused now.

I can't

"I can't love you. I can’t love you because you adore me too much. Every time I wish for you to stop flattering me, to stop agreeing with me on every little thing, to stop doing every completely nonsensical thing I ask of you, it makes me feel sick, ungrateful and mean. You’re wonderful for thinking I’m wonderful, but I can’t love you because you don’t love me for my flaws—you love me in spite of them. You don’t see me for what I am—the ugly, pungent parts of my guts. You can’t and don’t want to tear these parts out of me while I scream. I can’t love you because you won’t defy me, because you won’t fight me when I’m wrong. I can’t love you because you don’t stand eye to eye with me and challenge me, demand of me, to be a better person. I can’t love you because it’s too hard and I’m too busy. I’m so busy all the time. I keep trying to convince myself that you’re just not right for me but half the problem is I simply don’t have the time for you. I can’t love you because I’m scared. Because I’ve been broken hearted and I know the pain of losing something I love all too well. I don’t have another heartbreak in me, and sometimes when I look at you I imagine myself as a younger girl and I know I would have ridden into the sunset with you, had you asked, even if you were entirely wrong for me. I can’t love you because I’m so tired of love; its commitments and risks. I can’t love you because I don’t know if you’re worth the commitment or the risk and I’m not willing to find out the hard way, although I sincerely hope that one day I will be." - Thought Catalog

I can’t love you the way you love me, and sometimes I’m afraid that makes me a bad person.
I guess i do love you, but i'm just so confused as to what i'm supposed to do now.

Like entries on diaries,

To-dos on schedulers,

Photographs in albums

And the words sprawled across your favourite book

Like the wit in conversations,

Harmonies in songs,

Chords on a guitar

And those lyrics that haunt you

 

Like the breeze at sea,

Sunrise and sunsets,

Fjords and mountains

And walks on the beaches

 

Like electric currents,

City lights in the night,

Fireworks

And static that runs through your veins

 

That's what love should be.

Breathtaking, passionate, and yet,
Enduring.

 

/

 

 

Enough

What a day of highs and lows.

Phone got confiscated yesterday by TCB cuz i used it while Mr A. Chan was singing his rendition of "Starry starry night" before the lecture started and i was just finishing up whatever i was doing with my phone. Went up to him to apologize after the lecture and he asked me to see him tomorrow. Reflected and i admit it probably wasn't the best thing to do so i went to him this morning and was sincerely apologetic. Went to the staff room and asked if he was in and he snapped "wait outside la!" and scared the hell out of me. Got a subsequent scolding in which he probably spilled his whole day of pent up bad moods onto me. Fine, i can tolerate. "Come and take your phone at the end of the day", he says.

Hours past and my day finally ended with GP as the last period. Went up to him and he coolly and sneerily says "Oh? My day hasn't ended. Come find me at 6pm."

Thing is, i needed my phone desperately for many reasons

1. I needed to reschedule my tuition that was at 430pm today
2. I needed to settle and collate the costume stuff
3. I needed to contact people for the payment of the vest
4. I needed to contact the bugis street guy for the vests
5. I needed to discuss about the Bennu event which would take place at 530pm today
6. I needed to contact my econs tutor

AND IF I COULDN'T RESCHEDULE MY TUITION, HOW IN THE WORLD COULD I GO AND FIND HIM AT 6PM? So i told him "I have tuition later at home". And his reply? "Oh, then go home lor" and he struts off leaving me dumbfounded.

Fair enough, i accepted his 6pm timing and went ahead to contact my mom and subsequently my math tutor (after she gave me his number) to reschedule the session. Thank God he was nice enough to do so so i had one thing off my back.

Went ahead with my day and took things in my stride, preparing for the Running Bennunus event. It definitely cheered me up and i counted down to 6pm and didn't want to go bother TCB before that because i respected his orders. So the best thing was that i went to the staff room at 6:05pm, only to find out from Celeste that he left at 4pm (i would very much like to swear now but i'm restraining).
Contacted him subsequently using Weilee's phone and he just said, "Oh, i left for a teachers' viewing at the ArtScience Museum, you can find me on Thurs to collect the item." Why, thank you very much for that, i really appreciate you doing your best to teach me a lesson.

As much as I respect that he's truly a good and responsible teacher and educator, and as much as I do my best to defend his name because so many people just think's he's this anal and unhappy soul, I just really feel alot for him because i care, and i care enough to want to see him genuinely happy for once.

So i calmed down and talked to Russ who gave me this advice:

Well I can't tell you what to do. Because I'm not there. I don't know what he's doing and I don't know what you're doing. Instead, here are some good questions to ask! What does he want? A place to vent because he's in a bad mood? To be difficult to piss you off? Respect because he feels unappreciated? What do you want? Your phone, someone to vent to (hi), and not to burn bridges with this teacher. What can you do about it? There's walking away (not an option), confrontation, or going up the food chain. When you find out what he wants, ask yourself; do you want to give him what he wants? If it's respect,you can give a little to him and he'll be placated, and you can play him for a fool. OR, you can not give it to him, because you don't want him to win at these little games, and find someone superior to force him to return the phone and apologize, and 'win'. Both are perfectly legit options. Now ask if you've gotten everything you want with the said solution. If it is, then go do it! If not, change your strategy. Don't want him pissed at you? Maybe when you talk to him, be respectful so you know that you're giving him a hard time because of the situation and not because it's personal. Tell the superior that; I need my phone, and need to get on with my life it's affecting everything, and I'm not worried that it's unreasonable but that it's affecting my studies. Having tacitly mentioned that it's unreasonable will get the superior on your side. Or colleague, equal standing-people can also be a good help. Like a form teacher! Keep in mind what people want, then you can play them however you like and come out tops. 

Come on, don't give a damn and all your problems go away. Are you going to date this guy? Join his family? Play Clash of Clans with him? No right? So why the hell should you give a shit.

Idk. What he said makes alot of sense but i do give a shit cuz i do care, and enough for me to be sad that he's like this. I really don't want to spite him nor anger him intentionally. It's not so much about the phone anymore (I'd probably get my new iPhone 5 tomorrow anyway); what i was upset about was that his words meant nothing. If he truly wanted to only give me back my phone on Thurs, then just say it so i won't feel like a fool to believe him and have my two days of communication messed up because of his broken promises.

So yeah because of Running Bennunus i had to take it in my stride again and i did. Cheered up quite alot over the silly games like Chubby Bunny challenge with Zhengyu and Calvin competing. Zhengyu actually managed to stuff 15 marshmellows into his mouth and still be able to speak lol he was really a chubby bunny then. The atmosphere was high so it influenced me alot and cheered me up, especially with ridiculous Zhengyu zihighing and being silly. So the event ended with the pizzas wiped out and we started the clean up. Shifted the tables and chairs and cleaned the floors together w both batches of house comm and i had no complaints cuz it was my responsibility. My mom, on the other hand, had alot to say and complain about, especially on the way home.

And this is where my mood just took a freefall and plunged. Was so mentally and physically drained from the whole day and my mom, albeit with good intentions, went on and on and on and on and i just couldn't take it anymore. All the questioning and antagonizing had really poked me so much that i started sobbing and then she screamed at me and told me she hated my crying. Yeah okay thanks.

I've had enough.
I've had enough of crying
I've had enough of all the ranting
I've had enough of having to deal with all the stress
I've had enough of having to deal with the expectations
I've had enough of the comparisons
I've had enough of the spite
I've had enough of having to take everything in my stride
I've had enough of having to tolerate time and again
I've had enough of you telling me "oh i'm not a saint like you", cuz i'm just doing my best to be a better person
I've had enough of all the contradictions
I've had enough of feeling aggrieved
I've had enough of the fact that you almost only find fault
I've had enough of being caught in the middle of my responsibilities and having to pacify you
Most of all, I've had enough of being so tired about everything, really.

Believe me or not, i want to do well. And i want to do well being the better person i wanna be, being the selfless and caring person i strive to be and being a good, unselfish individual. I won't forsake who i am for grades, but i won't jeopardize my grades either. I've seen so many people change because of individual gains, endeavours and studies. I don't want to be one of them, and i just don't want these tough circumstances to change me, and change the way i want myself to be.

Am i really not enough?

Weekly, Edition 2

Haaaaay wurld.

Okay that was weird. Anyway sorry for that really badly structured + over questioning post about Love; was just really vexed about some stuff and it triggered that thought! Life's been really draining and i've been busy chasing unicorns lol ok i think i'm on the verge of insanity rn.

Here's another update on the week that just past ha.

Monday was a crazy day with loads to do! Epic max in math lecture cuz it struck 1215 and i just started spamming the SYF AP results page and corresponding with dear SH choristers on the whatsapp group chat.. Aaaaaand *drumroll* we got DISTINCTION! Yaaaaay hahaha we were alll jumping and high-fiving outside the Audi after the lecture :)

It was also dear Yanting's b'day so we had the b'day surprise after PC for her and it was quite epic cuz we decided to troll her. Gathered everyone and we basically just took out the green notebooks and the post-it, telling her "Happy birthday, this is from all of us" and it was just really super awkward cuz she was appreciative and yet apprehensive cuz the present was really just extremely pathetic lol.

So after the deliberate awkwardness we finally took out the polaroid we bought her and hehe the delight on her face is so heartening! Camwhored and took the polaroids, really love these girls so much xoxo!

Went on to buy the gongcha at I12 with Zhengyu and Junjie! Quite epix cuz gongcha had to take a helluva long time cuz they had to cook the pearls and the tea. -_- Sooooooo while waiting i got to know these two juniors and Bennu HC successors better! Walked around and stuff till we decided to go eat at BFF (Batter Fluffy Flaps) @ Katong!

The pancakes was really not bad hahaha!! And these two juniors are really fun to be around with, grateful to have had the opportunity to get to know them better! :) The gongcha was finally ready and brought it back to school for the Bennunus waited for ages for it haha oops. Choir afterwards was... bad but it was probably due to overexhaustion from the many practices and hours of singing in the past week so no biggie! :)

 

Tuesday was another busy day but with MSC, math tuition and all. Tiring hahahah. :(

 

Wednesday was alright, had the SC investiture which was terrifying at the start cuz of Dr Foo's address omg. Applaud him for his efforts and care but tbh the grammar police'd have died in that speech. Subsequent ceromony and performance was really not bad and it ended well i guess! Met up with my momsie for lunch at Ichiban Boshi, then homebound!

 

Thursday was crazy busy but crazy fun too! Had a short 1hr of choreo session in the morning and it's  really coming into shape!! :) So school started and I had to do my NAPFA for PE since i missed it cuz of SYF! Really happy and fulfilled cuz not only did I get a gold with improved stats for all 5 stations, i helped my friends pass too and did extra rounds of shuttle run / SBJ and a collective 7 rounds around the track with Yirong, Zhiyi, Yangwei and Yiling for their individual 2.4 runs! Muscles ached like crazy but it was really fulfilling, neverthless :)

 

School as per usual with the truckloads of hours of free periods. Went to the PAC with Claire, Bryan, Arthur and Turts for the lighting and managed to try out my solo in that venue for the first time! Quite amazed that my voice could actually project and be heard even in the circle seats!! Hyped!! HC meeting with Mr Ngiam after that and he was really quite humourous tbh :) I'd wanna be a teacher like that!

 

Ok uhm so after all of that I met up with Isaac for dinz! Ate with the monster at Astons and he cut a piece of the rare steak he ordered and practically shoved it at me so yeah i had my first piece of rare steak and it was surprisingly nice... Though gross at the same time.

Aha aha aha dat photo. But anyway on a side note, he's really grown and matured much through the years. So extremely heartwarming to witness the improvement of a good friend through the years and to have helped them through it!! Happy for him and thank God for this friend who brought much joy to me through the years!

 

Today was a good day! Well most of it, at least.

Met up with the BFF turts reaaally early in the morning. Woke up and it was raining omg (best weather to sleep in, yah?) so i was so damn reluctant haha. Anyway that joker went to board the train subconciously so he had to board the train when it was super full and packed like sardines and everyone was just squished together so i was in an extremely awkward position facing his TREASURE CHEST lol -_- Lucky it cleared at Paya Lebar though it was hard to breathe hah. Went along to Bugis and had b'fast at Subway (where he had a foot long and i had a pathetic shortbread thingy and he was mocking me).

 

Headed on to the supermarket where he bought a litre of milk and jugged half of it down within 30 seconds omg. To his dismay and my utter amusement, he didn't know the shops in Singapore open around 1030am. So we had nothing to do for an hour (did i mention how extremely smart this bff of mine was). Walked around and around and around till we finally decided to head to Bras Basar to scout for the flag materials first. Some epic moments with the bamboo pole and i got poked countless times by that turts (YOU DIE) lolol. Went on to Bugis Street to scout for the costumes and we managed to find an affordable vest for the guys yaaaay!

 

Bus-ed back to school and walked with the pole armed and there were some extremely amusing moments in which my puny brain cannot remember at the moment haha ohwell. Back at school and i transcripted Adiemus for the choir before heading to to choir room to do up the flags and lepak!

 

Really love my choir batchmates to the max hahaha we had really loads of fun before the practice started hahaha camwhored and role played and played limbo with the bamboo stick and all! Let the photos do the talking hahha :) :) :)

 

 

Hehe love my choir girls and my choir peeps :) Mm ok so practice started and we went to the PAC to test out the choreo as a whole choir!! Was not bad cept for some unfamiliar nerves and all. It's gonna be a spectacular performance, i can feel it pulsating through my veinsssssss *_* Some gay max moments between SZ and JZ hahahah but i really love the feeling of all of us up on that PAC stage again, it felt like it was truly our moment!!

 We had Twelve Cupcakes as a celebration for our efforts for SYF too!! Had loads of fun and we were all going crazy eating and singing and prancing around! Did all sorts of nonsense and epic stuff too hahaa i shall let the photos talk again

 

Really felt like family, sharing the joy and the laughter, growing and learning through all the tough times and just being there for one another, not just as a choir, but as a family and friends for life. I've made some of my closest and best friends through this CCA and it's truly one of the best decisions of my life to have joined this family (ok i'm tearing while typing this now but i really love them ALOT) Love the choir family so so so so so so much xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :)

 



 --------

Okay haha that sums up my week and my muscles are sore to the extent that any major movement or small poke (esp on my back / shoulder blades) will hurt like askasjdhsfslha. Gotta sleep now, gonna have another productive and amazing session with choir tomorrow!

 

Till next time and remember that things'll get better! Smile and goodnight! x

Love

We often contemplate about all the general terms, the big words; but how often do we really begin to truly understand them? Love is something so complex, so subjective and so differently interpreted. Love could even be seen as a merely an intangible notion or a feeling, and yet in the eyes of the world, it's all-consuming, nurturing, endearing and everlasting. No matter how many times we see love falter and fail, see it crumble beneath us in broken marriages or relationships, we go back to it time and again, believing without a doubt that love would heal, and that love would make everything alright again.

So what is love, even? And what defines true love?
I spoke with a friend not too long ago and he got me thinking quite a bit.

Me: I want to believe that i'm capable of loving everyone, capable of love humanity as a whole. It's easy to love isn't it?
X: It's ineffable. And that's why it's not easy.
Me: Love is an easy thing to me. I truly love and care for the people in my life..
X: Maybe it's a difficult thing for you. Sure, it's easy, the simple love. The friend love. The easy mode. But it's not the same as the other kind.
Me: I know.
X: So maybe love's just really difficult for you.
Me: That kind of love, perhaps.
X: Nah, the whole concept. Do you swim?
Me: Yeah, why?
X: Maybe breaststroke is easy for you, but freestyle you just can't get. Regardless, it's still a swimming problem. No matter how you label it, it is what it is.
Me: In the big picture.
X: And in both cases, labels or what you call it doesn't matter because you end up drowning.

Is love really difficult? Is it even so all consuming that we're actually all just a little to broken inside to really wholeheartedly love? Why the difference and the hierarchies of love? Can love just be love, and nothing more? And how could we, as a whole human race, be so sure of something so intuitive and unfathomable? Does it mean that just because we feel it, it's real? And does it yet again mean that as long as it's real to us, it just is?

Maybe i'm just too cynical, as my best friend of a turtle suggests. But perhaps it's just in my nature to not just accept, but to start challenging and in the process, understanding. I can't fathom how one could just accept something as it is, just because it is. It's like, what is right and wrong, then? Tribes in Africa could deem cannibalism as a right and to us it may be a  wrong. It's all up to interpretation and cultural roots and influences doesn't it?

I probably sound rebellious and over-questioning right now. But i guess one thing i really do have to accept (as it is) is that there're no combinations of the 26 letters in the English alphabet to correctly and precisely define and explain everything that happens.

Back to the notion of love.
"A profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person."
"A feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend."
So.. it's inexplicable isn't it? The use of the word "profound" just easily gives it a warm comfy mattress in which the lack of able reasoning and explanation could just fall back on.

There's a difference between a great love and the right love. - Chuck Bass

My head's so filled with all these perplexing complexities right now. And this post has been just filled with unanswered question marks that stick to me like a leech. Could someone or some intellectual or spiritual being just enlighten me now 'cause it's getting harder and harder to accept things as they are these days.

And my overwhelmed mind would probably explode. Metaphorically, that is.